How to talk to little girls

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If nothing else I learned from this article that I need to start relating to lil s in a new way. So today I decided to start telling her what a smart little girl she was. And yeah, this was working out just fine for a while, she still paused in her activities to smile at me when I called her a smart girl. However, at one point during the day she crawled up next to me and proceeded to gnaw on my belt for about ten minutes, and I just couldn't bring myself to call her a smart little girl. In fact, I sort of wondered, teething aside, if she hadn't thought of the possibility that my belt had flame retardant or other foul chemicals on it. No. She was just blithely chewing away.

The tough part about not telling little girls that they are cute is that they are cute. So, to talk about other stuff is really beside the point. I mean, they're cute? Sure you can you read them a book or talk about the impact that the removal of the Berlin Wall had on the economy of East Germany, but I'm not sure that's all that interesting to her.

Suggested Topics for speaking with little girls:

1) The war in Afghanistan. She should definitely have some sort of opinion about it. If she doesn't be sure to let her know that you were totally against this war from the start, even if you weren't, because then she'll respect you more.

2) Puppies. Because puppies are cute, but you're not demeaning them when you talk about how cute puppies are.

3) The intense pressure of the second grade spelling bee. Be sure to quiz her on encyclopedia as that's the one that tripped me up. If she can't spell it remind her that only smart girls go to prom. If she asks what prom is tell her to rent a couple of seasons of Beverley Hills 90210.

4) The Miss America Pageant. But make her do a deconstructionist narrative on the show. If she falls short be sure to point out what relevant pages of Derrida she should read to catch up with the other smart little girls.

5) What boys in school she likes and stuff. Mainly because this has nothing to do with her looks, but you don't want her to be some kind of weirdo who doesn't notice looks at all. Encourage her to go after the kids who do really well in math and science even if they seem dorky now.

6) Sylvia Plath I saw a picture of her the other day, and it turns out she was a pretty good lookin' lady. However, be sure to tell the child that being good looking can lead you to putting your head in an oven. Be sure not to mention the poetry.



Some topics to avoid:

1) Disney Princesses-These dames are all hot and being pursued men and stuff. Don't lead the child into a conversation about the impossibility of Belle, the town beauty, actually falling for a giant wolf, wonderful rendering aside, she'll say, it's just implausible. Don't encourage this.

2) Anything related to popular culture as it's about 90 percent things you want to avoid.

Don't to it bunny.


3) Whether your jeans make you look fat. Look, of course we all want to ask kids questions like this because they are unerringly honest. However, resist the temptation to get some tough love from a four year old because you'll ruin them later in life.

4) How cute they are. As noted above. They are. Be sure to avoid it. Tell them they look kind of grubby and let them know that being smart is probably the only thing that can overcome that.

5) Romantic comedies. They've already ruined one generation. We're more cynical now. Let her be cynical.

6) Your wish that the Girl Scout's sold really good fiber bars instead of those filthy cookies that made you put back on the three pounds you'd worked so damn hard to take off last winter.