Fences continued

Other options for fences include your traditional wooden fence. As it turns out wooden fences cost somewhere between 2,000 and 1 million dollars.

S: Can you go down and get the thyme? I need it for this recipe.

M: I guess I have the time to do it.

M: I am officially eighty years old.

Whenever you mention getting a nice privacy fence, people always feel that need to mention that you could do it yourself. Then a long explanation follows about laying concrete, (and I've no earthly idea how we're going to fit a cement mixer into our backyard) and just setting it up, and I glaze over and try to ask when the next football game starts. I mean, I suppose I could also build my own rocket and fly to the moon, but if I'm going to the moon, I'm going to let NASA build my rocket. Note: I think it's fair to compare building a rocket to building a fence. If I wanted to know how to build a fence I would have gone to fence building school. You build the fence, and I'll wrote a poem about it. Who is to say, which is more important?
Answer: The neighbor's dog, who is blocked out by the fence but tears through poetry like it's flesh.

Aside: I had to look up how to pronounce the word poem this evening due to a disturbing trend amongst people I know to pronounce it pome or pyme. For my money it is and always will be pronounced, poem. I guess I pronounce it that way because that's how it's spelled and always been done and always should be done. I'm willing to grant that pome or pyme might be an appropriate pronunciation if you are...no, I'm not willing to grant it. In fact, this whole pome craze started because one of our illustrious profs in the writing program, and a poet to boot, calls them pomes. To which, what the hell man? I don't know if anyone else has been wondering lately about how to pronounce poem or if they can reassure me that it's still just poem. I'd really appreciate some support here. This probably means that I'll receive a bunch of pomes in response because the world is a dark and dreary place.

(An episode in which a joke is made. And no, we're not).

S: It says here in this book that a husband shouldn't get drunk if the couple is trying to get pregnant.

M: How else is she going to get him to sleep with her?

S: I guess that was kind of an easy one.

M: I felt like letting it pass would have been a disservice to both of us.

At some point I was talking about fences. Anyhow, wooden fences cost a bit of cash, and my first novel hasn't hit the best seller list yet, so we're unsure if we can do it. The nice wooden fence is great because it gives the middle finger to the rest of your neighbors letting them know that you've got a yard that is better than the one they've got. And maybe you're nude sun bathing all day back there, it's none of their damn business! Note: S actually wants to get one of them fancy Yankee fenes that allows for breathing or something. Does wood breathe?

The downside of the wooden fence is that it rots. A wooden fence is like your basic dictatorship. At first everything looks fine and dandy, then someone peaks inside the fence and realizes that you've been handing out pamphlets about how great your fence is, and how everyone should have a fence just like it or be put to death. The upkeep on the fence turns out to be a pain in the ass and you're out another million or so.

Vinyl fences last longer. However, the down side of ownign a vinyl fene is that not everyone knows that it is a superior material for longevity. Your neighbor is going to see your vinyl fence and think to himself, "Damn, that poor bastard couldn't even afford a wood fence." And he'll leave shaking his head or perhaps offering you a dollar or something to replace the cheap plastic you've put up in place of solid chain link. Putting up a wall is all about impressing your neighbors. People in the middle ages knew this and so they erected castles with large walls knowing that their descendants would profit handsomely from tourists for the next thousand years. A lot of people will tell you some bunk about protecting from peasant revolts or marauding armies, but they are all liars. Walls were a long term investment in the future.

So now you can't put up vinyl. So what do you put up? Granted, this is only an answer in the front yard, but the answer is definitely wrought iron. Wikipedia gives you a nice update on why it's the best but it takes too damn long. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wrought_iron. Here's my Andrewpedia definition. Wrought iron is the best because it looks simple, yet ornate. It lets your neighbors see into your yard, but it does more than that. It says to your neighbor, I could have afforded a big fence, but I didn't want to obstruct your view of how much better I am than you. It says, Oh look, in case of a peasant uprising, I could just pull one of these large stakes from the ground and smelt together some chain mail and a sword and sleigh them. It says, look at all the fancy grill work, look at how my wrought iron looks like wood only better. Wrought iron says, this fence is pretty much not functional, and I'm so much better than you that I don't even need a functional fence. I'm happy with this small, easily scaled, non-view obstructing piece of iron.

Man do I love wrought iron fences! One of the best things about owning a home is finding out about all these things that you never really knew you loved. Anyhow, I should probably get to bed as I'm planning on breaking the news to S tomorrow that our laundry room is going to be turned into a smithy. I can't wait to work the bellows! Wrought iron bit-h! Refer to picture above as referent for conversation.

Neighbor: I noticed you got a new fence there neighbor.

M: You're damn right I do! That's wrought iron.

Neighbor: Looks like those flowers are really coming in nicely.

M: Why don't you take a closer look at my wrought iron fence. Do you see what those are? Look closer. That's right. It's a human skull carved into my fence. So why don't you just save the comments about my flowers to yourself!

Neighbor: I was just trying to compliment you.

M: That's it. I'm going to the smith to smelt up a lance to impale you on.

Neighbor: This actually used to be a nice neighborhood.

M: Your skull will adorn my fence! Wrought iron!

Note: The author apologizes for his excitement over a type of fence. It is probably some sort of sign that his life has gone horribly wrong in a way that he cannot fathom.