1) Children.
Why do people ever get on planes with children? Can't they just get a minivan and drive to Idaho like everyone else, spending the trip alternatively questioning every decision they've made in their life that lead them to this point while wondering if they can make it to the next gas station and through the crushing boredom of the highway and the grey rimmed salt flats and low slung sun on the horizon?
2) The person sitting next to you who takes the arm rest right away.
It's fine to eventually, surreptitiously, slide your arm over and lay claim to the arm rest. However, it's a delicate dane, much like ballet that must be done with appropriate caution and care. Glance at least once or twice at the person sitting next to you before slowly sliding your arm into the rest, then leave it there, but keep your awareness fixed tightly on its slight tremors, on the small space between it and this next person's shoulder.
3) People who pretend to be totally unmoved by turbulence
Turbulence is a sign that the plan is probably going down, and it's not going to be a Romancing the Stone type of thing where you land quietly in a jungle and fall in love with your handsome male guide. But if it was, we'd all fly more often. No. If the person next to you is just continuing to text wildly, laughing occasionally while also playing a game of Candy Crush Saga then you're sitting next to a jerk. They need to be white knuckling that chair arm like any decent human being would be doing and contemplating just whether they've done enough with their meager lives.
4) People who get up to go to the bathroom more than once.
Listen, once you're down in your seat, if you didn't have the forethought to snag the aisle by buying your ticket well in advance then you're up shi- creek when it comes to using the bathroom. I don't care if it's a 19 hour flight across the Pacific, you're allotted one trip, and if the person in the aisle happens to get up then you'd best snag that opportunity as well. Otherwise, it's all getting up and getting down or waking people up who are just having a nice sleep and drool to pass the time on the plane.
5) People who don't get up to let you out but just kind of sit back like that helps at all
If you wanted to give out lap dances you'd have applied for a different job, and probably done more squats. As it is, you're just trying to get in and out of your seat, and it would really help if these people got up instead of pretending that by squeezing their back against the chair they were somehow clearing extra room. They are not.
6) People who fall right asleep on planes as if they are at a cheap motel
You are on a flight, not the Motel 6. At least say hello to the flight attendant, Mitch, who has just delivered a great riff on the necessity or lack thereof of overhead oxygen masks and life preservers. And stop drooling on me.
7) People who stay awake during flights
Stop staying awake during flights. It makes it awkward for those of us who prefer to spend the whole flight with our heads lolling back and forth, waking up once when someone needs to go to the bathroom and a second time to put our seat backs up. When you stay awake, it makes us feel weird about the dream we just had about Andy from Parks and Rec. having a nice pair of abs that we asked him about. Go to sleep!
8) Those people who are determined to stuff their bag into an overhead flight bin come hell or high water
Guess what! There isn't any room? And guess what? You've skipped the bag charge, so just pass it off like a normal person, and we can all continue on with our flight rather than watching you try and stuff an entire set of golf clubs in bin with three suitcases already occupying it.
9) People without children who don't courtesy smile at people with children
You know the only thing worse than being on a plane surrounded by a bunch of kids? Being the person charged with keeping those kids quiet. The only thing louder than those kids screaming in your ear is those kids screaming in my ear, and my flight cost the same amount as yours. Why do I have to sit next to them anyway?
10) People who fly first class
I've never flown first class, and I never will. Not because I can't afford it, but, wait, it's because I can't afford it. Anyhow, just move back in coach with the rest of us and stop making us feel bad about ourselves. I'll make room between my two kids for you to come back and share your wisdom on how to make money and have friends while my one year old wipes a nutri-grain bar on your Armani suit.
11) People who don't drink on flights
Have you ever drank on a flight? It's not that expensive. You should probably be drinking on your flight. I realize you may be getting off to meet your girlfriend's parents for the first time, and you want to make a good impression, but what makes a better impression than saying, "Hey, flying sucks, and I self-medicate to get through it." Don't we all honey, is what they'd probably say before taking you to an Applebee's or something.
12) People who laugh out loud at the in flight movie
You chuckle, quietly. Very quietly. This is not a bar, good sir. Keep that laughter muffled. I don't care how many zany antics that Steve Carrell is up to on screen, you muffle that laugh. Nobody wants to hear laughter on a plane. It's disrespectful to those of us who are white knuckling the whole way and thinking about all the sunrises in Greece and Perseid meteor showers we never watched.
13) People who recline their seats
I never recline my seat. Well, almost never, sometimes S convinces me it's okay. But really, you know how little room there is behind you, so sleep with your chair straight dammit. Listen for most of human history people were sleeping in unheated shelters gathered around small bits of fire. You're telling me you can't make it for 2 hours without slamming your seat into my knees? Stop it.
