Game of Thrones Season 3 Episode 5

If you were wondering what was happening with, Theon, this was not the episode for you. Then again, let's be honest, not even George R.R. Martin seems to care what's happening with Theon. The episode begins, like all great episodes of television with a sword fight. Oh yeah, and one of the swords is on fire because it has blood all over it. It's kind of like my childhood imagination come to life, which is, as I've said before, one of the great pleasures of GOT. Now, once could question Arya's obsession with wanting to see Sandor dead. However, I wanted him to be alive and her death lust is making me like her a bit less. Strangely, after the fight, the bastard blacksmith decides to stay on with the Brotherhood. He gives a speech about wanting to find a home and not serve a master, which is a speech that has been given roughly 500 times in the history of television. Though cliche, what makes it interesting is that his new home is full of men who can apparently be reanimated after dying. I remember reading a passage that said if people didn't like magic, they would be sorely disappointed by the remaining seasons. I'm not disappointed, but I could have used a little bit less of Lord of Light after the Melisandre debacle from season two, but I suppose I'll just have to get used to it.

Is anyone else missing the ice zombies? The very first episode begins with the White Walkers carving some people up and beheading rangers, but now it seems that they've moved on to arranging horse bodies to look like crop circles. It's fair to wonder if they aren't trying to get alien help, or, if they remain gone another episode or two, whether they've gone agrarian. Because it's easier to grow some vegetables than to hew a man with an axe. I think. I've never hewed anyone with an axe.

In lieu of ice zombies we got to see what all the fuss was about with Jon Snow and Gwen from Downton Abbey. She strips down and reminds him how people keep warm in the snow. However, he first lets her know that he actually just wanted to see how many words she could type per minute. This quickly ends when he discovers sex. It's happened to the best of us, my friend. Strangely, Gwen then goes all crazy girlfriend on him saying that she never wants to leave their cave of love and Jon lovingly kisses her, but he's actually saying, shi-, shi-, shi- over and over again and wondering where he left his pants. Also, apparently no OP north of the wall, which, I guess it's just one of those things that savages don't do.

We finally get a scene of Tyrion engaging with Lady Tyrell though it ends disappointingly quickly. I'm picturing some Varus and Littlefinger like dialogue eventually emerging between these two characters.

We get the continually touching saga of Jamie continued as he reveals the exact circumstances of his king slaying act. As it turns out, the king wanted to burn everyone and Jamie was just helping everyone out by putting a sword in his back. And it's entirely believable that Ned Stark wouldn't believe him, that he would refer first to honor. Jamie appears to be this season's Tyrion, the character who begins to shift as more of his traits are revealed. Although, he did still push Bran the oversized child out the window.

The honor of the Stark's, except when it comes to sleeping with random women or taking them as your wife, continues to cause problems as Robb ignores the advice of his small council and beheads one of his banner men, causing him to lose nearly half his army. I mean, I know that beheading is fun, but sometimes you have to keep your head in those situations...I'll stop punning before I get started, but let it be known, I could go on for hours. Now, all Robb needs to do is win back his other banner men, lord (something) who's daughter he promised to marry. If you're like me you're expecting a combination of Big Love and Craster's house of horrors. I think the show would benefit from some of the levity that would come about from Robb having two wives. Who tends the wounds now? Who fees the wolves? Who fails to talk him out of ill-fated beheadings? I'd watch that show.

We get a brief window into the life of Stannis, discovering that he apparently has a daughter, who he's locked up in a cell due to some skin deformity. It's pretty much the plot of Les Mis from that point on, with the little girl singing Castle in the Clouds and Stannis telling her that he locked one of her only friends away in the dungeon, because, hey, putting you in a tower wasn't enough.

The last bit of news from GOT is that the Lannister's are going to be married off in short order, Tyrion to Lord Stark's oldest, and stupidest daughter and the Queen regnent to Loras Tyrell. Neither of them seems particularly pleased about the match their father has arranged, but he's not exactly the type to brook disagreement. I for one am pleased as the Queen regent seems like she wouldn't make any husband happy and Loras isn't exactly interested in making his wife happy, so, a great marriage on both sides. The marriage between Tyrion and Sansa is a bit more troubling since he's already in love, and she's about to be kidnapped by Littlefinger and put in bondage, but love, especially love in GOT, can overcome all obstacles. Now let me get back to beheading someone with this fire sword.