1) Dating.
No one knows how to define a date anymore. Why are you dating someone? Maybe you just want to get together for coffee and talk about politics. Maybe you'd like to rent out the Nationals stadium for a day and fill every seat with a rose. Can't a man just rent out a stadium, fill it with roses, and then recite sonnet 116 to a girl without having it called a date?
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
2) Overanalyzing things
Don't do that thing where you count out the number of characters that they used in a text and then go back and try to use precisely the same number of characters in your text to show that you're on equal footing because your texts just ends," Yeah, I had a great time as we--" I mean, you didn't play your hand too strongly, but now you just look like someone who can't complete a sentence. I'm just kidding about not overanalyzing things though. Overanalyzing things is fun. Why else would people date? There is no better way to spend one's time than thinking about what someone else meant when they said, "I'll see you sometime soon." How soon, like tomorrow soon? Tonight soon? A week? A month? What did they mean by soon?
3. Renting a yacht and sailing the girl down to one of the Caribbean islands.
No worries. I've made that same mistake myself. However, at first they are just sitting out on the prow of the ship, watching it cut through the waves as if it were parting curtains, sipping champagne and wondering if they can get a good tan on their mid riff, and the next thing you know you're down in Antigua proposing, and they're flying home on the next flight. Such is life, man.
4. Undearanalyzing things
Now is not the time to go hide in your bro cave and pretend like you don't care what song is playing on the radio when the two of you are driving up the coast for lunch. You care. And one of the things that's cute about you is that you care. Don't underanalyze things and treat her like she's a friend when you've secretly been in love with her since the second grade, anxiously waiting for a game of Mash to finish to see if you were lucky enough to get her. Think about it, bro.
5. Sleeping together on the first date
Everyone knows that good things come to those who wait and that delayed gratification is much better than that which is met immediately. It's best to wait, and since gratification that is delayed is undoubtedly the best, I'd propose waiting forever. Just imagine how great it could be. If Gatsby, considered to be the greatest American novel by many, not me, taught us anything it's that the image of something is nearly always better than the thing itself.
6. Being too romantic
No one wants you to be too romantic on a first date. Studies that I've just made up on the spot show that 90 percent of people prefer a good sense of humor in their help mate. You know what isn't funny, paying a string quartet to play "I Will Always Love You" at your candle lit dinner table. In truth, only 50 percent of people like someone with a good sense of humor. However, it's still something to consider.
7. Not being romantic enough
Look, if a girl wanted to just go grab coffee and pay for herself she'd have hung out with her friend. This is a date, so it's probably best that you buy that coffee. In less she wants one of those fancy frozen coffees. You need to send the message that you've got means, but you won't be flying her around in a jet like a contestant on the Bachelor.
8. Taking her to see the new X-men movie on your first date
Look, even though portions of the movie get the mythology wrong, it's still a fairly complex plot with multiple time strains interacting with one another. It's best to have a first date where you go through your comic book collection and walk her through the real story of Kitty Pryde. This is the sort of thing that girls go crazy for. She'll love nothing more than listening to you describe why Bishop and Cain fight over alternate futures. What girl wouldn't?
9. Spending the whole date talking about your ex
Listen, guys. This is the internet era. You don't think she's already spent hours stalking your ex on facebook, seeing where you guys went on trips over the past two years, whether you're still friends or not on Facebook. Heck, she's already friended her in hopes of seeing what she's hiding on her profile. Please don't spend time talking about your ex, this girl already knows everything about her anyway.
10. Going bowling
The thing about bowling, particularly in a metropolitan area, is that it's expensive. And she's going to expect you to at least put up a 150. But you haven't been bowling since you were ten, and you're not sure why they put the pins so far away, and did that beer just cost eight dollars. In the movies, dudes are always teaching the girl how to bowl. In real life, the guy is just trying to crack 100.
