A reading or recycling

Do you remember when The Office had that episode this year that was just full of clips from old shows? And you realized what bs it was to call that episode a "new" one for The Office. And that probably this was some sort of death knell for the show. "Well, they've run out of material," is likely what you thought or should have thought. Anyhow, I gave a reading last Thursday night at a local bar and after boring people with literary stuff I read some excerpts from my blog. Here they are:

On Housing:
M: Here's my impression of what you want. I think you're looking for a three bedroom single family home, with an attic, with original windows, and a basement for storage, with an open kitchen, granite counter tops, maple cabinets, in a walkable neighborhood with below average crime stats that has a Whole Foods in the second basement. Then you'll say, "Is that too much to ask for" and start crying.

S: Did you just say a Whole Foods in the basement?

M: I think so.

S: That would be nice. (Pause) That does sound like me.


On Reassurances During the Homebuying Process:
S: How did you like the house?

M: It seemed bigger.

S: Yeah, it did, didn’t it?

M: It also seemed like it was freakin’ haunted.

S: Really?

M: Oh yeah, we're definitely going to get some ghost children living in that place.

S: That's comforting.

On Duvet Covers:
If you're like me, every time you hear a conversation in which somebody says, "This could really use a duvet cover," you immediately respond, "What the hell is a duvet cover?" But, you honestly mean this. You know that is it has something to do with the bed, and maybe the comforter. But honestly, what the hell is a duvet cover? And maybe your wife and her sister kind of laugh, in a way that indicates that your stupidity about the names of essential bedding items is acceptable, though not preferable, and that they know that of course, deep down you know what a duvet cover is, and you're just saying, "what the hell is a duvet cover?" because you like to joke around.

(S returns from shopping)

S: I bought a duvet cover.
M: Oh. That's good. Right?

Unfortunately, (and I know a lot of my readers are going to be shocked by this) a duvet cover isn't as cool as you'd think.

S: So, just spread it out and match it evenly on the corners of each part of the bed.
M: Okay. (All right, honestly, I lost interest in distributing the corners evenly. It probably had to do with my poor fine motor skills and extreme impatience with housing projects. I feel a sort of mental/physical lethargy when we talk about working on the house that must be akin to what a mama bear feels right before she hibernates).

S: Now just slide it around the corner.

M: Wait. So you bought a blanket for our quilt?

S: (Laughs)

M: No. Seriously. You went out and spent money on a blanket for our blanket? That's a duvet cover? Did our blanket wake you up in the middle of the night last week and tell you that it was cold? I mean. It just seems like a waste.

S: You don't know how essential this was. The black and the grey were totally clashing with each other. (She may not have said totally. And even if she did, it's clearly meant to be read as totally, as in entirely clashing, rather than as the teenage colloquialism totally, which stands for nothing.)

M: You told me that we couldn't get a desk because we already had one. And now this. Now you're buying a blanket for our blanket? Excuse me if it feels a little redundant.

S: Do you like the colors?

M: Do I like the colors? No. I don't like the colors. Okay, maybe I do. I'm not sure. I think I need to be angry about this for a little while longer.

On Couches:
S: I like this tan one.

M: Oh it's just probably that time of the month.

S: What are you saying?

M: I don't know. I just love playing devil's advocate.

S: I think I've decided on which couch I want.

M: I can tell you right now that I don't like that couch.

S: I haven't even told you which one.

M: It's not my fault that the good Lord blessed me with a Frank Lloyd Wrightesque sense of style.

S: Do you have anything to contribute or do you just want to shi- on my ideas?

M: Can't it be both?

M: I guess I just don't want our house to look like a dorm room.

S: What else are you suggesting?

M: I'm suggesting that we buy something classically stylish.

S: Like what specifically?

M: I don't have specifics. I have vague ideas for improvements that I dispense freely right before we make a purchase.

S: That's helpful.

M: do you mean that? (childish light in eyes).

