Top 5 Ways we go on Dec 21 2012

1. Giant hidden planet appears from nowhere and crashes into the earth. Listen, if you're artsy, you've already seen this scenario play out in Melancholia. In short, Kirsten Dunst is really depressed as is everyone else in Denmark if this is what passes for film there.

Bright Side: On the bright side a planet sort of slowly careening towards the earth would all give us time to finish wrapping all those presents we bought for ourselves on black Friday. It wouldn't be a sudden type thing, so we'd also have time to go get the car washed and kiss our loved ones go sky diving or watch the entire series of Saved by the Bell in footie pajamas.

Dark Side: It would be kind of sad to have that looming inevitability of catastrophic destruction. I'm not saying it would ruin my day, I'm just saying it would put a damper on it. Like if someone said, "Looks like you've got a case of the Mondays," I might respond, "that's because we're all going to die," but maybe the guy would be wearing a funny shirt of a dog saying something that incorporates a pun on the word bark.

Final Thoughts: I'm kind of a fan of this one. We all want our lives to be like the movies. Sure, some of us want to be James Bond, but who doesn't want to be a rattled Keifer Sutherland taking horse tranqus in the stables? Yeah, me neither, maybe this isn't as good as it sounded.

Chances it happens: 50 percent

Here's to hoping it's at least a V-6. 

2. Yellowstone National Park Erupts.

Bright Side: I'm guessing we get one of those warning type things when all the animals start pouring out of the park because animals always know first, like how dogs are always barking at the damn door before someone can even get up the steps. Like, give it a rest dogs, I'm still twenty steps away. This would give some folks in Wyoming sometime to reflect on their ranches or how they were right about wanting to kill off all the wolves or something as they stormed through their back yards.

Dark Side: I don't know if I want to live in a world where volcanic ash blots out all the light and leads to a slow extinction. It kind of sounds similar to my understanding of the game backgammon. Besides which, I'm not even sure this one works because Monsanto could probably develop some sort of bean that could grow in the dark, cold, sunless world. Sure it would make you grow fangs and wings, but I think that's a small price to pay for the continued existence of the species.

Final Thoughts: For Americans, this wouldn't be a bad way to go. People have always compared us to Rome, and the Mount Vesuvius would comparisons would just be so rich. Granted, the Monsanto lead army of flying monkeys probably wouldn't appreciate the irony, but somewhere, somebody would. Or not.

Chances it happens: 25 percent.

I need Rembert to explain this guy to me.

Aliens-Alien invasion. Did we invent aliens or did aliens invent us? That's the provocative question possibly asked by the new Ridlley Scott movie that I didn't see. However, I've never let a lack of knowledge stop me from putting things "in quotes."

Bright side-There are going to be a whole heck of a lot of people who will feel vindicated. "See, I told you we were going to be enslaved or annihilated by alien overlords." And you'll just have to sit there and look at your tin foil neighbor smiling because he did have it right all along. And, maybe now he'll give you back that saw and wrench that he stole to fashion a spaceship of his own.

Dark Side-Looking at the guy smile. No one likes to be proved wrong, and a lot of us would look foolish. Plus, wouldn't it kind of be expected? We already did this during the broadcast of War of the Worlds. It would be kind of anti-climactic, and you'd probably have a lot of people asking what took them so long or complaining that suspense wise the invasion had nothing on Independence Day.

Final Thoughts-This seems like a good one, but I'm afraid it's been made too hackneyed by overuse. Maybe the aliens would all be friendly like E.T. But honestly, wouldn't we all be a little disappointed with that?

Chances it happens: 13 percent.

Is that a solar flare? Or is Jean Grey just exiting the sun?

4. A massive solar flare

Bright Side: This one just writes itself.

Dark Side: Too easy.

Final Thoughts-(Spends time reading up on solar flares. Goes to bed scared of everything).

Chanes it happens .05 percent .

5. Asteroids-The plus side of asteroids is that we all know from Deep Impact and that Bruce Willis movie that all we have to do is fly nukes into them to destroy them, or the American flag or something. My memory is a bit foggy, but I'm pretty sure in a fight between the end of existence and an asteroid we kick as- like we did on the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Are any of your referents real? What is real, I say?

Bright Side: Well, I think I already covered that. We could have an overwhelming sense of pride in our scientific abilities, perhaps it would unite us for a few days. Then again, it turns out we don't really have a sophisticated detection system for near earth objects, so we'd probably just go out dinosaur style.

Final Thoughts-It seems to me that it would create a nice sense of symmetry for us to go out like the dinosaurs. Though, to be fair, I'm not sure we'd do it with as much style. 

Chances of this happening: 8 percent