11. Picking out the wrong clothes
I can't stress how important it is to look good. Granted, I've worn the same t-shirts for five straight years, but I also haven't been on a date in a decade or so. Do you see the scarf that Bill Murray is wearing in the shot above? That's the kind of little touch that lets a woman know that you care. Don't just show up in your ratty jeans and underground brewing t-shirt. Put on a nice cravat and show her a good time. This guy is wearing a dope cravat. You don't think he gets second dates? Please.
12. Talking too much about yourself
If this blog has consistently fed you one piece of advice over the years it's that pictures of kittens and puppies are the reason, despite all the adult sites, that the internet exists. However, another piece of advice that I've hammered home is that everyone's favorite person to talk about is themselves. Don't miss this opportunity to let your date shine by gumming it up with stories of what you and your bros were doing over the weekend. Just say, "That's interesting," or "I'd like to hear about your childhood," or "it's interesting that you spent those seven years in Siberia fighting bears, I'd like to hear more about that." You've already got yourself a second date.
13. Talking about your love of ice dancing
Stop it! Everyone already loves ice dancing. You don't need to tell her that. Just watch these people float on the ice like two dancers in the best Jane Austen novel that has never been written.
14. Making the first move
It's better to have a date end awkwardly and to never see someone again then to go in for a kiss or a term of affection only to have the other person deny you. The best thing you can do is just wait, years, sometimes decades for that person to make a move. Eventually, it'll happen or you'll both move on, or you'll die. Win, win!
15. Take someone somewhere, a coffee shop, a mountain, a beach, a park. In the early portion of the date, talk about the weather, how perfect or dreadful it is, to get over your nerves. She makes you nervous, which is fine. It's a good thing. Bring sandwiches and spread out a blanket, or sit on a bench, or walk down the dusty streets of the small town talking about the things that interest you both, the people you see on the street, the places you've been or one day hope to be. Laugh. Float easily in conversation between the serious and the silly. Smile often. Listen carefully. This could be the first of many or the first and last. Either way, let the moments unfurl. Be kind.
No one knows how to define a date anymore. Why are you dating someone? Maybe you just want to get together for coffee and talk about politics. Maybe you'd like to rent out the Nationals stadium for a day and fill every seat with a rose. Can't a man just rent out a stadium, fill it with roses, and then recite sonnet 116 to a girl without having it called a date?
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
2) Overanalyzing things
Don't do that thing where you count out the number of characters that they used in a text and then go back and try to use precisely the same number of characters in your text to show that you're on equal footing because your texts just ends," Yeah, I had a great time as we--" I mean, you didn't play your hand too strongly, but now you just look like someone who can't complete a sentence. I'm just kidding about not overanalyzing things though. Overanalyzing things is fun. Why else would people date? There is no better way to spend one's time than thinking about what someone else meant when they said, "I'll see you sometime soon." How soon, like tomorrow soon? Tonight soon? A week? A month? What did they mean by soon?
3. Renting a yacht and sailing the girl down to one of the Caribbean islands.
No worries. I've made that same mistake myself. However, at first they are just sitting out on the prow of the ship, watching it cut through the waves as if it were parting curtains, sipping champagne and wondering if they can get a good tan on their mid riff, and the next thing you know you're down in Antigua proposing, and they're flying home on the next flight. Such is life, man.
4. Undearanalyzing things
Now is not the time to go hide in your bro cave and pretend like you don't care what song is playing on the radio when the two of you are driving up the coast for lunch. You care. And one of the things that's cute about you is that you care. Don't underanalyze things and treat her like she's a friend when you've secretly been in love with her since the second grade, anxiously waiting for a game of Mash to finish to see if you were lucky enough to get her. Think about it, bro.
5. Sleeping together on the first date
Everyone knows that good things come to those who wait and that delayed gratification is much better than that which is met immediately. It's best to wait, and since gratification that is delayed is undoubtedly the best, I'd propose waiting forever. Just imagine how great it could be. If Gatsby, considered to be the greatest American novel by many, not me, taught us anything it's that the image of something is nearly always better than the thing itself.
