We bought a bed/38 goats is hard to pass up

Despite the fact that S has recently proclaimed on several different occasions that she'd like to stay in the guest room, we bought a bed for the master bedroom. Like most people I encounter during the course of the day, she clearly says things like, "We should just stay in this bedroom" to try and irritate me enough to drive me into an early grave, collect the insurance money, and live a happy life in Hawaii with a rich celebrity. Other annoying things like, "Can you answer this call? or Why don't you do your job? or how are you today?" are also offered up during the course of my day in an obvious attempt to drive me insane.

We had gone out to buy a bed previously and discovered that mattress stores are scary. We also met a few obnoxious salesmen in the process.

Sales: "You spend four tenths of your life sleeping? Don't be afraid to buy a quality mattress."
M: Yeah but those hours aren't exactly my most exciting.
Sales: "This bed is going to change your life."
M: Sigh.

Sales: "This mattress has individually wrapped coils."
M: "Like a present?"
Sales: Uh, yeah.
M: I love presents.

We finally went to a shop that seemed to be only minimally strange, and we found a salesmen who managed to not be entirely obnoxious. As such, we finally bought a mattress.

M: Now can we put down a glass of wine and jump around on the bed like in the commercial?
Sales: That's a different bed you're thinking of.
M: Honey, break out the merlot.

M: Does this mattress have a pillow top mattress?
Sales: Why yes.
M: Do any of these have the pillow bottom? I'm actually concerned about the way my box spring has been creaking. I'd like to give it some extra support.
Sales: Of course. We'll do anything to sell you a mattress. Do you want my kidney? I only need one

M: Does this mattress slide well down stairs? My wife and I like to hop on the mattress during the winter and ride it down the stairs like a sled.
Sales: I wouldn't use it for that.
M: Do you want to make a sale or not?
Sales: Great idea.
M: If you can throw in a copy of the claymation Rudolph movie you've got yourself a deal.

M: Would the stuffing in this mattress make good material for a nest? I love birds.

M: Would you sell this mattress to your grandmother?

M: Do you even like your grandmother?

M: What if I wanted to use this mattress to barricade the street and throw stones like in the French Revolution?
Sales: It will work like a charm.
M: Is it bullet proof?
Sales: Do I want to make a sale?

Look at how sleepy that lady is above. I love mattress ads because everyone looks so peaceful in their unitard, just sleeping the day away. I'd love it if the ads were of folks in pain or rather, drooling rather obviously on pillows, perhaps a picture of wife holding a pillow over her ears while her husband snores. Or perhaps a person making a list of things they have to do in the morning with a thought bubble that says, "Did I leave the stove on." I think the mattress buying public would appreciate the change.

Eventually we bought a mattress and soon our house will actually be a home instead of a place where someone appeared to have been storing some furniture for a while. Side Note: I also noticed that every mattress store has these really nefarious adds that claim things like "Seventy five percent off all mattresses" "Buy one get one free on all sizes" "Buy one mattress and we'll throw in a baby for free." I'm not even sure why they put in that last one.

One other thing that made me uncomfortable was how much bargaining you can do when buying a mattress. I just want the price at a set rate. I'm not the best haggler in the world.

Sales: The price is 1400.
M: I'll take it.

Sales: The price is 3800
M: I'll take it.

Sales: I'm going to need your first born
M: Okay, I guess.

Luckily S was prepared to lie about the other mattress estimates and make this poor man start sweating before we got our mattress. I mean, I genuinely felt bad for the guy. S noted that he may have been putting on a show for us, but even if he was, he did such a damn good job that I wanted to reward him by paying more.



Sales: I'll give you thirty five goats for your wife.
M: Thirty eight dammit!
S: No sale!
M: I thought I was learning to barter....