A blog about how Montreal kicks your ass

Well, we're off to Canada.

Being organized is not the same thing as being bossy.

It kind of is.

That's it. I'm outta here. You're bossy and crazy.

Hey. I'm not bossy or crazy.

The fact that you're bossing me around about whether you're bossy isn't helping.

Wait, I need to brush my teeth.

If you loved me you wouldn't do that.

Sometime earlier.

I already told her.

And that's how my underwear ended up in the trash can at work.

Oh, I didn't tell her that part.

I'm trying to capitalize on the excitement that other people have for this trip to stoke my own fires. First things first, we're going to head up north and join the Quebec Separtist movement, particularly Les Assassins en Fauteuils Roulants after a bout of train jumping.

Things I'm excited to see. Montreal. Apparently Montreal has good bagels. Paris, you've got the Louvre, New York, the Statue of Liberty and Time Square, but guess what Paris and NYC, Montreal's got bagels, real skinny onces that taste good. So eat that Statue of Liberty, but too much or the Atlantic will make an unflattering cover of you.

Montreal also has some really great chicken shwarma. Do I know how to spell shawarma? No. But I know how to eat it and that is all that matters. Guess what NYC? Montreal had the Olympics like a million years ago and the stadium is still there. Who wants to see Madison Avenue when I can go look at old diving boards. You suck NYC. That's right, I'm going to practice my Greg Louganis (sp) double pike twisting half header off the diving board and into the pool like a rock. Then maybe I'll walk around the dilapidated track and throw a souvenier (sp) shot put or something. Try that on for size Notre Dame. I'll throw a shot put through your window.

Then maybe I'll just stop by the Biodome for good measure. Does Rome have the Biodome? No. That's right. Take that old dead emperors. I'll be cavorting around with a bunch of elementary aged kids enjoying the various climatesf the earth in one building. What's that you say? That's impossible. Maybe for you Caesar, but not for Montreal. Biodome. Wooooo!

Then maybe I'll cruise by the Jardin Botanique. That's right, I'm not going to some lame botanic garden, I'm going to Jardin Botanique. I'm pretty sure that's French for kick ass garden with venus human trap plants, originally pictured in Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Is Montreal awesome? That's like asking of Rick Moranus was one of the greatest actors of our time. Damn right he was. He doesn't even care that I spelled his name wrong because he could just shrink me down and squash me.

Oh wait, now I'm done cavorting through my French garden, I guess I'll go by the insectarium. Screw you San Diego wild animal park. I can't even see the lions from that stupid tram that's so far away from the park. Put them in smaller cages, so I can get a good look at them already. Now I'm in an awesome insectarium with all of those crazy bugs from the remake of Kind Kong. Remember that one, with the natives, kind of offensive, with bones through their nostrils and stuff? That was some crazy shi-. Anyhow, dog-sized roach. Are you pumped up Romulus and Remus? I'm pretty sure you would be if you didn't suck in comparison.

From there maybe we'll head down to Vieux Port and Vieux Montreal. That's French for kick ass old place that feels like Europe without all those snobby Euros, particularly Parisians stinking the place up with their negativity. We'll walk over some cobblestones and have some crepes or something, maybe with some nutella if thats's what we want. And yeah, I know you can get in store nutella now, but it's not the same as getting it in fake Europe.

What's that Las Vegas? You have shows, whores and gambling? Guess what? We've cut out all the bad non-Christian stuff and now we just get to enjoy Cirque du Soleil in its birthplace. Do I know what Cirque du Soleil means? No, but I can roughly translate it as "Freaky human beings doing stuff that pretty much kicks ass in a way that's maybe a little bit weird, but not too weird, so just sit back and enjoy yourself cuz you dropped sixty bucks for these cheap ass seats." I think they should shorten the name personally.

Then maybe we'll take a walk in Parc Du Mont-Royal. That's right, Central Park, this park is so amazing they just got rid of the k. Anyhow, this park is what Central Park would be like if it was actually amazing and life-changing, like a Nicholas Sparks book. Just ask him. Anyhow, maybe we'll hike up to the top of a tower because Europe has shi- like that and get a good look at the skyline. And we won't have that chintzy Empire State building ruining our great view, we'll just have scenes of beautiful Montreal.

So yeah, I bet you wish you could come with us Athens, Greece. Too bad. We don't have time to philosophize. We're going to walk in the footsteps of Champlain. Who? We'll find out.