6. Being too romantic
No one wants you to be too romantic on a first date. Studies that I've just made up on the spot show that 90 percent of people prefer a good sense of humor in their help mate. You know what isn't funny, paying a string quartet to play "I Will Always Love You" at your candle lit dinner table. In truth, only 50 percent of people like someone with a good sense of humor. However, it's still something to consider.
7. Not being romantic enough
Look, if a girl wanted to just go grab coffee and pay for herself she'd have hung out with her friend. This is a date, so it's probably best that you buy that coffee. In less she wants one of those fancy frozen coffees. You need to send the message that you've got means, but you won't be flying her around in a jet like a contestant on the Bachelor.
8. Taking her to see the new X-men movie on your first date
Look, even though portions of the movie get the mythology wrong, it's still a fairly complex plot with multiple time strains interacting with one another. It's best to have a first date where you go through your comic book collection and walk her through the real story of Kitty Pryde. This is the sort of thing that girls go crazy for. She'll love nothing more than listening to you describe why Bishop and Cain fight over alternate futures. What girl wouldn't?
9. Spending the whole date talking about your ex
Listen, guys. This is the internet era. You don't think she's already spent hours stalking your ex on facebook, seeing where you guys went on trips over the past two years, whether you're still friends or not on Facebook. Heck, she's already friended her in hopes of seeing what she's hiding on her profile. Please don't spend time talking about your ex, this girl already knows everything about her anyway.
10. Going bowling
The thing about bowling, particularly in a metropolitan area, is that it's expensive. And she's going to expect you to at least put up a 150. But you haven't been bowling since you were ten, and you're not sure why they put the pins so far away, and did that beer just cost eight dollars. In the movies, dudes are always teaching the girl how to bowl. In real life, the guy is just trying to crack 100.
I can't stress how important it is to look good. Granted, I've worn the same t-shirts for five straight years, but I also haven't been on a date in a decade or so. Do you see the scarf that Bill Murray is wearing in the shot above? That's the kind of little touch that lets a woman know that you care. Don't just show up in your ratty jeans and underground brewing t-shirt. Put on a nice cravat and show her a good time. This guy is wearing a dope cravat. You don't think he gets second dates? Please.
12. Talking too much about yourself
If this blog has consistently fed you one piece of advice over the years it's that pictures of kittens and puppies are the reason, despite all the adult sites, that the internet exists. However, another piece of advice that I've hammered home is that everyone's favorite person to talk about is themselves. Don't miss this opportunity to let your date shine by gumming it up with stories of what you and your bros were doing over the weekend. Just say, "That's interesting," or "I'd like to hear about your childhood," or "it's interesting that you spent those seven years in Siberia fighting bears, I'd like to hear more about that." You've already got yourself a second date.
13. Talking about your love of ice dancing
Stop it! Everyone already loves ice dancing. You don't need to tell her that. Just watch these people float on the ice like two dancers in the best Jane Austen novel that has never been written.
14. Making the first move
It's better to have a date end awkwardly and to never see someone again then to go in for a kiss or a term of affection only to have the other person deny you. The best thing you can do is just wait, years, sometimes decades for that person to make a move. Eventually, it'll happen or you'll both move on, or you'll die. Win, win!
15. Take someone somewhere, a coffee shop, a mountain, a beach, a park. In the early portion of the date, talk about the weather, how perfect or dreadful it is, to get over your nerves. She makes you nervous, which is fine. It's a good thing. Bring sandwiches and spread out a blanket, or sit on a bench, or walk down the dusty streets of the small town talking about the things that interest you both, the people you see on the street, the places you've been or one day hope to be. Laugh. Float easily in conversation between the serious and the silly. Smile often. Listen carefully. This could be the first of many or the first and last. Either way, let the moments unfurl. Be kind.
my point with #8 is never take a date to a movie where the
ReplyDeletelead male actors are all great looking, with 6 packs,lots of hair, and killer smiles..you lose
as to #11..is that president rutherford b. hayes??