Story 1 The strength Estimated relationship to the truth: 30 percent.
It's probably time to talk about hair. I have a friend who once wrote the definitive essay on hair, but I'm writing the not definitive blog post on hair. It is my belief that fiction and "real life" aren't all that different, that we play characters all day. The good worker, the respectful son, the bad-ass driver. We play a cast of characters so vast that on a daily basis I find it disappointing that we are not awarded Oscars for best-supporting actor in the drama of our life, which brings me back to hair.
A long long time ago I had long hair. Pictured above. Now, if you're asking yourself, as you no doubt are, why in the world did Andrew cut off all that beautiful hair? I imagine that you probably did use the word beautiful. Well, the answer isn't as simple as it seems.
When people ask me why I recently gave myself a buzz cut I tell them one of three stories. Typically, I gauge my audience, try to figure out what will be the most pleasing to them before going ahead. The convenient part is that all three of the stories that I tell are the truth, or parts of the truth. There is no complete truth. How very post-modern.
Samson and Delilah
At some point during the book of Judges, a violent book if ever there was one, Samson is accosted by a lion and he rips the lion in half with his bare hands. Later he slays an entire army with only a donkey jawbone, though presumably a large one. Amidst all this slaying, Samson has a father-in-law and wife who are burned to death and rules over the Israelites for twenty years. Of course, that is not the real story of Samson. The story that many of us heard in Sunday school involves a beautiful woman, Delilah, with whom Samson falls in love.
Delilah, cheap harlot that she is, takes a bit of money in order to learn the secret of Samson's strength. Samson, wisely, lies to her about the source of his strength. Which, as we all know, arises from his lustrous hair. Delilah, still with visions of money dancing in her head, finds out Samson's secret and has his hair cut off.
Conclusion to be drawn
I can only assume that Stephanie was engaging in a similar plot. Though, according to me, the power of my long hair lay not in super human strength that would allow me to go on donkey jawbone rampages, but attracting the fairer sex.
The 90's
Every guy that looked like a bad ass in the nineties had some variation of that particular haircut.
The first story goes as follows. My wife wouldn't cut my hair. This story is pretty much true. Once she mentions the possibility of me getting my hair cut I turn into a kid in the grocery store near the candy. I basically can't think of anything else, and I badger her until she cuts my hair roughly four weeks later. During this time I throw no less than three minor fits when I don't get my haircut. Thus, when faced with continuing a martial argument that we've been having for seven years, when the hell are you going to cut my hair? I decided against it and buzzed my hair.
Story Number 2 Estimated Percentage as it relates to the truth 30 percent.
Vanity
Absalom
The story of Absalom takes place in the Bible as well. Absalom is King David's third son and he is described thusly:
But in all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him. And when he polled his head [cut his hair], (for it was at every year's end that he polled it: because the hair was heavy on him, therefore he polled it:) he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels after the king's weight.
I know what your'e thinking, that's a lot of shekels. You're right. The following was purloined from Steve Wells blogger post. I didn't have the strength to do all the research.
And how heavy is 200 shekels? Well one shekel weighed about 11.5 grams. So Absalom's haircut trimmings weighed in at 2.3 kilograms.
How does this compare with normal human hair? Well, an average head hair has a diameter of about 0.01 cm (100 micrometers) and grows 12 cm per year. And an average head has about 100,000 hair follicles on it. If we assume that hair has a density of 1.5 g/cm3 (If anyone knows a better value, please let me know), we can estimate the weight of an average person's yearly hair production.
weight = pi * (.005 cm)2 * 12 cm * 100,000 hairs * 1.5 g/cm3 = 141 g
So an average person produces about 0.14 kilogram of hair annually -- less than 1/16th that of Absalom.
Although, that's a bit of a mislead. The point is that Absalom had some nice looking hair and everyone was pretty much in love with him for it. However, this beautiful hair leads Absalom to revolt against King David. In the ensuing battle Absalom's, admittedly gorgeous hair, gets caught in a tree, and he is left suspended there, still alive, while the rest of his men escape. Shortly thereafter he is stuck with a bunch of spears. Why? Because he was vain about his long ass hair, that's why?
Conclusion to be drawn
The second story that I tell people, sometimes immediately following the first, is that I cut my hair because I can't stand myself when I have long hair. I get so damn vain, I'm like Absalom, trotting around the house with jewels in my long locks, tossing it in the mirror. I just couldn't put up with the idea of me paying so much attention to so much beautiful hair.
