Mock Catalog: 7 Reasons why everything should be in a list

1. When I see something that is not in list form, it tells me two things immediately, 1) I do not have time to read it. 2) It was probably constructed by someone over the age of 25, which means I probably don’t want to read it. 3) I just created a list within a list to show how amazing lists are.

2. Quite frankly, even if someone made a grocery list I’d probably read it. Did they really put bananas at number three? Number three for bananas? I mean, what about when they get kind of mushy and nobody wants to eat them? Is it okay to break off bananas, I always do, but I feel a little guilty. Like, is someone watching who is going to make you pay for the bananas? Is there a preferred number?

3. Sometimes I’ll see something that is not in list form, like a paragraph or something, and I’ll just wonder why such antiquated means of communication existed for such a long time, and why it’s so hard to make paradigm shifts like we’re making right now, and I’ll feel sad for a minute or two, and maybe make a list of songs that make me sad, which makes me feel better.

4. Lists are a way of creating a kind of structure. And though being young is about living an unstructured life, it’s also about identifying the structures like sexism and were clowns ever not scary, like, did a time exist when people weren’t just scared shi-less by them. And list making allows us to both identify structure, and yet, by appropriating the form of the dominant social group, soccer mom making grocery, we are recreating it in a manner that subverts its original intent. I mean really, when is putting makeup on and jumping out at people not scary? Olden days are crazy.

5. Lists are just inherently fun, because you can say things like: 23 ways to enjoy your summer break. And really, who picks 23, what a crazy number. But that’s the crazy thing about lists, you can shoot for the stars with them. Hell, make a list with 100 things on it. Just don’t expect me to read it.

6. Imagine if someone came up to you and said, “It’s really great to be young.” And then someone else came up to you and said, “Here are the ten reasons that it’s great to be young.” Be honest, it sounds like that second guy really has his shi- together. And yeah, maybe he’s underemployed and floating around with some friends before heading up to Portland, Oregon to make his way, but look, he’s got a list. He’s got a plan. It just isn’t your plan. Also, he doesn’t have a car and needs a ride to Portland, and then to and from work once he gets there.

7. It’s a religious thing. Look at the Ten Commandments. God, like us, knew that if you really want people to pay attention to something you do it in list form. But like, as an aside, how long was he gone? How did people wind up worshipping a golden calf? How long did they wait? I mean, I hope they at least let him get out of sight and up the mountain. Awkward. The point is, the list, has, was, is, and always will be the highest form of human communication. Now I’m going to go make a list of the seven things that make lists awful. 

Here is a picture of a dog. This dog has just pooped on your carpet.