Summer Movie Blockbuster Excitement Level!

Iron Man 3-I’d go see this movie if I really wanted to hang out with the person who wanted to see it. Otherwise, I’m fine watching it when it comes available on Netflix. I’m guessing Tony Stark has some moments where he questions himself followed eventually by some cool action scenes and pithy dialogue. The problem with almost any action movie is that I’ve seen it before. There is nothing new under the sun. I might as well just save myself the money and read Ecclesiastes. General excitement level: I’ll go see this movie with you, but you better be charming. 

Great Gatsby-I’m excited. And if you’re not excited then you don’t love F. Scott Fitzgerald, and, by extension, America. Toby Keith and I have something to say about that. I would go see this movie on a weekend if I didn’t have children. However, this is not the sort of movie that I’m paying a babysitter in order to be able to see. I’d go see this movie, but I’d want to get a Margarita afterward. I mean, do we all remember Moulin Rouge and Come What May? This was almost my wedding song. Let’s all just remember how great it was to hear me singing that song off key for portions of my early twenties. I’ll go see Gatsby with you, but you have to pay the babysitter. 

Star Trek Into Darkness-I’ll go see this movie in an excited and happy group of people, probably family. That way, after the movie we can ignore the fact that every J.J. Abrams movie is kind of well executed but doesn’t really have a soul, which is fine, if you’re in to that sort of thing. It’s like a grilled cheese sandwich, it’s good for what it is, but it’s not all that good for you. But those piercing blue eyes are. Sigh.  Anyhow, I’ll be overwhelmed by the groupthink, and the entertainment value, and I’ll leave happy. General excitement level: I’ll go with you in a group, and we should probably be related. 

Fast and Furious ?-I’m looking into getting a second Master’s Degree, so…..This is the point where intellectual snobbery begins to overtake my excitement for the actual product. I’m sure that watching people drive cars really fast and out of airplanes is awesome, but lots of things are awesome, like playing Frisbee in the park or going for a hike, or buying some local meat and grilling. As an aside, I want this series to last forever. Whenever we switch to flying cars, I want fast and furiroriestest 97 to be leading the way into the future. General excitement level: I’ll go see this movie with you if you pay for tickets, the popcorn, and dessert afterward. 

The Hangover-Part 3-Unlike Fast and furiroriester, this is a series that I wouldn’t mind seeing come to an end…two movies ago. Remember how funny Ace Ventura was, and then, by the third one, if they made a third one, which they probably did those money grubbing bas-ards, we’d grown weary of everything in life. We were suffering ennui and it was brought on by this movie. That’s how I feel about seeing The Hangover Part three. General Excitement Level: I’ll go see this movie if you put me in a time machine and turn me into a sixteen year old boy, or if we drink a lot beforehand and narrate mystery science theater style.

After Earth-I wasn’t all that fond of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I don’t know. I spent a large swath of my teens watching sports, and at other times, sports. Or maybe I was watching the Disney afternoon, or maybe I was watching Friends, what I didn’t really watch was the FPOBA. I suppose that’s why I’ve never really understood Will Smith, or Jaden Smith, or any of the Smith’s. Like, what the hell are these people up to that makes us want to throw so much money at them. That said, I’m at least mildly excited about After Earth, because I am excited about nearly any science fiction movie and then I get let down. But wait, Ender’s Game is going to be amazing! Right? Right? General Excitement Level: I’ll go this movie with you if you are my brother, and we happen to be in the same state, and no space ships fly through hell #Eventhorizonnightmarecomingtonight#DavidI'llbesleepinginyourroomtonight

Man of Steel-Finally, a superhero movie. I get it. Superman isn’t as interesting as anyone else because he’s virtually invincible but for Kryptonite. So, while I can imagine myself growing adamantium claws and living indefinitely, I cannot imagine myself being from another planet and showing up to work every day to write ad copy. Am I the only one who hopes that in this rewrite he’s working as a banker on Wall Street? Or maybe he uses his powers for good and works as Big Bird on Sesame Street and suddenly Big Bird is actually flying on set and kids are learning their ABC’s and the whole world becomes an educated and unified whole because Superman stopped fighting evil and did something useful? I hear you. These people need to give me a call. General Excitement Level: I might actually see this movie. I wouldn’t go see it by myself, but I’m actually kind of excited. Oh wait, it’s about Superman? Forget it. I’m going to go check and see if the last season of 30 Rock has been added to Netflix streaming. 

World War Z-Finally, a movie about zombies. Wait. I’m being told that zombie movies have become such a trope that they actually made a romantic comedy about zombies and produced a book called: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. However, I think the cultural zeitgeist is telling me that zombies are going to last. They’re going to be around forever like global warming and people like me just need to suck it up and start watching 28 days later, 28 hours later, 28 seconds later, 28 zombies go to a dinner party in which they discuss Proust etc. and like it. General Excitement Level: I’m willing to see this movie with you if you pay for the ticket, cover my eyes at the scary parts, and narrate the entire movie, pointing out all the flaws and inaccuracies when compared with the book. 

White House Down-Finally, oh, I’m being told that joke has already been used. There is a version of me, somewhere deep down that just wants to go back and watch Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger,  and The Hunt for  Red October, (okay maybe that one in fast forward), and feel good about Harrison Ford’s career arc and America in general. I don’t want to watch White House Down and have modern Andrew say, why are we expropriating this crap, is it to prop up the sort of jingoistic bullshi- that we’ve been involved in for years? Is it to assuage our own national conscience? And what is a nation anyway? Christian or non-believer, either way, nationalism is just a completely arbitrary system, lines on  a map that don’t exist in reality. They are human constructs, and they are pretty much bullshi0. And yet, they exist, and so we must work within them, but please, please don’t tell me that you believe in them? General Excitement Level: If Harrison Ford were starring, through the roof. As is, I’ll be rewatching Patriot Games with the thirteen year old version of myself and patting him on the head. 

The Wolverine-Fin….I’m infinity billion dollars excited about this movie. What’s that you say? The previous Wolverine movies have been kind of terrible? You’re right. But it’s the law of averages. Eventually, they are going to hit it out of the park with this character, and we’re all going to spend the evening wishing we had adamantium claws and a fancy yellow suit to wear around town. They can’t all be terrible? I’m being told they can. Listen, when I was a kid, they ran a cartoon series that involved multiple time travelers, altering history, a character who’s existence was infinite, though he was evil, this was some deep shi-. You’re telling me they can get it right in a cartoon but not in Hollywood? Okay, you’re right. It’s probably going to suck. Let’s go see it together.