Blogging MSN style

Periodically I like to just pick an MSN headline at random and create a nice blog out of their amazing material.

Today:

14 ways you can lose weight all day:

1) Don't eat....wait for it.....all day. This plan seems simple but a lot of folks are going to miss it. If you're not eating...all day, you're probably losing weight. I can't be sure because I'm not a doctor. I'm a writer for MSN. Sort of.

2) Buy a tiger. Why? This seems simple. If you've ever encountered a tiger you'll know that a human beings normal reaction is to cower in fear or flee. You know what burns calories? Fear and fleeing. That's right, imagine coming home every day not entirely sure where that tiger is going to be lurking. All that heart pounding will be great for burning fat, and when it does show up and you sprint off into the neighborhood tripping down some steps on the way, you'll be pretty happy when you hit the bottom because you are still alive, and also have a nice waist.

3) Eat citrus only. Why? Because it will keep you from getting scurvy. That and heavy doses of quinine. I suggest the citrus. Of course, it's a well known fact that scurvy is an excellent way to lose weight because without teeth it takes forever to eat a hamburger. So maybe I'm rescinding this one and changing it to, travel back in time to the early nineteenth century and go on a boat trip of over a month. I don't know why they don't employ me at MSN. This is all gold.

4) Turn up the heat...wait for it.....all day. Sweating is a great way to lose weight because it's pretty much just water weight, which is useless anyway. Human beings are comprised of like 80 percent water, so if you could get that number down to 40 percent or so you'll see some real substantial gains.

5) Build a new wing on your house. No building permit needed. People who work outside and are handy intimidate me, and I mainly just like to ask them why they aren't wearing an ascot with their cute utility belts. However, it's important to note that doing things....wait for it...all day is a great way to lose weight.

6) Buy a great white shark and store it in your flooded basement. (Flooded basement needed). Every time you're eating dinner just think of how hungry that poor shark probably is, swimming around in your basement and eating your dry wall. His plight will teach you portion control because you'll want to give him a delicious treat at the end of the night like your arm or something.

7) Start skipping everywhere. Why? Because skipping got a bad rap for being girlie when you were a kid. Skipping burns eight times as many calories as normal manly walking and after a while everyone will realize how amazing skipping everywhere is and will be secretly jealous that they didn't think of it first.

8) Walk to work. I don't care if you live thirty miles from your job or ten feet. Walk to work. Sure you might have to start sleeping in a bungalow during the week to be able to make it in ever day, but you'll feel great at the end of the week when you get home to see your family and they all compliment you on how good your new skinny legs are, unless they've moved out of town to avoid the stigma of having a crazy person as a parent.

9) Hanglide to work. I realized that walking is for poor people. No, buy yourself a nice hanglider and do it up. It sort of operates like the tiger. I mean, hang gliding has got to be terrifying right? Therefore your stomach will be in knots all morning and you'll probably skip breakfast but who cares, you hang glide to work. Next time your boss starts giving you guff you can point to your flat abs and then just hang glide for your lunch break and cast aspersion on him from above like Icarus. Who was awesome.

10) Eat only pies. After a while you'll get really sick and tired of eating pies and this will cause you to eat fewer of them. Plus, your breath will smell better than it would on the Atkins diet.

11) Adopt seventeen children. This sort of operates like the shark. With seventeen children no one will have enough food to go around and you'll all learn a lot about each other because you won't be wasting time eating all that dirty food. Maybe you'll all wind up being really good at that game Simon Says, which was like Bop it for smart people.

12) Fourteen tips....really. Too many. I started skimming after number two MSN? If I had written that article it would have been around seven, but real pertinent ones.

13) Subsist entirely on art. This is mainly recommended for people who majored in the humanities. You've got nothing else to do besides go home and live with your parents, so it's probably best to just start eating pages out of books and literally devouring pieces of modern art that you'd never understood. Tell fellow folks that you're trying to internalize them. Talk about differance. Speak only French even though you only know one word. Insist that if you just had a kite string long enough that it would reach the moon. Talk about how On the Road is the greatest book ever, even though it isn't. Live art.

14) Go to live with a badger. Emulate all of its habits. Even if you don't lose weight at least you'll have made a friend and answered that age old question, Can badgers and humans be friends? No. No they can't.