On Upkeep:
Mice droppings on the floor.

S: Every time we have mice they dupe me. I think to myself, oh those are just some pieces of rice on the floor or some coffee grinds. It's always mouse poop.

M: Well, at least it's one more thing for us to obsess about.

S: I don't want one more thing. I have some traps we can set.

M: I have some traps as well, but they are mostly intellectual ones where I try and get the mouse to voice an unpopular opinion and then ritually shame him into leaving.

S: I'm not sure those are going to be as helpful.

On Living Together:
S: It says here in this book that a husband shouldn't get drunk if the couple is trying to get pregnant.

M: How else is she going to get him to sleep with her?

S: I guess that was kind of an easy one.

M: I felt like letting it pass would have been a disservice to both of us.

Interpolation:
S: I read that dancing is supposed to make you smarter.

M: That's why I'm always trying to get you to go to the club.
S: The article also mentioned that you should only watch, at maximum, two hours of television a day.

M: What a shocker. Finally an article that lets us know that television isn't great for us. New stunning research comes out, "If you punch babies in the face you may be an asshole. More to come on Channel 7 news.

(Time Passes)

S: Let's do the dishes.

M: I’ll be downstairs lowering my IQ.

Interpolation:
M: See. Everyone else thinks I'm nice. You're the only person who doesn't like me.

S: Remember that I know you better than anyone else.

M: That is the meanest thing that anyone has said to me in weeks.

S: Really?

M: I didn't intend for that to be something you'd be excited about.

Interpolation:
S: What are you up to?

M: Fantasy football draft.

(Minutes of silence).

S: I'm not ready for football season.

M: What? It's been like nine months since football season ended. You could have already had a baby.

S: I forget how much attention you pay to football.

M: Shhhhhhhhh.......I'm drafting.

Interpolation:
M: I'm proud to be an American because at least I know I'm free. (Note: Sung with vigor).

S: If I were doing that you’d shoot me in the head.

M: What if I switched it up a little, sang I’m proud to be part of a global hegemonic narrative.

S: The point is that I didn’t say anything.

M: Your pointing out that you weren’t pointing something out. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose?

S: I’m saying that I’m not saying anything.

M: You're clearly the better person.

On Art:
M: (After painting for five hours or so). You know, this wasn't so bad. Granted we've been doing this all day, but it's nice to be close to finished. I guess I could have spent the day writing or something, but honestly, I'm not even really an artist.

S: Oh honey. You're an artist. You're just a failed one.

On Dental Care:
M: (Floss breaks in my mouth for the millionth time, lodging itself between my teeth. Note: Do not ever buy cheap floss.)

M: I hate this shit!

S: Why?

M: It always breaks off between my teeth and the shit gets lodged there, thereby causing the very problem it’s supposed to be alleviating.

S: Yeah, well, you've got to consider that your real problem might be that shit keeps getting lodged between your teeth.

On Happiness (a conversation with a friend):
Friend: You look like a happy camper.

M: Believe it or not I'm not often described as a chipper guy. In fact, I was talking to my wife the other day about being unhappy. She said,

S: I don't think since I've known you that you've ever been happy. It's just not your personality type.

Friend: That must have made you happy.

M: It did cheer me up a little bit.

On Finances:
S: I think we need to tighten our belts a little for a few months, so we can be prepared when your college loans start kicking in.

M: That whole class thing wasn't free. What a rip off.

S: No. No it wasn't.

M: I’m going to buy some cocaine and call some escorts.

S: Please don’t.

M: I’ll take your protest under consideration.

On New York:
M: I love this city!

S: These buildings are unsightly.

M: I think you just hate New York because I like it.

S: That's possible.

M: How do you spell minuscule?

S: P-E-N----

M: Very funny.
(Just then we pass a white billboard that has a picture of a doctor holding a needle behind a patient with the caption "Life is full of little pricks.")