Reworking the classics: fun, cheap date Washington DC date ideas

I wrote this post a year or so ago on an MSN Monday, extolling the virtues of 26 fun and cheap date ideas. However, I'm realizing that I probably missed the boat in not making the dates all Washington, DC specific. I'm an expert on Washington, D.C. So, MSN Mondays, redux: caveat (Let's not make them all cheap. Where is the fun in life you can't throw around a little bit of money?)

1) Go to the wax museum. Halfway through the date, pretend like you're going to the bathroom, sneak away and have a team of people convert you into a wax statue. After fifteen minutes, when she thinks you've just left her, spring to life from the life size wax statue of Ulysses S. Grant that you've been impersonating for the last ten minutes. She'll have a good laugh or kill you or whatever. Everyone had a good time.

2) Go to the cherry blossoms. Don't be an idiot and do it in April. Go the cherry blossoms in October. You're a talented individual, describe for him how beautiful and picturesque it will be on a certain day in April. Explain to him how it would be possible to frame the Jefferson Memorial in just such a way. Tell him to use his imagination. If this doesn't work, get one of those cute paddle boats.

3) The Lincoln Memorial-Take her to the Lincoln Memorial, recite the entire Gettysburg address in a period piece costume. To make it authentic, start growing the beard months in advance of asking the girl out. If it fails, deliver the speech anyway. At the conclusion of the speech execute a jig on your way down the stairs. It's okay to break your leg if it doesn't look like things are going your way.

4) Go to the National Zoo. You're going to see a lot of children at the zoo, which is probably going to ruin your date. It's up to you to save it. Sneak into the Elephant house, will that thing ever be done? amirite? Come out riding on one of the giraffes. Can you ride a giraffe? If you want this date to go well, you'll figure it out.

5) Go to a Washington Nationals game. Spend the whole game reciting statistics from the back of baseball cards, if she complains, tell her that she just doesn't understand the game.Also, the baseball cards should be home made and the stats and lines drawn without the assistance of a ruler.

6) Head down to Georgetown and do some shopping, haggle over a pair of jeans in diesel. Ask whether they were ethically sourced. Ask if the jeans were made in the DC metro area. Insist that you're willing to pay the full price if you can meet the person who did the stitching Ask them for a shot. Practice your old English dance moves in the store. Do that cute thing where the people hold hands and look at each other and then move on to the next partner but continue talking with one another. Due to the lack of partners, use the clothes racks as the in between partners, briefly discuss how you think the date is going with at least two of them.

7) Go the Natural History Museum and meticulously change all of the signs on the rocks to more accurately reflect your perception of world history. Change every billion to a thousand, (in less it's over 6, and every million to one hundred) If you're asked to stop, refer to the first amendment. Bonus points for riding the right whale in the new oceans exhibit. Riding the elephant is passe.

8) Go on a date to Dave and Buster's. Pretend like you don't care who wins and that its' all fun and games. However, make sure you never lose. If you do, act like nothing is wrong but pretty much sabotage the rest of the date. That way you're not pretending to be someone you're not.

9) Take him to the Washington Monument. When you get there, insist that you're not at the Washington monument, that you'd always heard that it was bigger. Go around asking everyone around the monument if they know where the Washington monument is. If they ignore you, get irate. If they point to the monument, say, "no, the big one." You will impress him with your ability to talk to strangers.

10) Drive over to Roosevelt Island and reenact the plot of the short story, "The most Dangerous Game," but with blanks. If he hasn't read the story, explain to him the rules based on the movie with the exact same plot starring Ice Cube. If he doesn't know who Ice Cube is, it's probably best to just end the date and go eat ice cream.

11) Go to the national portrait gallery. Insist during the majority of the date that you could paint stuff that was even better. Bring your easel. Sit down in front of one of the paintings and try to emulate the art. When you're painting, speak quietly, talk about how it's important to not miss any of the details. When you finish, and it's terrible, tell her that you just didn't feel inspired by the light. Alternatively, if the guard chases you out, claim that most geniuses are not appreciated in their time like Van Gough or Einstein.

12) Take him to the botanic gardens during the trains exhibit. Insist that inside the miniature model trains are real people with hopes and dreams. If he laughs, tell him that you never joke. Spend the rest of the date whispering to the people on the model trains as they come by about what a jerk you're out on a date with.

13) Take her to the white house Christmas tree lighting. Bring your own homemade angel. Talk to various employees about the possibility of putting your very own angel at the top of the tree. You should have a picture of her pasted on as the head of the angel, which she will find flattering.

14) Take him to the White House. If he asks why you're not actually touring the white house, give him that spiel about how the tour is terrible now, how you can't even get into the Lincoln bedroom. If he says it would still be cool just to be in the White House, it's probably best to call it a night.

15) Take her to the ice skating rink down on the mall in Mid-June. Put your skates on and spend the next few minutes flailing around on the cement telling her that fun is what you make of it. After you've fallen and are bleeding profusely from your knee see if she's good at First Aid, critique her bandaging skills even as she saves your life.

16) Take him to the National Aquarium. No matter what happens, do not acknowledge that you are not at the good aquarium in Baltimore. Keep telling him how awesome it is to have such a close look at Manta Rays. Point to some crummy exhibit and tell him that you can't believe that sharks never blink. "Isn't that crazy?" Alternatively: wear your wetsuit to the exhibit. When he turns his back for a minute, jump into the exhibit, maybe bring a spear gun or something to spice it up.

17) Take her to the National Arboretum. Spend the whole day finding alternative sentences that allow you to say, "ArBOREtum." Laugh maniacally ever time. Ask attendants which one of the druids set up the pillars in the ArBOREtum. If the worker fails to laugh, explain to them why it's funny emphasize the bore part.

18) Go out in Adams Morgan at one o'clock on a Tuesday. Go to one of those places that turns into a club at night but make sure that they know you're ready to party early. Start pushing tables out of the way while executing one lesson's worth of salsa moves.

19) Take him on a date. Tell him it will be a surprise. Get on the metro at Glenmont and ride it all the way to the end of the line. Keep telling him that the surprise is at the next stop. At the end, when you've done nothing, tell him that life is sometimes like that and that it can't be all rainbows and butterflies for sh0t sake.

20) Invite her to the Air and Space Museum. Dress like a world war 2 fighter pilot and spend the day asking her for quarters, so you can ride in the planes.

21) Take the train from one part of the city to another. Reflect, as you stare out at the strings of lights, on the nature of existence, how insignificant you are even in the minute scheme of things. Think on how strange it is that that the world will always be almost entirely made up of strangers, about who’s lives and disappointments, romances and cheap dreams, hair colors and midnight food runs or phone calls, lovers and spouses, you’ll not know at all. As you walk between the streetlights, thinking in the corridors of darkness about the strangeness of so much absence, keep your eyes open, avoid the silvery rope of smoke lifting from an ashed cigarette. Imagine that you are meeting someone here, just beyond the next light, just around the corner, or the block. Don’t tell them everything at once. Give it time, this untethering of yourself, this binding to them. Start by saying hello. Do not be afraid to begin. We all begin as strangers