What a spectacular fourteen days! Is the Olympics actually fourteen days? I'm not sure because I didn't catch a single event, but I don't think that disqualifies me from writing an extensive blog post about my favorite events and athletes. Let's dish first:
"Terrible lizard, indeed. You should have been at Gene's last night"
London-Really London? That's the best you could do? We all knew the Chinese were on the verge of passing the United States as the greatest superpower since Tyrannosaurus Rex, (pre-scientific takedown, where now everyone is like, he probably didn't walk upright and used his tiny arms to scrape for grubs in the dirt or whatever and also based on small chipped pottery probably enjoyed tea parties) walked the earth, but it's amazing to see how far the British have fallen. Come on! You used to control the world! Oh well, at least they're still rich.
It's time to talk about the athletes.
Ryan Lochte-He won some medals and stuff, but who really cares if he's the best in the world at something? What we care about is how he looks with his shirt off. Am I right? Comrades? Com...Oh. Anyhow, besides that what we care about is how he says douchey things like the fact that he winks at women and likes them to be fit. And we, as a society, are like, "hey Ryan Lochte, cut it out." Most guys don't like fit girls and have never winked at them. What a jerk. I'd blame him more, but it might be tough to work on your personality when you're being trained to be some kind of robo-athlete. You have to figure he can spend the first part of his life working on his body and winking, and then, after raking in some dough, he can spend the rest of his life reading Chaucer and Euripedes and stuff. I bet by the time he's fifty or so he's the American version of an English country gentleman, which is a guy who goes down to the YMCA to swim some laps and impress the ladies.
Ryan Lochte's mom also deserves special commendation for saying that he only has time for one night stands. Ryan Lochte's mom is a great example of how parents can support their children no matter what they are doing. Everyone gets a trophy, and if you ever run into a problem it's probably somebody else's fault.
"To be fair, if he winked at me, I might wait around and see if he was coming back by as well."
Usain Bolt-Like most people, I love Usain Bolt! I love Usain because he won at a foot race, which is like, the way that you prove yourself in elementary school. It's pretty much how I went from being a quiet and nerdy kid to being a quiet and nerdy kid who could also beat your as- in a sprint. It was a pretty meteoric rise. I jest, but the foot race is definitely where you first learn to compete. I remember the big race in third grade between the fastest kids. What I try to forget is how I finished fourth. I blame the course being too long. I'd have at least won the bronze if it had been a Sprint.
Also, after winning the 100m dash, Usain partied with the Swedish handball team. Like you, I have no idea what handball entails. Nor do I particularly care to find out. The Olympics are strange. I saw some sport that was synchronized air throws or something, with like a person lifting someone up to do poses, and all I kept wondering was how the person underwater wasn't drowning. The point is, I was raised during that era of television where Beer commercials always included references to things like Swedish bikini models. Usain Bolt pretty much one upped it by getting Olympic handball players. Oh, and then he went on to win the 200M as well. He was definitely the most exciting athlete in London. The cheater! No, I only say that because he's not American.
"Remember when you were a little kid and you'd wrap a blanket or a towel around your shoulders and parade around the house claiming it was a cape and that you could possibly fly and maybe you were a naked at the time? That's what it's like to be Usain Bolt all the time."
Michael Phelps-Phelps is no longer interesting because he's retired. Anyone who is younger than me but has managed to retire is kind of a dirt bag. Sure he's the most decorated Olympian ever, but who's to say that you need all those decorations. It's like putting all the Christmas ornaments on. That just looks garish Michael Phelps. Plus, aren't we a nation that wants everyone to learn to share. Is it sharing to win that many medals? No. It sets a bad example for our kids. Also, I'm guessing that he swims one event in the next Olympics because what the hell else is this guy going to do? Is he going to sell cars? Work in an office with spread sheets? Start a business? No. He was made to swim. On second thought maybe he should just go off and live with that underwater mermaids in the company of Daryl Hannah and Tom Hanks. That city looked like it needed more people, and he could then set about winning gold medals against mermen. That's a good goal for Michael Phelps.
"Oh, Daryl Hannah you've got it all. You could save me if I fell in the ocean. You've got long blond hair and you're bat shi- crazy eating that raw food. Childhood Andrew is daydreaming about living forever with you in your underwater city."
Oscar Pistorius-I actually watched a replay of his heat. Besides the 100M dash final, this was the only thing I tuned in for. I wasn't crazy about the fact that he had to go through a bunch of crap to run in the Olympics. People saying he had an advantage what with the being born w/o legs and stuff. What an advantage for a runner. I can see why they troubled him. Also, runners who were jealous of the attention he got. Guess what? Nobody would have cared about your race otherwise? Do you see what you've done to me world? All I wanted was a legitimately happy and feel good story about the Olympics and you've gone and ruined it by being yourself. His story is still awesome.
"Awesome!"