Story 3 Takes the last 40 percent and truthfully maybe 50, who the hell knows. Note: Insert heck if offended.
A strange kind of change.
Rapunzel
Rapunzel as told by the Brothers Grimm isn't the happiest little fable in the world. When the witch discovers that Rapunzel has been letting down her golden hair for some local hoodlum the cuts it off, and lures the suitor up the side of the castle to claim his blushing blond. At this point in the Grimm version, she knocks the offending lout off the ramparts and though he isn't killed, he's blinded by some thorns and wanders around the world for a number of years blind and sad. And yes, he eventually finds Rapunzel, but I'm not sure that the happily ever after they are granted is the complete truth.
Moral to be learned.
Don't grow your hair long because a witch might cut it off and use it to blind your lover.
Back to the Bible from the good old King James version
"Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?"
Well, you can't be any clearer than that. You could intuit that Samson's power was really derived from a relationship with God and that Abaslom's vanity extended beyond his luscious hair, but this is pretty clear. Having long hair makes you look like a d-bag. That's the NRAV.
Actual conclusion to be drawn.
I saw a picture of this guy and thought he looked good. And I thought, wait, if he can pull it off, maybe I can. As it turns out Matthew Fox spent some of his early career as a male model. I spent that same period of time wearing braces and singing to "How do you talk to an Angel" alone in my room. So, I'm not certain that my idea actually works as planned.
This is the same reason that you shortened your hair in the first place.
To which you kind of just have to say, oh well, maybe next time. And I end up convincing myself that next time I'll try to get the same hair cut as someone a little less attractive so that I can feel good about myself. I'll go in and get the Screech hair cut, and think, man, I am really pulling this off better than that weirdo. Update: I failed, which is why I'm reposting. I saw this guy with an awesome faux hawk the other day, and was thinking, I can probably pull that off. Luckily, mid cut I realized that I couldn't and came up with something salvageable. Maybe I am learning as time goes by. Maybe I should have just given myself an awesome faux hawk.
Story 4 Percentage relationship to the truth 0.
You really only tell this one to people you play sports with or who only know you casually. You tell these people that it is a summer cut and they nod dutifully.
It's probably time to talk about hair. I have a friend who once wrote the definitive essay on hair, but I'm writing the not definitive blog post on hair. It is my belief that fiction and "real life" aren't all that different, that we play characters all day. The good worker, the respectful son, the bad-ass driver. We play a cast of characters so vast that on a daily basis I find it disappointing that we are not awarded Oscars for best-supporting actor in the drama of our life, which brings me back to hair.
A long long time ago I had long hair. Pictured above. Now, if you're asking yourself, as you no doubt are, why in the world did Andrew cut off all that beautiful hair? I imagine that you probably did use the word beautiful. Well, the answer isn't as simple as it seems.
When people ask me why I recently gave myself a buzz cut I tell them one of three stories. Typically, I gauge my audience, try to figure out what will be the most pleasing to them before going ahead. The convenient part is that all three of the stories that I tell are the truth, or parts of the truth. There is no complete truth. How very post-modern.
Samson and Delilah
At some point during the book of Judges, a violent book if ever there was one, Samson is accosted by a lion and he rips the lion in half with his bare hands. Later he slays an entire army with only a donkey jawbone, though presumably a large one. Amidst all this slaying, Samson has a father-in-law and wife who are burned to death and rules over the Israelites for twenty years. Of course, that is not the real story of Samson. The story that many of us heard in Sunday school involves a beautiful woman, Delilah, with whom Samson falls in love.
Delilah, cheap harlot that she is, takes a bit of money in order to learn the secret of Samson's strength. Samson, wisely, lies to her about the source of his strength. Which, as we all know, arises from his lustrous hair. Delilah, still with visions of money dancing in her head, finds out Samson's secret and has his hair cut off.
Conclusion to be drawn
I can only assume that Stephanie was engaging in a similar plot. Though, according to me, the power of my long hair lay not in super human strength that would allow me to go on donkey jawbone rampages, but attracting the fairer sex.
The 90's
Every guy that looked like a bad ass in the nineties had some variation of that particular haircut.
The first story goes as follows. My wife wouldn't cut my hair. This story is pretty much true. Once she mentions the possibility of me getting my hair cut I turn into a kid in the grocery store near the candy. I basically can't think of anything else, and I badger her until she cuts my hair roughly four weeks later. During this time I throw no less than three minor fits when I don't get my haircut. Thus, when faced with continuing a martial argument that we've been having for seven years, when the hell are you going to cut my hair? I decided against it and buzzed my hair.
