How I can make the next century the greatest American century

I posted an article from The Atlantic earlier that talked about the essential silliness of claiming that the next century will be an American one. Let it be said, I only intended that article in regards to Obama and Romney. Neither of whom are ready to take America to the stratospheric and God intended heights that it was intended to scale and rule over with all the strangeness of Greek gods of old.

Romney, Bain, need I say more? You can't ship a bunch of jobs overseas and claim to be the progenitor of another amazing American century. You can't pass Obama care, (that's right, I'll refuse to call it health care and let the media dictate the terms in which I speak. I'll now be referring to the Roosevelt deal as opposed to the New Deal, and if you don't as well you're probably not an American) and claim to be bringing American values into the next century. As we all know the early American founders, or deities as I call them, would never have approved of a system where everyone got health care. I mean, these guys didn't want that for the poor. Why? Because all poor and people who aren't white males are pretty much lazy and need to pull themselves up by their boot straps like the founding fathers did. Do you think they got those wigs for free? No. They busted as- for those things at least as far as the history on the go that I'm exporting like an American exports democracy to the Middle East...poorly.
3) Romney is a Mormon. I don't know how you feel about that, but I've read in nearly every major east coast rag that people are uncomfortable with this. Have you ever been to Salt Lake City? It's creepy. Where are all the bars and general state of decay that should be a part of every city? I think it's fair to say that the city should be dirtier and that a city that is that clean must be hiding something evil like the Stay Puft marshmallow man in its depths.

Obama

First off, he's a Kenyan communist, which means that he's actually trying to bring American down from the inside. A lot of people would refute this claim, but they're all liberal folks who also desire the downfall of America. I don't know what else needs to be said, however, he hasn't started any wars. How do you keep American domination without starting a bunch of wars extremely far away from our home front? How do you expect people to respect you if you're not arming military juntas and then later installing them as dictators who will hate you. What's the point of being in America if you don't have your hand in every jar of honey possible, like Winnie the Pooh on crack?

Secondarily, he's always talking about helping the middle class. Like most people I'm entirely suffering under the illusion that I'm not in the middle class and that my hard earned tax dollars aren't going to things like roads, governments, etc. but that they are going straight into the greedy mouths of people who hate freedom. Why don't you talk about the rich people, like me. Graduate of a creative writing program working at an academic library. What's in this paltry middle class that you speak of for me? I paid my dues and got a largely useless degree at a couple of liberal arts schools. I was born to rule. Help inspire me! Down with democracy!

Me

See, that's the sort of hard assed, not based in fact rhetoric that I'm willing to bring into the next century. I'll start a war with Australia, bunch of criminals anyway, just to show that I'm serious. I'll make English the mandatory language for anyone living in North or South America. I mean, it's called America for a reason. I'm willing to disregard all of our past historical atrocities and gloss it over as a grand old time being had by all. I won't let things like morals or reality get in the way of a good narrative.

I'm simultaneously willing to move us forward while hearkening back to some imagined good old days that never existed. I'm willing to do things like drill indiscriminately, and harpoon a bunch of whales if that's what it takes to keep us ahead. I'll make being an environmentalist illegal, and I'll outlaw any new standards for motor vehicles mileage. Because, the first step to downfall is admitting you have a problem. I'll make some kind of huge drill that will allow us to drill into the center of the earth and extract its gaia strength to power an army of robots. If you're not with me, you're a communist fascist! Rhetoric 101. I'll see you at the polls.