Last and most importantly: we won the medal count! Whatever you thought of America you can just shove it world or liberals who hate America. Because it doesn't matter if you invent sports like tandem cannon balling or women's skeet shooting, we will find a way to beat you! Why? Not because of our athletes training and dedication, or our largely affluent population who can afford the time and money to train. No. We won because we are America. And if you challenged us to a game of bocce ball or Swedish handball we'd find a way to win that too. Now, be gone, we're off to feast. Tonight, we eat gold. In the morning, sickness.
"Eagle=America."
London-Really London? That's the best you could do? We all knew the Chinese were on the verge of passing the United States as the greatest superpower since Tyrannosaurus Rex, (pre-scientific takedown, where now everyone is like, he probably didn't walk upright and used his tiny arms to scrape for grubs in the dirt or whatever and also based on small chipped pottery probably enjoyed tea parties) walked the earth, but it's amazing to see how far the British have fallen. Come on! You used to control the world! Oh well, at least they're still rich.
It's time to talk about the athletes.
Ryan Lochte-He won some medals and stuff, but who really cares if he's the best in the world at something? What we care about is how he looks with his shirt off. Am I right? Comrades? Com...Oh. Anyhow, besides that what we care about is how he says douchey things like the fact that he winks at women and likes them to be fit. And we, as a society, are like, "hey Ryan Lochte, cut it out." Most guys don't like fit girls and have never winked at them. What a jerk. I'd blame him more, but it might be tough to work on your personality when you're being trained to be some kind of robo-athlete. You have to figure he can spend the first part of his life working on his body and winking, and then, after raking in some dough, he can spend the rest of his life reading Chaucer and Euripedes and stuff. I bet by the time he's fifty or so he's the American version of an English country gentleman, which is a guy who goes down to the YMCA to swim some laps and impress the ladies.
Ryan Lochte's mom also deserves special commendation for saying that he only has time for one night stands. Ryan Lochte's mom is a great example of how parents can support their children no matter what they are doing. Everyone gets a trophy, and if you ever run into a problem it's probably somebody else's fault.
Usain Bolt-Like most people, I love Usain Bolt! I love Usain because he won at a foot race, which is like, the way that you prove yourself in elementary school. It's pretty much how I went from being a quiet and nerdy kid to being a quiet and nerdy kid who could also beat your as- in a sprint. It was a pretty meteoric rise. I jest, but the foot race is definitely where you first learn to compete. I remember the big race in third grade between the fastest kids. What I try to forget is how I finished fourth. I blame the course being too long. I'd have at least won the bronze if it had been a Sprint.
Also, after winning the 100m dash, Usain partied with the Swedish handball team. Like you, I have no idea what handball entails. Nor do I particularly care to find out. The Olympics are strange. I saw some sport that was synchronized air throws or something, with like a person lifting someone up to do poses, and all I kept wondering was how the person underwater wasn't drowning. The point is, I was raised during that era of television where Beer commercials always included references to things like Swedish bikini models. Usain Bolt pretty much one upped it by getting Olympic handball players. Oh, and then he went on to win the 200M as well. He was definitely the most exciting athlete in London. The cheater! No, I only say that because he's not American.
Michael Phelps-Phelps is no longer interesting because he's retired. Anyone who is younger than me but has managed to retire is kind of a dirt bag. Sure he's the most decorated Olympian ever, but who's to say that you need all those decorations. It's like putting all the Christmas ornaments on. That just looks garish Michael Phelps. Plus, aren't we a nation that wants everyone to learn to share. Is it sharing to win that many medals? No. It sets a bad example for our kids. Also, I'm guessing that he swims one event in the next Olympics because what the hell else is this guy going to do? Is he going to sell cars? Work in an office with spread sheets? Start a business? No. He was made to swim. On second thought maybe he should just go off and live with that underwater mermaids in the company of Daryl Hannah and Tom Hanks. That city looked like it needed more people, and he could then set about winning gold medals against mermen. That's a good goal for Michael Phelps.
Oscar Pistorius-I actually watched a replay of his heat. Besides the 100M dash final, this was the only thing I tuned in for. I wasn't crazy about the fact that he had to go through a bunch of crap to run in the Olympics. People saying he had an advantage what with the being born w/o legs and stuff. What an advantage for a runner. I can see why they troubled him. Also, runners who were jealous of the attention he got. Guess what? Nobody would have cared about your race otherwise? Do you see what you've done to me world? All I wanted was a legitimately happy and feel good story about the Olympics and you've gone and ruined it by being yourself. His story is still awesome.
"Awesome!"
Last and most importantly: we won the medal count! Whatever you thought of America you can just shove it world or liberals who hate America. Because it doesn't matter if you invent sports like tandem cannon balling or women's skeet shooting, we will find a way to beat you! Why? Not because of our athletes training and dedication, or our largely affluent population who can afford the time and money to train. No. We won because we are America. And if you challenged us to a game of bocce ball or Swedish handball we'd find a way to win that too. Now, be gone, we're off to feast. Tonight, we eat gold. In the morning, sickness.
thank you for an excellent review of the events and the key participants..
ReplyDeletei expect another blog on the way NBC handled
the games and the events
i hope you devote another blog to the netherlands field hockey team..cute girls
in cute outfits
also where is the love for USA mens basketball
which proved that Lebron does care and can lead!