Life or Business Coach-This one is easy. There is a long tradition of young people sitting at the foot of their elders and learning about how great the world was way back when and how the youngsters have turned it all to piss. I want a life coach who isn't afraid to shoot straight with me and let me know when I'm doing something that he would have considered to be nancying around in his day, and I'll tell him that that sort of thing isn't PC anymore, and he'll tell me to run laps or something. I'm getting a life coach.
Retirement Financial Planner-I went to a financial planner who was retired, but he advised me to spend it all on booze on women. I didn't think it was sound advice. I suggested that maybe I should put it away in a 401K, which was followed by a long conversation about the gold standard. Then he brought a shovel and started digging a hole in my yard in which to bury my money.
Event Planner-Hey, you're getting up there in years, why don't you take a break by doing something stressful? I guess it might shorten your life if you're into that sort of thing, but otherwise, I don't know if arguing about cupcakes is how I'd want to spend my retirement.
Home Stager-I'm guessing this means staging a home, like putting in carpeting to cover nasty wood floors and maybe throwing some afghans over some couches. Perhaps taking out those fashionable new stainless steel appliances for a good old General Electric refrigerator. Honestly, home staging works. We wanted to buy ever staged home we entered, and they were all too expensive, which means that home stagers are probably payed a hell of a lot of money. We should all go into it. Wait, does that work? Can we all have the same job? Probably, we just need boot straps big enough for everyone.
Bed and Breakfast Operator-This isn't the worst idea in the world. You can cook breakfast, rattle on about the good old days to people who are paying for the charm of hearing about the good old days. And, when you get bored of that, you can say racially insensitive things to make those charming young people feel very uncomfortable. Uh, sort of a real thing there.
Cleaning Service Provider-Because you know what people miss when they retire? House chores. When they don't have the chance to vacuum their own rug they can slog on over to the neighbor's house to vacuum there's. Living the dream.
Home Inspector-This is actually a really great idea. You see, the job of a home inspector is to tell you everything that could go wrong with your house. It's kind of a perfect set up.
Inspector: You see those shingles. You need to replace them.
M: How many?
Inspec: All of them.
M: How soon?
Inspec: Probably within the first three months or your house will start leaking or one of the shingles will fall off and kill you, or...
M: I get it.
Inspec: Now you see that railing. Loose. You'll need to fix that immediately or you'll probably slip one morning and die.
M: Oh.
Inspec: The furnace is old.
M: Sigh. So we're paying for this?
Etsy based business operator-Listen, I only recently learned what Etsy was. Next thing you know you'll be recommending that they start a business youtubing themselves blogging in the nude to gangnam style. Sure I'd watch it, but I'm not sure that you're average retiree knows what you're talking about. Keep it simple MSN.
Daycare Provider-This mainly involves using light brights and melting crayons while convincing children that play-doh is not a culinary delight. Sounds reasonable. I jest. I've taken care of kids. It's terrible. They're like sharks. They smell blood in the water. If you are going to be a daycare provider you better have some serious love in your heart and an extremely low child to teacher ratio. I once witness four kids eat a daycare provider alive. I kid you not.
Tutor-When I was five they sent me to a reading tutor because they thought I was stupid. The story does not end happily. The tutor merely confirmed their suspicions. Okay, it didn't quite go down like that. I remember being rewarded with a Skittle each time I finished a page without making any errors. The woman's name was Sacscen. She was no doubt some sort of early retiree. And I'm certain if I went back through the list above I could create a much different story, but this is the one I've chosen to tell, and the one that you're listening to. I was a damned magnificent reader, and I ate Skittles as if every Thursday was Halloween for those few months that I was tutored.
Retirement Financial Planner-I went to a financial planner who was retired, but he advised me to spend it all on booze on women. I didn't think it was sound advice. I suggested that maybe I should put it away in a 401K, which was followed by a long conversation about the gold standard. Then he brought a shovel and started digging a hole in my yard in which to bury my money.
Event Planner-Hey, you're getting up there in years, why don't you take a break by doing something stressful? I guess it might shorten your life if you're into that sort of thing, but otherwise, I don't know if arguing about cupcakes is how I'd want to spend my retirement.
Home Stager-I'm guessing this means staging a home, like putting in carpeting to cover nasty wood floors and maybe throwing some afghans over some couches. Perhaps taking out those fashionable new stainless steel appliances for a good old General Electric refrigerator. Honestly, home staging works. We wanted to buy ever staged home we entered, and they were all too expensive, which means that home stagers are probably payed a hell of a lot of money. We should all go into it. Wait, does that work? Can we all have the same job? Probably, we just need boot straps big enough for everyone.
Bed and Breakfast Operator-This isn't the worst idea in the world. You can cook breakfast, rattle on about the good old days to people who are paying for the charm of hearing about the good old days. And, when you get bored of that, you can say racially insensitive things to make those charming young people feel very uncomfortable. Uh, sort of a real thing there.
Cleaning Service Provider-Because you know what people miss when they retire? House chores. When they don't have the chance to vacuum their own rug they can slog on over to the neighbor's house to vacuum there's. Living the dream.
Home Inspector-This is actually a really great idea. You see, the job of a home inspector is to tell you everything that could go wrong with your house. It's kind of a perfect set up.
Inspector: You see those shingles. You need to replace them.
M: How many?
Inspec: All of them.
M: How soon?
Inspec: Probably within the first three months or your house will start leaking or one of the shingles will fall off and kill you, or...
M: I get it.
Inspec: Now you see that railing. Loose. You'll need to fix that immediately or you'll probably slip one morning and die.
M: Oh.
Inspec: The furnace is old.
M: Sigh. So we're paying for this?
Etsy based business operator-Listen, I only recently learned what Etsy was. Next thing you know you'll be recommending that they start a business youtubing themselves blogging in the nude to gangnam style. Sure I'd watch it, but I'm not sure that you're average retiree knows what you're talking about. Keep it simple MSN.
Daycare Provider-This mainly involves using light brights and melting crayons while convincing children that play-doh is not a culinary delight. Sounds reasonable. I jest. I've taken care of kids. It's terrible. They're like sharks. They smell blood in the water. If you are going to be a daycare provider you better have some serious love in your heart and an extremely low child to teacher ratio. I once witness four kids eat a daycare provider alive. I kid you not.
Tutor-When I was five they sent me to a reading tutor because they thought I was stupid. The story does not end happily. The tutor merely confirmed their suspicions. Okay, it didn't quite go down like that. I remember being rewarded with a Skittle each time I finished a page without making any errors. The woman's name was Sacscen. She was no doubt some sort of early retiree. And I'm certain if I went back through the list above I could create a much different story, but this is the one I've chosen to tell, and the one that you're listening to. I was a damned magnificent reader, and I ate Skittles as if every Thursday was Halloween for those few months that I was tutored.
i thought life coaches only existed in california
ReplyDeletefinancial planner for who..everyone is in debt and unemployed!
running a b and b would be cool but would require being personable constantly
cleaning service..after spending 40 years
cleaning up already who needs more
day care..no.. most people already did that for their kids and enjoy minimum time with the grand kids
tutor is cool...$60 an hour for someone who is
ADD or ADHD or just tuned out
i suggest hedge funds or crossing guard????