Five days...

Let's get Ryan Adams and Adam Duritz together and see what chicanery comes about.


This morning, as I was lying in bed, barely swimming up from beneath the tendrils of sleep, I began to consider a child. I didn't do it in an abstract way, moving through what a weekend might look like. I thought about having a child as a physical entity in my arms, a screaming little entity who is almost entirely dependent on S and I for everything. I did what I imagine most sane people have already done months before, I panicked. I started counting the ways in which I would probably end up failing this little baby: diapers, swaddling, general knowledge of what a cry means.

I'm kind of torn between the part of myself that says, "Hey idiot, people have been doing this for thousands of years. You're not exactly reinventing the wheel." And the other part of me that says, "Panic!!!" Or "Sure, but none of those people was me. If I'd been around for a few thousand years I probably wouldn't be so panicked."

Here's what I know about babies.

1) They scream during diaper changes right off the bat. This will be extremely hard for me because I'll want her to be perfect for those judgmental nurses. Also, I'll want her to change her own diaper and stop being such a leech on mom and dad.

2) Babies like to be swaddled. I don't know how to swaddle. At what point in my life did I think I'd be having an internal discourse about my ability to swaddle? Answer: never.

3) I'm probably going to have issues around meconium.

Some other things I'm hoping for:

1) That the baby pops out and says immediately, "I hope you've gotten caught up on your sleep just because I'd like to hear it from someone a bit cuter for once.

2) That the next person who has anything to say about parenthood that isn't positive, to me or S falls off a steep cliff...into a bevy of soft mattresses. I just want a little scare.

3) That our baby, upon arrival in the nursery compliments the fine craftsmanship that went into putting together a room full of paisley. Also, I hope at some point she can explain to me where paisley came from.

4) That sharks do not ever take over the world. I don't like sharks and neither should you.

5) That when the baby is crying in the middle of the night I remember that everything in life passes quickly, and that there will be a day when I miss waking up to that little girl and can't believe how old she's gotten.