Olympic Games!

It's opening night! I've kept Sadie awake, so she can enjoy the majesty that is the opening of the games. Except that I don't have cable, and I'll probably be watching an episode of Friday Night Lights. This is probably a good thing, because I watched the last Olympic games as if they were heroin. Oh, is there a 50 meter backstroke heat at six in the morning, Yes sir! I'll watch that in a second. Oh, is the heptathalon starting, do I know what the heptaphalon is, or how to spell it? Did I, prior to watching the intro think that it was actually an STD? Maybe, but now I'm really vested in who wins.

Are people rowing somewhere? How is our crew team looking this year? Is white water river rafting on? I can't miss it. Those guys are real athletes. Is rhythmic gymnastics on? Are girls twirling sparklers and jumping through them in a fashion deemed rhythmic? Yeah, I'll watch that. Are two dudes cycling around the velodrome? What the hell is the Velodrome? I'll watch that. Why do these dudes always wait until the last lap to go? Like, can't you just be faster than the other guy? When we were kids and we raced there was very little drafting. We were such amateurs. We should have been drafting.

Anyhow, so I quit the Olympics this year. Besides, I heard from Romney that the Brits were going to screw the whole thing up anyway. I mean, look at how they did running the country that we're all rooting for? Pretty terrible. That's why we threw all the tea into China or whatever happened a hundred years ago when the North seceded. The point is, no country that drives on the wrong side of the road has any business running the Olympics.

Besides which, now that all my facebook friends are a bunch of dirty liberals I spend the whole day reading about how terrible America is, and how we should help all these other countries and not just give them cheap cell phones, and I have to feel bad about my nationalistic zeal, about rooting for the ole USA in every event (excluding things like Usain Bolt running or Roger Federer in tennis where my rooting is like that of  a small child who changes teams at halftime depending on who is ahead, which is to say, it's fun to root for greatness). This holds true in the greatness category, but one of the most fantastic moments of my high school  years, (a lot of Dark Wizard was played, no judging) was watching Keri Strugg land on one leg and throw up her arms and jump straight into my warm and emotional teenage heart.

Anyhow, this year I won't be cheering with ritualistic zeal for American athletes and feeling guilty about it. I won't be manically changing channels to watch people do skeet shooting at one A.M. I'm going to miss the Olympics this year. Be sure to tell me what happens. And remember, USA, USA!!!!!