Today was a day when we were men who had not worked

Oh to write a line as wonderful as Denis Johnson did at the end of that wondrous short story! Oh well. I was not destined for such success. Instead, I was destined for a job sitting in front of a computer for a solid six or so hours a day. Normally this does not provide any major hurdles. It is what it is. However, this morning my computer was affected by some mad crazy identity erasing virus that appeared thusly:



Naturally my virus protector came up and said, "Hey. You there. I've quarantined this nasty virus and if you'll just restart your computer everything will go back to normal. Nothing to see here folks, just move along." And I, stupidly, took the virus protector at its word. And when I attempted to log back into my computer it acted like a girlfriend who has been in some fall and now has amnesia when you walk into the hotel room.
"Linda?" Hey, it's me Paul. Oh my gosh it's so good to see you!"

Her brow furrows. "I'm sorry, Paul..." she says in the sort of way that you know that she's got no earthly clue just who the hell Paul is, and now you're crying on the hospital floor and maybe someone starts playing some violins in the background. That's how my computer treated me. Like that poor SOB Paul.

The next step is to call someone from OIT. After they arrive be sure to play stupid and say something like, "I don't know it just quit working." Hide the fact that it said you had a virus in case you can get this whole thing fixed without ever telling anyone about the whole virus problem. This because everyone knows that their is no possible way to get a computer virus if you were doing only strict work all day.

Of course, after a little while it becomes clear to the OIT guy that you in fact have a computer virus. And you're standing in the room waiting for him to ask the question. Should you try to jump it?

a) Who doesn't enjoy a little bestiality at 10 A.M. Am I right OIT guy. Leviticus anyone?

B) I've got this great video I want to show you. You may want to turn away at the 1:02 mark.

C) Do you think I could have gotten this on that trip I took down to Mexico?

D) I think our new lending system gave me that virus.

E) I've never used this computer during work hours for anything except official business.

F) Isn't trojan horse a funny thing? Have you read Homer? I love his work? Do you like Chaucer OIT guy? I think he's silly.

G) Isn't the world a crazy place. It's amazing to think we can have our whole day come to a stand still because we clicked on a certain screen. What do you think the old timey equivalent was? Like when a horse brained you or something. Pause. What do you think of chain mail as fashion statement?

H) Isn't it strange that this computer picked up this virus at random. I actually think I noticed my co-worker's computer sneezing yesterday. Don't quote me on that.

I) Why do people make computer viruses OIT guy? Did you read that Atlantic article about Conficker? Me too. That shi- is crazy.

J) Do you think if the two of us were on a desert island that we'd kill each other or fall in love first? What? Oh. You find it easier to focus without the interruptions. Both I'd say.

K) If I had to do life over again...I wouldn't? Do you like jokes?

L) What do you think about the whole slave/master relationship we've got going with technology? Troublesome? Worrisome? Mildly interesting to talk about for six seconds.

I decide that the best course of action is to hover awkwardly until he asks. "Were you on any "different" web sites. What does he mean by different? Anyhow, I confess to him that I haven't been on any web sites that I haven't been on before. I'm very careful with my phrasing in case of a later jury trial. Which, my answer is true, but I also don't admit to checking anything except strictly work related things.

But now I'm standing there feeling like some sort of liar. I know I wasn't on any sketchy web sites but OIT guy probably doesn't believe me, and he has this computer virus deleting my profile and suggesting that I'm probably lying. This is an uncomfortable situation to be in. It's probably best lightened with a bit of vodka, but the American job has gotten way too boring for that.

a) Offer him a drink.

B) Make a joke about Dancing with the Stars.

C) Accuse him of downloading a virus onto my computer.

D) Mention that during work approved lunch breaks you occasionally check hotmail.

In this case B wins out, and it's also actually the correct answer as I bet on it every week. The down side of this whole scenario is that I couldn't get any work done, and I felt guilty for something I both had and had not done. I do not frequent sketchy sites but in an employer's eyes, perhaps anything that is not an Excel spreadsheet or a lending system is sketchy. It's tough to be guilty, but not as guilty as you look.

This blog didn't quite have the literary feel of the last one, so I'm going to go with something a little more upbeat.