The Beginning

I'd like to begin now as I've traveled across the River Styxx and into the abyss of child rearing where I can now dispense advice to other expectant parents such as

1) Don't lavish too much love on the first one, or you'll have nothing left for the second.

2) Kids are like goats; you can love them too much. (Insert a heavy dose of laughter on this one).

S: Sometimes I think she wakes herself up when she pees on herself.

You see. The above quote pretty much represents the epitome of my conversations over the last three weeks and S just dropped that gem right in the middle of blogging. I mean, my life is just full of literary gold.

Anyhow, I don't want to spend all of my teaching gems in a single blog. I'm planning on writing a parenting book, and I want to save some of them up for that. Lord knows S would probably buy it, and s wouldn't benefit from that at all.

First, let's talk about labor and delivery. The movies all lie. I didn't drive fast when the doctor told us to get to the hospital; I went and got a sandwich. Why? Because labor is a marathon not a sprint. And yes, the doctor said that, not me, but I'm taking credit for it anyway. The point is, we had the picturesque Hollywood sort of rush to the hospital, splitting a subway sub in the basement of a parking structure. It was crazy.

When we arrived in labor and delivery they put us up in a fancy room with cable television, a nice leather couch, and a private bathroom the size of s's nursery. Let me tell you a secret about labor; the first part isn't that bad. During those early contractions I watched Michigan get absolutely destroyed by Wisconsin while holding on to S's hand and helping her breathe. And, as I'm sitting there pondering the effectiveness of a 3-3-5 against a power running attack, it occurred to me that Hollywood movies lie. S wasn't going nuts and saying, "You did this to me." She was breathing nicely on an exercise ball with the game on. And, honestly, I was pretty excited at how easy things were.

As it turns out Hollywood isn't lying, and the latter stages of labor see your wife's face take on the sort of contortions you've only seen on the faces of horse right before they're to be put down. However, I'm going to choose to forget that part and break down just why a 3-3-5 isn't a sound defense against a two tight end set.

Advice to all expectant fathers

1) Bring extra snacks to the hospital room. Why? Because your wife/girlfriend is going to say things like, "Don't leave, I'm in labor. I need you." The sorts of things that are going to leave you feeling a bit hungry after ten hours or so.

2) It's okay to watch sports during labor. Why? Because labor is kind of boring for the person not in labor. As it turns out, watching someone else breathe heavily for four hours isn't all that compelling. Note: The latter stages of labor it's probably best to just be supportive and stuff. However, labor lasts a long time. If sports don't suit your fancy bring a book or cocaine or whatever.

3) Some of the nurses will act as though you don't know what you're doing. The best way to dissuade this admittedly obnoxious behavior is to ask questions of them, so that they understand you're not some country bumpkin; you're an educated man who wants to help his wife get through labor. If you want to take it to the next level it's best if you then offer to place the epidural and make a mildly unfunny joke about having stayed at a Holiday Inn.

4) Be supportive.

5-10) See 4.

When the Michigan game came to a pathetic close I leaned over to S and said, in all seriousness, "I wish Michigan's defense was as tough as my wife. If they were, we probably could have at least held them under 35." Watching your wife go through the first part of natural labor is a kick ass experience, and it will give you an entirely new appreciation for how tough she is. I recommend it to everyone. I think I would have been asking for drugs at about the ten minute rather than ten hour mark.

Later, we had a baby. She had a squishy little face, and when we heard her first of many wailing cries to come S started crying, and I held back my tears since I figured it would be best if someone in the family held it together in front of all the medical personnel. And in that moment, what I felt, and what I imagine others feel as well, is such an incredibly strong emotion of the kind that you thought you had left behind with childhood or at the very least, young love, a feeling so incredibly intense it nearly bowls you over.

And I've always had this intense fear of holding small babies when they've been offered to me by trusting mothers. But I can tell you that as the nurse crossed the room and held little s out, bundled in a cocoon of blankets, I felt like it was the most natural thing in the world to hold that little girl and to stare into those deep blue eyes.