I've been in eleven weddings. This means that I'm rarely the one complaining about how the wedding is going. I'm at the head table, or near it, eating first, two to three glasses of wine into the evening by the time you're discovering that the seating chart has placed you next to the groom's third cousin, who is a cat. That said, I've been at enough weddings to know every complaint that could ever be uttered. In no particular order.
1) There isn't an open bar. In fact, no one ever has an open bar at their wedding because open bars cost roughly 100,000 dollars for one evening in which you discover that everyone you invited to your wedding is a drunkard and the only upshot of the open bar is that you wind up with a few guests getting belligerent or weird, which isn't really what you want on your special day. This complaint can be disregarded. Just buy enough cheap bottles of wine to keep the guests mumbling to a minimum.
2) The seating chart is off. Here is the only thing you need to know about making a seating chart, put people who know and at least to the best of your knowledge like each other near each other. Do not create a table of people who you think might really hit it off. No one wants to hit it off at a wedding. They want to be sitting next to their friends remembering all the good times they used to have, not wondering why they are making small talk about a trip they once took to Ohio.
3) The wedding venue is too hot, cold, sandy. Get married inside where God can see you, you heathen. It's never too hot or too cold in a church, except when it occasionally is. But normally heat and AC make it a palatable place for your nuptials to take place. If you want to get married outside move to Oregon with the rest of the hippies and stop inviting us to your wedding. No beach weddings. I effing hate sand and so does everyone else. I'll be finding it in my car's floor mat for weeks. (I've been to a lot of outdoor weddings, and I've loved all of them. Each of your weddings was the exception to the above listed rule. Apply this rule to every complain that I have about a wedding and remember that it didn't apply to yours, which I loved).
4) Destination weddings. No one cares about this day as much as you. Don't make your friends fly to Prague to see you get hitched only for them to end up face down in a gutter by the end of the week because they wanted to make the most out of the trip. Get married in the most convenient location for the most people or wherever the girl is from of wherever you're closest to as a couple now. If you invite me to Venice, I'll go, but I won't be happy. But seriously, go ahead and invite me.
5) They just don't see it. That's fine. They can take their bad attitudes about the woman that you're committing yourself to and move it along as opposed to drinking up all your Charles Shaw and spending the night complaining about you or the love of your life, or year, or decade or whatever.
6) They don't understand why you wrote your own vows when God already got it right when he wrote The Book of Common Prayer. Listen, mostly I'm with them. You better knock these vows out of the park because you've chosen to be on the big stage, so don't mess it up. If it isn't pithy and doesn't make me tear up or laugh then forget it.
7) Some of the toasts were a bit too risque. This is not a problem. The only way a toast can be ruined is by excessive sentimentality. A toast is a time to make everyone laugh a bit, prod some gentle fun at the bride and groom before winding up with something slightly sentimental that leaves everyone thinking that you really get it. Toasts are easy.
8) The music is terrible. Please, don't play terrible music. If you get a DJ, go ahead and let that DJ do his thing and mix in some up beat tunes. Wedding music is usually pretty great because everyone knows the songs and it's one of those rare times when different generations are actually dancing together and you get to see how awesome your uncle's quick step is. Don't mess that up by playing too many instrumentals or slow song after slow song.
9) The ice sculpture that you painstakingly carved for nights on end of your beloved looks more like a mixture of Mr. Tumnus and a sea gull than a real person. Have these people ever tried to work with pure ice? I'd guess not. Even ending up with something that doesn't look like an oversized ice cub is an accomplishment. I'd like to see them try and make an ice sculpture.
10) Their ex is at the wedding. Why did you invite them? Well, you invited them because you liked them both a great deal and don't think that because they broke up that you can't invite them both. Hell, you barely see them and all they're asking is that the two of you get together for one evening and behave civilly, or get back together and regret it in the morning or whatever floats your boat. Have you had a glass of wine yet?
11) The orca whales didn't stay for the entire reception. What? Is this ancient Rome? Are you not entertained? Wasn't it enough that they came at all? If you had to do it over again would you have one of them fight a Siberian tiger on a man made lagoon during the reception? Sure. But hindsight is twenty twenty. Stop whining.
12) There isn't dancing. Why even get married? What's the point? It's a big dance party with free booze and everyone is the star. Don't you take that moment away from them. Don't you dare.
13) It takes like two hours to get to the food at the reception. You've paid your caterer enough to figure out when to excuse tables. Don't leave older folks who wish they already asleep waiting around to get a bite of salad at five o'clock and certainly don't leave your younger friends without some solid food to wash down all that liquor or there will be hell to pay. Also, you've paid them enough to treat those people like Gordon Ramsey on crack. Get into them or there will be hell to pay. Everyone eats, and they eat quickly.
