A public service announcement

The internet is for ranting. This is for anyone who shops at the grocery store. People who walk are accepted from this public service announcement because they are good and environmentally sound folks who need to talk down to the rest of us. Now who wants to go drink some oil!! Sorry, I got a bit off track there.

Anyhow, I don't really give a damn if you have sixteen items in the 15 or fewer lane or if you forgot your canvas bags. I'm an easy going guy. The one thing you can't do, and I mean this people, I'm about to start doing some internet shouting, you cannot, I repeat cannot, take for-damn ever when pulling out of your spot in a big city. Why? Because you've got a line of about fifty cars behind you who are at the end of their work day as well, really the people in the cars more than the cars themselves, who are pretty damn eager to get the car parked and pick up some cheap soup so they can head home to watch banal television shows until they fall asleep and push the rewind button.

Ergo; I don't care if you can't find your lip gloss or coin purse or third child, when you approach your car with a handful of groceries it is your job to pull out of the spot in under thirty seconds. I don't know how many times I've watched somebody put their foot on the break and then sit there for another thirty seconds doing lord only knows what while I wait for them to actually back up and hold up a group of about seven cards behind me who are probably plotting how to kill me, in this case I do mean the cars rather than the people.

Things I don't care about.

1) If you are checking your cell phone. You have plenty of time to do this while you are handing the nice man your ticket, or driving slowly through the parking lot. Laws are made to be broken, check those voice mails on the road.

2) Texting. Texting is, other than on rare occasions, a debased way of communicating information with each other. STFT and get the heck out of my spot!!!!

3) You can't find your sunglasses. Like my old high school teacher Mr. Needles used to always say, "A lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." I don't remember anything else any of my teacher's have ever said. The point is, get yourself organized or learn how to drive with a bit of sun in your eyes you bastard!

4) Anything related to putting all of your wallet and crap in order. You can do all that crap on your time before you go inside your house to your loving family. Don't waste my precious time.

5) Anything else besides the few exceptions listed below.

Things that are okay

1) Strapping a baby into the car seat. This is acceptable for obvious reasons. I may even smile at you and nod knowingly about the rigors of putting kids in a car seat. Also, hurry it up, so I can get some bok choi.

2) Having an octogenarian as a passenger. Let's be honest, I'm not sure what this word means, but it can't be good. I don't expect people to help hustle people who can break a hip into the car for my convenience. Unless that person is in relatively good shape in which case I'll be fuming while someone in the store picks up the last on sale Odwalla.

3) You are a student driver and it is your first trip out in D.C. Although, you've got to learn somehow, so back the f- up and let's get this show on the road.

And look, I'm not saying that my time is more important than the person who is pulling out of the spot at a glacial pace. I just want an equal respect thing. When I'm at the grocery store you can bet your as- that when I get in my car I high tale it out of there. Why? Because I want to respect other people's time.

In conclusion, the whole purpose of this post is to accelerate the speed at which you exit your parking spot in the grocery store. Take a stop watch, time yourself, if you feel like you're going too slow, you probably are. Try tossing the groceries haphazardly in the back seat. Imagine that your husband or wife will still love you without lip gloss. Assume that the person behind you is actually on fire and the parking spot is the only nearby body of water.

Alternatives to the problem:

1) Walk. This is the way most of us should get shi- done if your country wasn't so stupid in terms of transit oriented development.

2) Public Transit. "Public Transit, it's not just for poor people anymore!" I pushed this slogan for a while but WAMATA turned me down, partially because the ending was, "Okay, it still kind of is."

3) Hover board-Somehow we'd invented these in the mid 80's, I think we've all, regrettably, seen Back to the Future 2, how is it that they haven't reached the market? I blame our liberal, read communist loving, president.

4) Take a queue from our eastern brothers and develop some patience and calm. Spend that time in your car calmly meditating on the beauty of that sliver of sky available to you beneath the parking garage's roof and wall. The main problem with this method is that getting angry and contemplating honking is way more fun.

5) Build shops that are underwater. These would completely preclude parking spaces, and, like Georgetown, we wouldn't allow any public transit to come to our watery kingdom/store because even mermaids don't like poor people.

6) Develop a sense of humor about nearly everything and apply it liberally.