MSN Friday: Ten ways to keep things hot when you're apart

1) Puzzles. Nothing says, hey, we've got something really special goin' on here like doing a puzzle. Your sig. other can quiz you about how you're doing on the puzzle, whether you've found that patch of grass piece that looks like every other patch of grass piece. It will excite them because it shows them that the mystery is still alive, and that you're willing to still do crazy things, like a puzzle.

2) Watch an episode of the Bachelor together while you're on the phone. Analyze the personality of the girls and the cut of their dress. Make sure to only make rude comments about the contestants who are considered "hot" while praising all of the contestants who are considered "nice" and "sweet." This activity will show your sig. other that you don't mind watching trashy television even when you're apart, and the shared activity of dishing will bring you closer together.

3) Turn up the heat to eighty. This simple task will function on two levels. One: the house will definitely be hot, and you'll be so excited for your spouse to come back and turn it back down to a reasonable level that you'll love them even more and appreciate all those other qualities like washing dishes, pulling the plough, and making homemade vodka that you've always loved about them and Eastern Europeans in general.

4) When they call, read them your favorite passages from Moby Dick. It will probably remind them how interesting and smart you are, and how you're always reading from that dam- book despite it's esoteric nature and how you persist in stupid activities like that, and that that's what they love about you. Plus, who doesn't love a good passage of philosophical lyricism? Certainly not the sort of person that you'd be with.

5) Drink a glass of red wine on the couch while carelessly reading a book and talking on the phone. When they hear this they'll remember how dangerous you're still capable of being and love you even more. Also, they'll probably remind you that if that glass falls over the next couple of days that you sure as hell better start running because hell hath no fury like a woman whose couch has been stained by sheer idiocy. But then they'll remember that you can have a huge argument and then follow that up with a passionate washing and hanging up of the diapers while watching an episode of Downton Abbey for the third time.

6) Get out some modeling clay and tell them how much you love the movie Ghost. Then spend the evening sculpting them a mug that they'll probably just use as ash tray because you suck as a sculptor. It's the thought that counts, and this idea didn't take much.

7) Make them a mix tape and then play parts of it while you're on the phone to remind them that you think of them often. However, since they're out of town, and you're the one putting the work into this project put some songs that you like on there as well. No one likes a pushover.

8) It's probably time to go out and buy a fish to remind yourself of your sig. other. It's probably best to buy a fish, because a cat or a dog could be too much of a surprise. However, you can bring the fish home and feed it frequently and name it after your sig. other, and maybe put it's bowl facing the television with you. However, it's best not to tell your sig. other about this as they might get jealous, plus fish are notorious for dying, which wouldn't be much of a memento now would it? In fact, even if the fish lives it's probably best to send out down the toilet and on it's way to the ocean before your sig. other comes back, because fish are kind of lame pets anyway.

9) Call them up and let them know how clean you're keeping the house. Tell them that you scrubbed bathroom tiles, that you went outside and cleaned up that pile of leaves that's been sitting around since last October. Tell them that you took a bunch of old electronics to good will and got rid of them. Then tell them you bought a pony, because you've got a sense of humor too. But now you need to flip that pony and fast. Thank goodness for dog food.

10) After you wave goodbye, drive straight to the airport and camp out for the entire time they're gone like in that Tom Hanks movie, that we were all kind of excited about, because hey, Tom Hanks, but it was the post amazing run Tom Hanks and no one ended up seeing it, and we all kind of went, meh. When your sig. other comes back and realizes that you've lost your job, grown and grown a Brett Keisel style playoff beard they'll remember what a colossal fool you are without them and secretly love you more.