14) You're taking your pictures after the wedding. This can be fine or awful. As long as your photographer is being paid what they deserve and understands that people are waiting. By all means, shoot away. However, if it is a 1.5 hour destination shoot, let's remember grandpa and grandma and take a few family pictures ahead of time if we don't want to see the bride.
15) The impersonator that you paid to actually get married on your behalf turns out to be a bit of a lech. This has happened to all of us. You get cold feet at the last second and wind up paying someone else to make a commitment for the rest of your natural life that you just can't get into right now because you're in Vegas at the craps table. But then that guy turns out to be kind of lecherous. Super awkward, and totally avoidable. Do your research ahead of time.
16) The Nicoise salad has old Tuna on it. If there were a ranking, messing up on the nicoise salad would probably be complaint number one of your average wedding guest. Don't mess this up at your wedding.
17) You had spare decorations and in an effort to save money wound up using spare Bachelorette party items instead of traditional decorations. Your aunt and uncle aren't going to think it's as hilarious to be drinking out of phallic straws. Just pay the extra for the nice flowers.
18) You forgot to invite them to your wedding. Yeah, yeah, so you grew up together, but you stopped being friends like two years ago. And deep down you suspected that they never really liked your or that you never really liked them, and also, have you seen the price for an open bar? Anyway, it was a numbers thing. Call me sometime. We'll catch up on Facebook.
19) You jumped out of the wedding cake in the nude and performed a rendition of Boyz II Men's I'll Make Love to You, which apparently some people found tasteless. Well I'll tell you what's tasteless, that suit coat with four buttons, amirite? Deep down, they enjoyed the show, and it's your day dammit.
20) We’ve Queen Victoria to thank for the tradition of the bride wearing white. We’re also to thank her for the presence of bridesmaids to carry the train. And, it becomes quickly apparent why the woman had an entire era of western literature named in her honor. She’s commandeered at least two major elements of the most momentous day in people’s lives, or at least the day with the most riding on it.
Samuel Johnson said of his friend Thomas Carlyle, “It was a blessing that he and his wife Jane married one another: thereby making only two people unhappy, rather than four.”
1) There isn't an open bar. In fact, no one ever has an open bar at their wedding because open bars cost roughly 100,000 dollars for one evening in which you discover that everyone you invited to your wedding is a drunkard and the only upshot of the open bar is that you wind up with a few guests getting belligerent or weird, which isn't really what you want on your special day. This complaint can be disregarded. Just buy enough cheap bottles of wine to keep the guests mumbling to a minimum.
2) The seating chart is off. Here is the only thing you need to know about making a seating chart, put people who know and at least to the best of your knowledge like each other near each other. Do not create a table of people who you think might really hit it off. No one wants to hit it off at a wedding. They want to be sitting next to their friends remembering all the good times they used to have, not wondering why they are making small talk about a trip they once took to Ohio.
3) The wedding venue is too hot, cold, sandy. Get married inside where God can see you, you heathen. It's never too hot or too cold in a church, except when it occasionally is. But normally heat and AC make it a palatable place for your nuptials to take place. If you want to get married outside move to Oregon with the rest of the hippies and stop inviting us to your wedding. No beach weddings. I effing hate sand and so does everyone else. I'll be finding it in my car's floor mat for weeks. (I've been to a lot of outdoor weddings, and I've loved all of them. Each of your weddings was the exception to the above listed rule. Apply this rule to every complain that I have about a wedding and remember that it didn't apply to yours, which I loved).
4) Destination weddings. No one cares about this day as much as you. Don't make your friends fly to Prague to see you get hitched only for them to end up face down in a gutter by the end of the week because they wanted to make the most out of the trip. Get married in the most convenient location for the most people or wherever the girl is from of wherever you're closest to as a couple now. If you invite me to Venice, I'll go, but I won't be happy. But seriously, go ahead and invite me.
5) They just don't see it. That's fine. They can take their bad attitudes about the woman that you're committing yourself to and move it along as opposed to drinking up all your Charles Shaw and spending the night complaining about you or the love of your life, or year, or decade or whatever.
6) They don't understand why you wrote your own vows when God already got it right when he wrote The Book of Common Prayer. Listen, mostly I'm with them. You better knock these vows out of the park because you've chosen to be on the big stage, so don't mess it up. If it isn't pithy and doesn't make me tear up or laugh then forget it.
7) Some of the toasts were a bit too risque. This is not a problem. The only way a toast can be ruined is by excessive sentimentality. A toast is a time to make everyone laugh a bit, prod some gentle fun at the bride and groom before winding up with something slightly sentimental that leaves everyone thinking that you really get it. Toasts are easy.
