Wait, MSN. You're telling me in this day and age of algorithms and Buzzfeed that you think anyone needs a list of family movies. Netflix knows how to recommend family movies that star women over the age of thirty, but under the age of 35 who are from rural settings. Can you beat that? Me too.
1. The Lion King-This is a retelling of Hamlet, which is what your family should be doing anyway. My family would often spend the evening sitting down to do a dramatic reading of Hamlet. Alas, Poor Yorick, I knew him well. Man they were amazing times, but I digress. The Lion King is fun for the kids because they get to ask their parents questions about death after the movie, and the parents just get to look awkward and then break into song, which smooths over any situation. I end most marital arguments with a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. And adults get to see if the dust in the sky spells sex. Hint: it does. Why? Because Disney knows what makes the world go round.
2. Nightmare on Elm Street
I'm using this one from personal experience. I accidentally saw it at a friends house when I was like five or something, and I'm pretty sure it's the reason I slept with the light on until I was 12 and wet the bed until I was nine or something. The point is, kids can be difficult. This is the sort of movie you can put on about a nightmare monster slaying children that will leave the parents feeling good about getting back at their children. However, stick around for the end of the movie because eventually the kids win. Guess what? You've empowered them now. Nice work.
3. Frozen
I haven't seen frozen, but I'm pretty sure the rest of the world has. Most Disney movies are about a pretty girl landing a happy prince to make things all better. People keep telling me that this movie doesn't have that message and then they break into song. Who doesn't love breaking into song? Then you can all sing Let it go and that snowman song and maybe make a cute video of the whole family doing it and post it to YouTube. What's wrong with marrying a prince though? He's handsome and he's got money and power. I mean, if all that's left is a meh personality I think you're coming out ahead in the deal Disney princess.
4. Turner and Hooch
The kids are going to love this movie because it has a dog in it. Kids love dogs. And the dog makes all sorts of huge messes and creates problems, but he's lovable, which the kids can relate to. Parents are going to enjoy the movie because it has Tom Hanks in it and everyone loves Tom Hanks. Also, after mucking everything up the whole movie the dog finally gets what's coming to him.
5. Snow White
The kids are going to be delighted by those adorable little dwarves singing about going off to work like good little industrial capitalists. Children love industrial capitalism. Parents are going to love it because it has a short run time and you can go back to binge watching Breaking Bad, Mad Men and Game of Thrones. To bed with you kids.
6. Citizen Kane
There is a reason this is always the #1 ranked movie by AFI. No one has seen it. You and your family can be the first. I'm guessing that everyone will enjoy it, otherwise, why would it be ranked number one? I think it's about William Randolph Hearst and a sled and gettin rich. It's the original rap song if I understand movie criticism correctly. Kids love to go sledding and adults love gettin rich.
7. The Incredibles
It's a great movie that kids will appreciate because kids are in the movie, which will remind them of them. Also, it has superheroes, which they love. And it has a ton of jokes that will just go right over their sweet little heads to fall in your lap. Stupid kids not getting jokes.
8. War and Peace (The book on tape)
Enough with movies already people. Movies don't build empathy, fiction does. Let's have the family gather round the old computer and listen to the 87 hours of someone on Librivox reading War and Peace to your whole family. It's like watching a movie where you provide all the scenery. Plus, as a rule, kids love the Napoleonic Wars. And, as a rule, parents love people who are young and in love.
9. Babes in Toyland
I don't remember much about this movie, but it did have Keanu Reeves in it. And if you look at the title it pretty much indicates that children will be betwixt toys, which sounds like something they'd like. The adults will like it because it will remind them of how awesome Keanu Reeves was in Point Break, and they'll spend the rest of the evening trying to find an illegal download of Point Break, which will totally be worth it.
10. 101 Dalmatians
I love this movie. You love this movie. Have you read the full length book with the dogs sending out messages about the puppies? Have you? No? Go read that book dammit.
11. The Fox and the Hound
Don't you even. This movie about friendship is beautiful because it doesn't last forever. Sometimes one of you is a Fox and one of you is a Hound. Sometimes one of you moves away to Missouri and says you'll stay pen pals but then meets some new awesome people and never writes me back thank you very much. But no. I forgive you. I already had my heart broken by the Fox and the Hound.
12. The Sword and the Stone
Nah. I'm kidding. This movie is terrible. Oh look the little boy pulled that sword out of the stone and talked to a talking owl. That's not what the Arthurian legend is about and that's not what kids want. They want to watch a tale of betrayal adultery, incest etc. like the rest of us. Don't you dare water it down...that owl is kind of adorable.
13. The Sixth Sense
The kids are going to love it because it has a child as the lead and everyone is taking him super seriously. Kids like to be taken seriously by adults. Adults are going to love it because they'll know the surprise that's coming at the end of the movie, and they can watch that moment of shock on their kid's faces right before we get to the closing credits: that's right kids as crazy good as this movie was M Knight Shyamalan hasn't made anything good since. Man. Just imagine how shocked they'll be.
14. Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Kids are going to love it because they'll get to see Looney Tunes, which I think have been banned now because they were mostly about hurting people or shooting them, and I bet we had some latent sexism and racism in there, or as I like to call it, the entire Disney catalogue, amirite? Anyhow, the tunes are great, and as for adults-Jessica Rabbit--. I get that she's a toon guys, but honestly, do you think I'd have a shot with her? I hope so. My childhood self hopes so. Sigh.
