Key Match ups in the birth of our baby.

Apparently fifty percent of children are born when the moon is full. It's a statistic that scientists don't like to tell you because it proves that astrology was right all along or something like that. Anyhow, scientifically speaking, it is the moon's gravitational pull on the earth, as seen with the tides, that actually pulls the baby out of the uterus and into the world. Ergo; with Sunday being a full moon and our induction scheduled for 7:30 P.M., it's a race between man and nature. Moon and baby-inducing drugs. The moon is getting three points from the odds makers right now because man already walked all over its face a few decades ago. However, it would be a mistake to underestimate the moon, which has been screwing around with the oceans for a pretty long time, and despite its rather blank exterior, the moon has long been holding in animosity that it can't wait to unleash in this match up.

Key match up: Wife's uterus vs. the gravitational pull of the moon.

The moon has literally eons of experience in tugging babies out of women and turning regular folks into werewolves on this day. The moon has seen everything that a human being can throw at it.

However, the baby in my wife's uterus has put up an unprecedented defense, giving no sign of wanting to leave despite being overdue by nearly a week. We're expecting to see a camp stove and some baked beans in the next sonogram.

Advantage: Moon by a smidgen.

Key match up: Wife's anxiety over induction vs. the power of science

Science has a fairly short history of inducing women to give birth to babies. In fact, throughout most of human history women just had babies when they were good and ready. However, science has recently developed a way to make women give birth, and they are pretty excited about getting a chance to try it out. Science has given S a full ten days after her due date to take care of things before they have to step in and fix it.

Wife's anxiety over induction will probably be overcome, but the chances that she gives up the ghost entirely are pretty low. We expect a hard fought game between medical staff and wife as she pushes them to give her a low dosage of pitocin to try and keep the birth natural.


Advantage: The power of the Copernican world view and such.


Key match up: Natural birth vs. epidural etc.

If the wife doesn't have the baby by Sunday, at the moon's behest, the chances of her holding out against the intense blitz the hospital staff is going to come at her with is pretty low. They'll hit you from all angles, running a nine person multiple front against the weakened team of pregnant wife and mildly confused husband. This strategy is going to make it hard to hold out against key players like epidural, who, like the sirens in the Odyssey, lure you in to feeling good and then eat you alive, or at the very least prevent you from being able to move around.

If the wife wants to have a natural birth it is important that she focuses on spicy foods like she never has before. We're going to need to see an eggs smothered in tabasco breakfast followed by a bull of curried pumpkin soup for lunch and even the real salsa from Guapo's for dinner. This, combined with a bumpy car ride, followed by a long walk on the tow path are going to put her in prime position, with the help of the moon, and the conjugal visit trailer, to give a natural birth and snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

Advantage: Tabasco.

Key Match Up: Husband's ability to remain conscious and fight with the medical staff over natural birthing measures vs. the overwhelming desire to feint at blood and cower in the face of clear authority.

While the husband has absolutely no fear that he can stay upright through the whole pregnancy, it has been recommended that he be stationed up around the head so as to keep his eyes unsullied. The husband has been known, when cornered and or tired, to lash out violently and have very strong opinions about how things should be done.

Though the husband claims that he'll be fine years of wussing out over a variety of blood and guts shows on television leave the outcome in doubt. Also, his fear of bossy nurses and figures of authority, tracing back to an almost pathologically shy childhood and still a surprisingly sensitive adult for someone who jokes around so much, make the chance that he screws up his role as natural birth facilitator pretty likely.

Advantage: Toss up. The bossy wife may pull through and help on this one.

Prediction based on flimsy evidence:

The baby will be born on Sunday morning at 11 A.M. If we're lucky, she'll look like the cute kid at the top of this blog.


Tomorrow we'll take a look at other key match ups like:

Baby vs. breast the case of latching.

Whether the husband is able to sleep at home after the baby is born vs. no way in hell will the wife allow this

Will reading nineteen books about pregnancy make the wife prepared vs. reading one book half-assedly make the husband more prepared