Story Number 2 Estimated Percentage as it relates to the truth 30 percent.
Vanity
Absalom
The story of Absalom takes place in the Bible as well. Absalom is King David's third son and he is described thusly:
But in all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him. And when he polled his head [cut his hair], (for it was at every year's end that he polled it: because the hair was heavy on him, therefore he polled it:) he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels after the king's weight.
I know what your'e thinking, that's a lot of shekels. You're right. The following was purloined from Steve Wells blogger post. I didn't have the strength to do all the research.
And how heavy is 200 shekels? Well one shekel weighed about 11.5 grams. So Absalom's haircut trimmings weighed in at 2.3 kilograms.
How does this compare with normal human hair? Well, an average head hair has a diameter of about 0.01 cm (100 micrometers) and grows 12 cm per year. And an average head has about 100,000 hair follicles on it. If we assume that hair has a density of 1.5 g/cm3 (If anyone knows a better value, please let me know), we can estimate the weight of an average person's yearly hair production.
weight = pi * (.005 cm)2 * 12 cm * 100,000 hairs * 1.5 g/cm3 = 141 g
So an average person produces about 0.14 kilogram of hair annually -- less than 1/16th that of Absalom.
Although, that's a bit of a mislead. The point is that Absalom had some nice looking hair and everyone was pretty much in love with him for it. However, this beautiful hair leads Absalom to revolt against King David. In the ensuing battle Absalom's, admittedly gorgeous hair, gets caught in a tree, and he is left suspended there, still alive, while the rest of his men escape. Shortly thereafter he is stuck with a bunch of spears. Why? Because he was vain about his long ass hair, that's why?
Conclusion to be drawn
The second story that I tell people, sometimes immediately following the first, is that I cut my hair because I can't stand myself when I have long hair. I get so damn vain, I'm like Absalom, trotting around the house with jewels in my long locks, tossing it in the mirror. I just couldn't put up with the idea of me paying so much attention to so much beautiful hair.
Story 3 Takes the last 40 percent and truthfully maybe 50, who the hell knows. Note: Insert heck if offended.
A strange kind of change.
Rapunzel
Rapunzel as told by the Brothers Grimm isn't the happiest little fable in the world. When the witch discovers that Rapunzel has been letting down her golden hair for some local hoodlum the cuts it off, and lures the suitor up the side of the castle to claim his blushing blond. At this point in the Grimm version, she knocks the offending lout off the ramparts and though he isn't killed, he's blinded by some thorns and wanders around the world for a number of years blind and sad. And yes, he eventually finds Rapunzel, but I'm not sure that the happily ever after they are granted is the complete truth.
Moral to be learned.
Don't grow your hair long because a witch might cut it off and use it to blind your lover.
Back to the Bible from the good old King James version
"Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair, it is a shame unto him?"
Well, you can't be any clearer than that. You could intuit that Samson's power was really derived from a relationship with God and that Abaslom's vanity extended beyond his luscious hair, but this is pretty clear. Having long hair makes you look like a d-bag. That's the NRAV.
Actual conclusion to be drawn.
I saw a picture of this guy and thought he looked good. And I thought, wait, if he can pull it off, maybe I can. As it turns out Matthew Fox spent some of his early career as a male model. I spent that same period of time wearing braces and singing to "How do you talk to an Angel" alone in my room. So, I'm not certain that my idea actually works as planned.
This is the same reason that you shortened your hair in the first place.
To which you kind of just have to say, oh well, maybe next time. And I end up convincing myself that next time I'll try to get the same hair cut as someone a little less attractive so that I can feel good about myself. I'll go in and get the Screech hair cut, and think, man, I am really pulling this off better than that weirdo. Update: I failed, which is why I'm reposting. I saw this guy with an awesome faux hawk the other day, and was thinking, I can probably pull that off. Luckily, mid cut I realized that I couldn't and came up with something salvageable. Maybe I am learning as time goes by. Maybe I should have just given myself an awesome faux hawk.
Story 4 Percentage relationship to the truth 0.
You really only tell this one to people you play sports with or who only know you casually. You tell these people that it is a summer cut and they nod dutifully.
You look angry in that last one.
ReplyDeleteThat's my thinking face.
ReplyDeletebald is beautiful!!
ReplyDeleteask james carville or terry quinn from LOST!
God is good,
ReplyDeleteGod is fair,
He gave me brains,
He gave you hair..
long live james carville!!!