Why do people ever get on planes with children? Can't they just get a minivan and drive to Idaho like everyone else, spending the trip alternatively questioning every decision they've made in their life that lead them to this point while wondering if they can make it to the next gas station and through the crushing boredom of the highway and the grey rimmed salt flats and low slung sun on the horizon?
2) The person sitting next to you who takes the arm rest right away.
It's fine to eventually, surreptitiously, slide your arm over and lay claim to the arm rest. However, it's a delicate dane, much like ballet that must be done with appropriate caution and care. Glance at least once or twice at the person sitting next to you before slowly sliding your arm into the rest, then leave it there, but keep your awareness fixed tightly on its slight tremors, on the small space between it and this next person's shoulder.
3) People who pretend to be totally unmoved by turbulence
Turbulence is a sign that the plan is probably going down, and it's not going to be a Romancing the Stone type of thing where you land quietly in a jungle and fall in love with your handsome male guide. But if it was, we'd all fly more often. No. If the person next to you is just continuing to text wildly, laughing occasionally while also playing a game of Candy Crush Saga then you're sitting next to a jerk. They need to be white knuckling that chair arm like any decent human being would be doing and contemplating just whether they've done enough with their meager lives.
4) People who get up to go to the bathroom more than once.
Listen, once you're down in your seat, if you didn't have the forethought to snag the aisle by buying your ticket well in advance then you're up shi- creek when it comes to using the bathroom. I don't care if it's a 19 hour flight across the Pacific, you're allotted one trip, and if the person in the aisle happens to get up then you'd best snag that opportunity as well. Otherwise, it's all getting up and getting down or waking people up who are just having a nice sleep and drool to pass the time on the plane.
5) People who don't get up to let you out but just kind of sit back like that helps at all
If you wanted to give out lap dances you'd have applied for a different job, and probably done more squats. As it is, you're just trying to get in and out of your seat, and it would really help if these people got up instead of pretending that by squeezing their back against the chair they were somehow clearing extra room. They are not.
6) People who fall right asleep on planes as if they are at a cheap motel
You are on a flight, not the Motel 6. At least say hello to the flight attendant, Mitch, who has just delivered a great riff on the necessity or lack thereof of overhead oxygen masks and life preservers. And stop drooling on me.
7) People who stay awake during flights
Stop staying awake during flights. It makes it awkward for those of us who prefer to spend the whole flight with our heads lolling back and forth, waking up once when someone needs to go to the bathroom and a second time to put our seat backs up. When you stay awake, it makes us feel weird about the dream we just had about Andy from Parks and Rec. having a nice pair of abs that we asked him about. Go to sleep!
8) Those people who are determined to stuff their bag into an overhead flight bin come hell or high water
Guess what! There isn't any room? And guess what? You've skipped the bag charge, so just pass it off like a normal person, and we can all continue on with our flight rather than watching you try and stuff an entire set of golf clubs in bin with three suitcases already occupying it.
9) People without children who don't courtesy smile at people with children
You know the only thing worse than being on a plane surrounded by a bunch of kids? Being the person charged with keeping those kids quiet. The only thing louder than those kids screaming in your ear is those kids screaming in my ear, and my flight cost the same amount as yours. Why do I have to sit next to them anyway?
10) People who fly first class
I've never flown first class, and I never will. Not because I can't afford it, but, wait, it's because I can't afford it. Anyhow, just move back in coach with the rest of us and stop making us feel bad about ourselves. I'll make room between my two kids for you to come back and share your wisdom on how to make money and have friends while my one year old wipes a nutri-grain bar on your Armani suit.
11) People who don't drink on flights
Have you ever drank on a flight? It's not that expensive. You should probably be drinking on your flight. I realize you may be getting off to meet your girlfriend's parents for the first time, and you want to make a good impression, but what makes a better impression than saying, "Hey, flying sucks, and I self-medicate to get through it." Don't we all honey, is what they'd probably say before taking you to an Applebee's or something.
12) People who laugh out loud at the in flight movie
You chuckle, quietly. Very quietly. This is not a bar, good sir. Keep that laughter muffled. I don't care how many zany antics that Steve Carrell is up to on screen, you muffle that laugh. Nobody wants to hear laughter on a plane. It's disrespectful to those of us who are white knuckling the whole way and thinking about all the sunrises in Greece and Perseid meteor showers we never watched.
13) People who recline their seats
I never recline my seat. Well, almost never, sometimes S convinces me it's okay. But really, you know how little room there is behind you, so sleep with your chair straight dammit. Listen for most of human history people were sleeping in unheated shelters gathered around small bits of fire. You're telling me you can't make it for 2 hours without slamming your seat into my knees? Stop it.
drool and #13 my favorites!!
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