15. The Naked Gun
"Surely, you can't be serious?" "Of course I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley." Comedic gold that transcends racial, gender, social,economic and age gaps. A full body condom? Love it. The kids won't even know what's happening.
1. The Lion King-This is a retelling of Hamlet, which is what your family should be doing anyway. My family would often spend the evening sitting down to do a dramatic reading of Hamlet. Alas, Poor Yorick, I knew him well. Man they were amazing times, but I digress. The Lion King is fun for the kids because they get to ask their parents questions about death after the movie, and the parents just get to look awkward and then break into song, which smooths over any situation. I end most marital arguments with a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. And adults get to see if the dust in the sky spells sex. Hint: it does. Why? Because Disney knows what makes the world go round.
2. Nightmare on Elm Street
I'm using this one from personal experience. I accidentally saw it at a friends house when I was like five or something, and I'm pretty sure it's the reason I slept with the light on until I was 12 and wet the bed until I was nine or something. The point is, kids can be difficult. This is the sort of movie you can put on about a nightmare monster slaying children that will leave the parents feeling good about getting back at their children. However, stick around for the end of the movie because eventually the kids win. Guess what? You've empowered them now. Nice work.
3. Frozen
I haven't seen frozen, but I'm pretty sure the rest of the world has. Most Disney movies are about a pretty girl landing a happy prince to make things all better. People keep telling me that this movie doesn't have that message and then they break into song. Who doesn't love breaking into song? Then you can all sing Let it go and that snowman song and maybe make a cute video of the whole family doing it and post it to YouTube. What's wrong with marrying a prince though? He's handsome and he's got money and power. I mean, if all that's left is a meh personality I think you're coming out ahead in the deal Disney princess.
4. Turner and Hooch
The kids are going to love this movie because it has a dog in it. Kids love dogs. And the dog makes all sorts of huge messes and creates problems, but he's lovable, which the kids can relate to. Parents are going to enjoy the movie because it has Tom Hanks in it and everyone loves Tom Hanks. Also, after mucking everything up the whole movie the dog finally gets what's coming to him.
5. Snow White
The kids are going to be delighted by those adorable little dwarves singing about going off to work like good little industrial capitalists. Children love industrial capitalism. Parents are going to love it because it has a short run time and you can go back to binge watching Breaking Bad, Mad Men and Game of Thrones. To bed with you kids.
6. Citizen Kane
There is a reason this is always the #1 ranked movie by AFI. No one has seen it. You and your family can be the first. I'm guessing that everyone will enjoy it, otherwise, why would it be ranked number one? I think it's about William Randolph Hearst and a sled and gettin rich. It's the original rap song if I understand movie criticism correctly. Kids love to go sledding and adults love gettin rich.
7. The Incredibles
It's a great movie that kids will appreciate because kids are in the movie, which will remind them of them. Also, it has superheroes, which they love. And it has a ton of jokes that will just go right over their sweet little heads to fall in your lap. Stupid kids not getting jokes.
8. War and Peace (The book on tape)
Enough with movies already people. Movies don't build empathy, fiction does. Let's have the family gather round the old computer and listen to the 87 hours of someone on Librivox reading War and Peace to your whole family. It's like watching a movie where you provide all the scenery. Plus, as a rule, kids love the Napoleonic Wars. And, as a rule, parents love people who are young and in love.
9. Babes in Toyland
I don't remember much about this movie, but it did have Keanu Reeves in it. And if you look at the title it pretty much indicates that children will be betwixt toys, which sounds like something they'd like. The adults will like it because it will remind them of how awesome Keanu Reeves was in Point Break, and they'll spend the rest of the evening trying to find an illegal download of Point Break, which will totally be worth it.
10. 101 Dalmatians
I love this movie. You love this movie. Have you read the full length book with the dogs sending out messages about the puppies? Have you? No? Go read that book dammit.
11. The Fox and the Hound
Don't you even. This movie about friendship is beautiful because it doesn't last forever. Sometimes one of you is a Fox and one of you is a Hound. Sometimes one of you moves away to Missouri and says you'll stay pen pals but then meets some new awesome people and never writes me back thank you very much. But no. I forgive you. I already had my heart broken by the Fox and the Hound.
12. The Sword and the Stone
Nah. I'm kidding. This movie is terrible. Oh look the little boy pulled that sword out of the stone and talked to a talking owl. That's not what the Arthurian legend is about and that's not what kids want. They want to watch a tale of betrayal adultery, incest etc. like the rest of us. Don't you dare water it down...that owl is kind of adorable.
13. The Sixth Sense
The kids are going to love it because it has a child as the lead and everyone is taking him super seriously. Kids like to be taken seriously by adults. Adults are going to love it because they'll know the surprise that's coming at the end of the movie, and they can watch that moment of shock on their kid's faces right before we get to the closing credits: that's right kids as crazy good as this movie was M Knight Shyamalan hasn't made anything good since. Man. Just imagine how shocked they'll be.
14. Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Kids are going to love it because they'll get to see Looney Tunes, which I think have been banned now because they were mostly about hurting people or shooting them, and I bet we had some latent sexism and racism in there, or as I like to call it, the entire Disney catalogue, amirite? Anyhow, the tunes are great, and as for adults-Jessica Rabbit--. I get that she's a toon guys, but honestly, do you think I'd have a shot with her? I hope so. My childhood self hopes so. Sigh.
15. The Naked Gun
"Surely, you can't be serious?" "Of course I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley." Comedic gold that transcends racial, gender, social,economic and age gaps. A full body condom? Love it. The kids won't even know what's happening.
thank you for brightening up my day!!
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