Verizon 500- Me still zero or didn't you just post a blog give my news feed a break

S: Maybe we should switch internet providers before we have another battle with Verizon?

M: Yeah. (This subtly implies that I'll brook no changing of internet provider until the service is non-functional. It's not rational to quit when Verizon is treating you so well, even if you now they'll just go back to their shoddy ways. It's hard to remember that when they're loading web pages quickly and generally providing decent service).

Aside: Why did she say that? It's the sort of thing like in Salem, during the witch trials, you probably didn't go around, especially if you were an older woman who lived with a bunch of cats or pot bellied pigs or whatever they had back then saying things to the local crop of teenage girls like, "Boy, I hope no one calls me a witch. That would sure be awkward. Sink or swim. Am I right? Am I right young ladies? Come in and pet my cat's tail. His name is Oscar, but he only talks to me." (The internet literally just crapped out again during this post. It's warning me that it can't be saved). Take the cats and run lady!

Now this means that I'm going to have to shuffle down two flights of stairs, in the dark, in the middle of the night, on a recently surgically repaired knee, with a doctor's note that says, "No excessive stairs within the first ten days", which, how am I supposed to know what constitutes an excessive amount of stairs. Maybe it's like pornography, you know an excessive amount of stairs when you see it or when your knee collapses and you fall down the stairs like that guy in the movie Misery. If indeed, that happened, as in most scary movies, I closed my eyes for the entire thing.

I'm not in law school, but it's reasonable to ask whether I could send Verizon my hospital bills or whatever. I'm fairly certain their crappy internet service and my fifteen to twenty trips down to the basement each day probably contributed at least in some part to my meniscus tear and plica issues. I'm not thinking of charging them 100 percent, but I think at least a seven percent fee is probably in order. I'd even be willing to go as high as eight.

Anyhow, even now, I'm dreading limping downstairs, in the dark, in my slippery socks, but readers, if I took them off my feet would be cold, to flip the internet. All this with a surgically repaired knee, which I'm dragging around behind me as if a Civil War doctor named MacGruder just took it off below the thigh, and it's really just an arthroscopic surgery, but I'm willing to bet that their Vicodin wasn't the off brand stuff that I'm taking to reign in the pain. Did they have Vicodin in the Civil War. Probably not. Probably just loads and loads of opium.

Verizon has me over a barrel, as I've stated before, not sure why, what does having someone over a barrel mean? Is that an actual saying or did I just make it up? I can't check Wikipedia because I don't have functional internet. I just have to wing it. I kind of imagine this is what it must have felt like for the Wright Brothers to fly only slightly more intense. Let's go with yes. Anyhow, maybe that barrel is full of apples or something, and I can bob for them. When life has you over a barrel just make lemonade or something. The point is, it's a stupid saying.

I'd like to call RCN and have them come out and fix us up with some proper internet, but I'm also scared to leave Verizon. What if Verizon loses weight, gets their crap together and starts delivering high quality internet service right after we leave them. What if Verizon is suddenly going to stop outsourcing all of their call center jobs to people in nineteen different countries. No complaints here, I love good outsourcing, it's just that no one at Verizon ever knows how to connect you with anyone else at Verizon. Jim? Never heard of him. Let me just connect you to our tech support representative...phone dies. Honestly, I think it's just a series of dudes working alone. I don't think they have offices.

This is all in jest. I'm not the sort of guy to give up easily. It's just so hard to keep trying. It's time to flip the switch. This one is for you every person who has ever experienced pretty minor knee pain following a pretty non-invasive surgery. I did it. Sadly, it appears that the internet is just no longer functioning at all. Even if I reset the modem. On the bright side, we pay Verizon for this service. However, you can't always get what you want. Sometimes you go to a restaurant and order food and they bring out an empty plate or like a stray cat or something that you have to adopt, but, as we say when that happens, them's the breaks. We don't actually say that because that never happens, except for that one time with beautiful little Tibs. God rest his little cat soul. Why? Because when you pay someone for a service you expect that service to work! I'm going to open up a gas station that only sometimes fills car, and sometimes just dispenses candy corn. That way either the kids or the adults or happy, and I save a bundle on oil and always get to have candy corn around, which is either delicious, or the sort of thing that would be gross after more than a week or so.

Back downstairs. I'm bringing the computer though. I didn't get an MFA in creative writing for nothing. Mama didn't raise no fool.

10:35 P.M. The internet is thinking about possibly working again. It's had a long day, and no one ever gives breaks to the internet. This is a sad, nay tragic thing about being the internet. And, hallelujah we have service for at least the next eight minutes.

Listen, I hear you, this is not a real problem. Intermittent internet service, worse things are happening in the world. But I'm hear to ask you this provocative question, are they? No, you're probably right, there are. This is not quite up there with Mont Vesuvius erupting and turning a city to ash. It's close mind you but not that...and the Internet is out. But we had a glorious four minute ride didn't we internet? (Pats internet on the head).

10:40 P.M. I've now unplugged the router and plugged it back in. This is roughly equivalent to the sort of in person service that Verizon has offered.

Guy: What I've done sir is unplugged the router from the plug in station and then reapplied the plug after a brief pause. That may or may not fix the problem, but I will need you to be home between the hours of 4 A.M. and 8 P.M. next Monday through the end of February in case we need to stop by to fix your service again.

M; Que?

10:42 Despite my tech abilities, the internet remains down. Come on internet! Get up! You can fight another round. The internet is sleepy. What do you mean limited connectivity? I'm actually sitting inside the router. I've shrunk myself down to a pea size, and I'm actively using my computer inside the machine designed to give me service. How can I have low connectivity? How can a flea sized version of me and my PC not be getting something better than a little yellow exclamation mark that essentially says, "sucks to be you."

10:44 Wait, what if I switch the router on and then off. What is the definition of insanity?

10:45 I'm back. I tried to check the definition of insanity but the internet is still down. I think it's this. And we're back. Handel's Messiah!!!!! Off to post in the four minute window I've got! Wait. should I add a picture. Do I have time to add a picture? Help me internet...

10:51 Verizon, seizing me during a moment's hesitation, decides to drop service before the blog can be posted. Clever Verizon.

10:54 Back online, hopefully long enough to post a blog!