In the middle of the night

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I seem to have developed allergies. Either that, or a serious addiction to cocaine that has gone unnoticed. I'm kind of hoping for the latter because the former may be a problem as long as we live on this inferior coast. One of the things I miss most about living on the West Coast is reading my local newspaper. It has this section called tell it to the "ER" (Enterprise Record) where any old crank can call in, call mind you, not write, that would be too coherent, and complain about something. Then, the next day, it is published in the newspaper anonymously for all the locals to read. This blog is in honor of tell it to the ER.

Tell it to the Washington Post:

1) We have several potholes on our street that have gone unfilled. Mayor Fenty promised to personally fill all potholes by hand and dammit, his shadow hasn't darkened the cheap asphalt on our street in weeks. Ergo; we should get rid of all the crooks in the government and put them to real work like I do every day of the week. What? Me. I'm retired. How else would I have this much time to complain about things?

2) Rock Creek Park is a big park but often when I'm walking around in it I can still hear street noise. The city should either put in more trees as a sound barrier, or develop some sort of cube that could be dropped over it that would keep out all that damn city noise. And that reminds me, why can't they make cars that are silent? And why doesn't the park have bears? We need something to cull that mangy deer population. The sun is too hot in the summer. What is the city doing about that?

3) Traffic. I've noticed that when I'm driving to work the road is often full of other cars. Why doesn't our lazy government come up with some sort of mandatory flex working day that would allow hard working people like me to get to work on time? I'll tell you why because they are all crooks. Why yes, I do enjoy broad sweeping statements.

4) Squirrels. I don't even know why scientists make them.
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So yeah, that's pretty much why I'm excited about old age. Robot insurance. You can never be too careful.

5) The dog in my neighbor's back yard is always growing at me. I don't know why people who have dogs can't keep them on a leash at all times. I'll tell you why because they are inconsiderate. You know, (channeling my inner tell it to the ER) people complain about these dogs when they bite people, but I think the owners are the ones who should be put down. Note: I also hate teachers and whatever party happens to be currently controlling the government. Please insert rant here.

6) Patches of lawn between the sidewalk and the street. Why am I responsible for that area? Why can't the city take care of it? I don't want that crappy strip of grass? What am I supposed to do with that? Grow weed like some damn hippie?

7) The Lincoln Memorial. His hands are way too big. What the hell were the sculptures thinking. Oh, and sometimes I've caught him looking at me in a manner that I could only characterize as lascivious. What is our government doing about Lincoln's lascivious stare? Nothing. That's what. Who wants to have a rally with me? Who is with me? Anyone?
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Anyhow, I could go on all night about all the things that are wrong with this city. But right now I need to get some sleep, so I can wake up in the morning and yell at the local youth as they head off to school. Goodnight DC.

P.S.
As I finish this post I sneeze.

S: Are you allergic?
M: Yup.
S: Looking at me confusedly. Are you allergic?
M: Yup.
S: Are you allergic to sneeze?
M: I sure am.
S: Looking confused. Are you allergic to daisies? To running?
M: All of those things.
S: Rolls over and goes back to sleep.
M: Good talk.