Mock Catalog-The Difference Between being in your early eighties and late eighties

Early Eighties-Go to Bingo night and accidentally yell Bingo when you've only got four in a row. Attempt to garble your letters and number when reading off the winning score to distract from the fact that you don't actually have Bingo. 

Late Eighties-Go to Bingo night and accidentally yell Bingo when you've only got four in a row. Attempt to garble your letters and numbers when reading off the winning score to distract from the fact that you don't actually have Bingo. 

Early Eighties-Come back to your room and spend five minutes looking for your pills. Accuse your family members of having stolen your pills. When they find them in the drawer you were looking in, accuse them of planting them after the fact. 

Late Eighties-Come back to your room and spend eight minutes looking for your pills. Accuse the nurses of having stolen your pills. When they find them in the drawer you were looking in, call them, whether they're male or female, Nurse Wratchet, and accuse them of planting them after the fact. 

Early Eighties-Wear a purple velour suit to the formal dance and try to romance all the ladies.

Late Eighties-Trot out a neon green velour suit to the formal dance and try to romance all the ladies. 

Early Eighties-Read an article about the prevalence of STD's in old folk's homes and shrug it off because you're young. 

Late Eighties-Read an article about the prevalence of STD's in old folk's homes and wonder why you used to be such a whore. Oh yeah, you were young. 

Early Eighties-Take up the game of chess to prove you can still do new things. Challenge your grandson to a game, when he starts winning, make an illegal move with your horse, if he contradicts you, appeal to your age. 

Late Eighties-Having taken up the game of chess in your early eighties you've developed enough grace to let your grandson beat you. 

Early Eighties-Test the patience of your family by telling the same story, waiting a few seconds, and then telling the exact same story. See if anyone calls you on it. 

Late Eighties-Test the patience of the world by telling the same story three times in a row at dinner, changing minor details each team to keep your audience interested. If they interrupt and tell you that you just told them that story point out that this time the fish was a trout instead of a bass. 

Early Eighties-Sit in a rocking chair on your front porch and complain about the state of the world, imply that things were much simpler and better when you were young. 

Late Eighties-Sit in a rocking chair on the front porch of the home and afghan in your lap. Tell everyone who will listen that the state of the world is terrible, imply that things have never been better and that they never will be better because people are full of a myriad of things, good and evil, throughout time. Tell everyone on the porch that you have grown in wisdom. 

Early Eighties-Stand at a cold window and gaze out at the snow, when you catch your reflection in the mirror, be briefly startled by the old person's silhouette in the mirror. It felt like it all happened overnight. You can still remember running through the street in a summer rain, arms outstretched, trying to catch something illusory now, a thing that maybe never was. 

Late Eighties-Sit at the cold window and gaze out at the horizon, the golden rimmed clouds, in the shapes of animals you once knew the names of. Catch the reflection of your mottled hand in the window and wonder how long this sunny day will last. You remember standing in a garden at seventeen, kissing the mouth of a girl for the first time, hard and inexpertly. Or was that someone else? Perhaps you read it in a book. It is time for sleep. 

Here is a picture of a cat: He has dysentery. 

Warning: Explicit Lyrics. Though the first song is lovely and doesn't have any explicit lyrics.