Some things that I'll probably always have questions about

M: (Noting that in Jon Hamm's ((Don Draper)) appearance in 30 Rock that he has long hair) How come Jon Hamm can have that haircut, but I can't?

S: Well, he is Really handsome.

M: I hope you understand how I could interpret that comment as hurtful.

We spent a good portion of our Saturday waterproofing our fence. Like most Americans I grew up with those famous Thompson's water sealer commercials that made you afraid to use an inferior product for fear of a gate that won't shut in the future.



Yeah, that's right, if you're somewhere between the ages of 22 and 56 you've been brainwashed into believing that Thompson's is the only way to seal a deck.

Store Clerk: I've got this deck sealant right here that's about forty bucks.

M: Is it Thompson's?

Clerk: No.

M: Then get it the hell out of my face!

We spent about a solid hour at the hardware store following this bemused store clerk around and asking him random questions about door handles, deck sealants and sprayers.

M: Do I look good in these work goggles?

Clerk: Uh.

S: Please tell him yes.

M: Thanks. I like to look good out in the yard.




As it turns out the store clerk was lying to me; Goggles make me look like a jackass.
One of the worst things about being an adult is that you always have something you're supposed to do. If I could switch places with my baby I would. Think of all the years of irresponsibililty that she has to look forward too!

M: Would these look better with a utility belt of some kind?

Clerk: (Turns to S) You're going to want to use this apoxy.

M: A pox on both your houses. Mercutio anyone?

S: So I just need to blend the two.

M: Not if Hotspur has anything to say about it.

Clerk: (Moving away)

Anyhow, after we finished bedeviling him with our charm and lack of knowledge about deck sealant I put on a feet of strength by carrying the five gallon can to the car without complaint.

M: I have a torn labrum.

M: Could this weight anymore.

M: I want you to remember this the next time you tell me I don't to do anything.

M: If I had known this was how life was going to turn out I'd have just stayed in limbo or dead or whatever.

S: Is it that heavy?

M: Not so much for my biceps, but it weighs pretty heavy on the soul.

M: Also the biceps.

After arriving home I quickly assembled the sprayer and began pouring the sealant in. Okay, S quickly put together the sprayer while I haphazardly poured the five gallon sealant onto the porch steps because I was in too much of a hurry to realize I could pull out a spout and apparently thought that the best method would be to just slosh that crap in there. When that job was finally done I commenced spraying the fence in an aggressive manner and watching the sealant coat the ground at the bottom of the fence.

S: Did you put down the tarp?

M: I just figured I'd waterproof the ground around the fence to make it safer.

A couple of hours later we'd completed a good portion of the project and were feeling pretty good about our ability. However, we realized that we hadn't shaken the sprayer around in a while and that the sealant was too thick. As S read me the directions I deftly turned the sprayer upside down and accidentally depressed the sprayer, managing to coat S's ungoggled face in water sealant. (Thank god we bought the off brand. I'm pretty sure Thompson's would have killed her).

M: You should probably go wash up.

S: You just sprayed a pregnant lady in the face with toxic chemicals.

M: I'm just trying to get you to stop crying.

S: What?

M: Is it too soon to joke about this?

After a solid four and a half hours we finally stopped trying to put crappy off brand Olympia or whatever on our fence and went inside. And you know what I learned? That it sucks to use water sealant on your fence because it appears that you've done nothing after four hours of work; the only thing that brings me joy is to watch those old Thompson's commercial and know that we'd done a good thing.



Okay, I'll grant you that that particular commercial had nothing to do with sealing a fence. However, it made a great impact in my life as a youngster, falling somewhere above the television show Alf, why did he eat cats?, and below the theme song from Gummy Bears.




I guess what I'm really getting at here is, don't grow up. That kid should have lied about the baseball because now he's headed for a life of sealing fences, buying strollers, worrying about mortgages, 403 B's and how the Nikkei is doing on reports out of Australia that criminals are no longer buying Toyotas. (Sigh).