Parenting and other things

Conversations that you kind of only have with babies around.

M: How was your day.

S: We had a nice lazy time in bed, but then she pooped everywhere.

M: If I had a dollar for every time I told my buddies the same thing, I wouldn't have any more dollars than I do now.

S: I bet this line will show up in the Bachelor this season.

M: I don't see why that would be a bad thing.


Some advice to mothers. It's safe to say that I can speak for all of men throughout time, including pre-literate eras, when I say that we don't need any advice on taking care of the baby. Do you know know what a mom's favorite thing to do is? Give advice on how to properly take care of her baby.

Why? A lot of people would say that it's to be helpful, that she can see the husband is frustrated, and that she just wants the bonding experience to be deepened for both of them. That is a ridiculous lie. No. They are giving advice in order to demean your ability to parent. And anybody who tells you anything different is just trying to demean your intelligence. To interpret any sort of advice on how to care for the child who's genes are at least fifty percent yours can only be interpreted as a simultaneous attack on your masculinity, fitness as a parent, and general worth to the world.

The sort of advice that a husband/father is looking for when he's taking care of his child is your support. Ie, if the baby starts crying or even sort of looking a bit wild-eyed like they do for those first few months it's okay to step in and take the child away while he idles away on the computer. However, it is not advisable to peer over his shoulder and give helpful hints about how he might go about "calming" the baby if he was just a little more gentle. And does he always have to be sarcastic? She can already understand things, doesn't he know?

This sort of micro-managing is not welcome in the office and it is not welcome in the home. If I'm taking care of the baby, then I'm taking care of the baby. That might mean she stays awake until 2 A.M. watching episodes of The Wire. But dammit! I'm not a babysitter, I'm this child's father! And if I want to parent them in an irresponsible and half-assed way, I don't expect to be contradicted. Okay, I do. However, I won't like it.

What I'm really getting at here, is that, certain dads, may be a bit sensitive to criticism. We're aware that as we're not the primary caregivers we might not have all the tricks in toe. However, we'd like to believe that we could do the whole parenting thing just as well if given the shot. And, in some cases, that might not be true. But what is a life lived without the fantasy of being good at something. I mean, our entire stock market is essentially based on just those same warm and fuzzies. Let's not create a great recession in parenting, watch us bundle the child up with both legs in the same pajama bottom without saying a word. And then, twenty minutes later, politely ask if we'd noticed the mistake. It will work wonders.