On dolphins

Wallace on why he dates crazy women: "Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move."

Wallace: It's just much easier having dogs. You don't get laid; but you also don't get the feeling that you're hurting their feelings all the time."

Wallace: "I emphasize it's a platonic relationship with the dogs."

We're a bit behind on our DVR and just watched both episodes of Glee. Anyhow, I found myself inspired by that great line "Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?" This caused me to turn back to something I wrote to S eight years ago after reading an online article about dolphins attempting to mate with divers.

Has anyone else noticed the great lack of support for dolphin intelligence of late? This majestic creature, that has been known to save human beings from sharks, be eaten with tuna and also throw occasional house warming parties has fallen out of style. During the early nineties, scientists and other nerdy eggheads believed that dolphins had formed some kind of underwater utopia which uncannily resembled Lenin’s writings on communism. Dolphins had domesticated octopus to do their agricultural farming eight times as fast as was previously possible and pretty much lived in harmony on Atlantis. Needless to say the Snorks came along with pitchforks and the like and chased the dolphins out of Atlantis and impaired their speaking ability. Or so scientists think.

Dolphin intelligence has been in decline lately which is surprising considering the anecdotal evidence I found on CNN just a couple of years ago. A dolphin was attempting to mate with human swimmers and was drowning them as a consequence. While it is clear that somebody’s parents felt a little too awkward to have the birds and the bees talk it shows surprising intelligence to kill a species that is systematically wiping you out. Dolphins are also capable of using sonar and I’m pretty sure I saw at some point on television that they learned sign language by watching videos of Jane Goodall.

Given all of this evidence I am shocked to see the decline of this once supposedly intelligent creature. I have brought this up at parties before, and been shot down immediately. With shouts of, "What the hell are you talking about" Or "How many margaritas did you say you had." I can only assume they are jealous because they had not realized the decline of the dolphin as well until I pointed it out to them. I plan to carry this to my local US Senator via a comprehensive plan. Whereby I e-mail him at least three times a day, and send him copies of the show "Flipper" in the mail on a bi-weekly basis. Soon this weak willed creature will succumb to my wiles. Then the majestic dolphin will be raised from the ashes of minor resort attraction and sea world sidekick to orcas back to its proper status as man’s other white meat.

S: It's really stupid. Dolphins are mammals and sharks aren't. If you really get into the biology of it, it just doesn't make sense.

M: I think most good jokes could use a heavy raking over biological coals to give them more zing!

S: That's what she said.

M: Are you tired?

Fiction (Cont)

As he lunged, we, though it could have been I, dropped hands and began to back down the hill. When I stepped back my foot slipped on the grass, which was densely moist, most likely due to irrigating the grapes, and I tumbled to the bottom of the hill.

I could tell you at this point that I have a long and corrosive history with the canine species—A history that no doubt contributed to my actions that day. I have an earlier unrepressed memory of a dog biting me in the nose when I was a toddler.

As I tumbled down the hill I heard screams issuing from Katie’s mouth, ear splitting things. I learned later that the dog had fixed his canines firmly in the flesh of her right calf, and that the “intense pain” caused her to fall to the ground, bringing the two of them on level. I managed to stir at this point, and I had a clear view of the dog raking his teeth across the left side of her face. I watched the skin of her cheek distend as the hound whipped his head back and forth in a movement that brought to mind a typical canine playing with his favorite chew toy. The chew toy, in this instance, being Katie’s zygomatic bone.

The sight, needless to say, was horrific. Nearly all of the inhabitants of that rich city are white. However, they must employ a small standing army to keep the grapes and ivy in quintessential states, and thus, cheap Mexican labor is pretty much ubiquitous in the area. Anyhow, as I stumbled up the hill to assist Katie, a group of Mexicans gardeners appeared and pulled the dog from her prone form.

Did I resent not getting there first? Resent?

A good portion of Katie’s face had been shorn away, and the pink skin looked like nothing so much as raw hamburger. The piece of flesh still hanging from her face was attached by a few, stray, spaghetti like tendons.