8) The music is terrible. Please, don't play terrible music. If you get a DJ, go ahead and let that DJ do his thing and mix in some up beat tunes. Wedding music is usually pretty great because everyone knows the songs and it's one of those rare times when different generations are actually dancing together and you get to see how awesome your uncle's quick step is. Don't mess that up by playing too many instrumentals or slow song after slow song.
9) The ice sculpture that you painstakingly carved for nights on end of your beloved looks more like a mixture of Mr. Tumnus and a sea gull than a real person. Have these people ever tried to work with pure ice? I'd guess not. Even ending up with something that doesn't look like an oversized ice cub is an accomplishment. I'd like to see them try and make an ice sculpture.
10) Their ex is at the wedding. Why did you invite them? Well, you invited them because you liked them both a great deal and don't think that because they broke up that you can't invite them both. Hell, you barely see them and all they're asking is that the two of you get together for one evening and behave civilly, or get back together and regret it in the morning or whatever floats your boat. Have you had a glass of wine yet?
11) The orca whales didn't stay for the entire reception. What? Is this ancient Rome? Are you not entertained? Wasn't it enough that they came at all? If you had to do it over again would you have one of them fight a Siberian tiger on a man made lagoon during the reception? Sure. But hindsight is twenty twenty. Stop whining.
12) There isn't dancing. Why even get married? What's the point? It's a big dance party with free booze and everyone is the star. Don't you take that moment away from them. Don't you dare.
13) It takes like two hours to get to the food at the reception. You've paid your caterer enough to figure out when to excuse tables. Don't leave older folks who wish they already asleep waiting around to get a bite of salad at five o'clock and certainly don't leave your younger friends without some solid food to wash down all that liquor or there will be hell to pay. Also, you've paid them enough to treat those people like Gordon Ramsey on crack. Get into them or there will be hell to pay. Everyone eats, and they eat quickly.
14) You're taking your pictures after the wedding. This can be fine or awful. As long as your photographer is being paid what they deserve and understands that people are waiting. By all means, shoot away. However, if it is a 1.5 hour destination shoot, let's remember grandpa and grandma and take a few family pictures ahead of time if we don't want to see the bride.
15) The impersonator that you paid to actually get married on your behalf turns out to be a bit of a lech. This has happened to all of us. You get cold feet at the last second and wind up paying someone else to make a commitment for the rest of your natural life that you just can't get into right now because you're in Vegas at the craps table. But then that guy turns out to be kind of lecherous. Super awkward, and totally avoidable. Do your research ahead of time.
16) The Nicoise salad has old Tuna on it. If there were a ranking, messing up on the nicoise salad would probably be complaint number one of your average wedding guest. Don't mess this up at your wedding.
17) You had spare decorations and in an effort to save money wound up using spare Bachelorette party items instead of traditional decorations. Your aunt and uncle aren't going to think it's as hilarious to be drinking out of phallic straws. Just pay the extra for the nice flowers.
18) You forgot to invite them to your wedding. Yeah, yeah, so you grew up together, but you stopped being friends like two years ago. And deep down you suspected that they never really liked your or that you never really liked them, and also, have you seen the price for an open bar? Anyway, it was a numbers thing. Call me sometime. We'll catch up on Facebook.
19) You jumped out of the wedding cake in the nude and performed a rendition of Boyz II Men's I'll Make Love to You, which apparently some people found tasteless. Well I'll tell you what's tasteless, that suit coat with four buttons, amirite? Deep down, they enjoyed the show, and it's your day dammit.
20) We’ve Queen Victoria to thank for the tradition of the bride wearing white. We’re also to thank her for the presence of bridesmaids to carry the train. And, it becomes quickly apparent why the woman had an entire era of western literature named in her honor. She’s commandeered at least two major elements of the most momentous day in people’s lives, or at least the day with the most riding on it.
Samuel Johnson said of his friend Thomas Carlyle, “It was a blessing that he and his wife Jane married one another: thereby making only two people unhappy, rather than four.”
My wife wore a semi-cathedral
length train. I can only discern that from the pictures. The memories of my wedding
day are scattered, like the page of a magazine swept by the wind. And yet, it seems to me that the tradition of carrying the
wedding train into the church was a false step, an apt metaphor lost.Marriage is a mixture of the sacred and the profane. The
train, dragged along the floor, gathering bits of grime on its route is
symbolic of what’s to come.
Here is my ideal wedding: I’d like to see an argument over
whether divorced parents are sitting far enough away. I’d like to see the bride
and groom argue over how much they’re paying the band followed by a
conversation about contributions to a 403b. I’d like to see a first dance where
the groom breakdances and the bride waltzes around him in perfect timing. In
short, I’d like to see people begin that damned honorable and difficult pastime
of being married for all of us to see. And let the train’s dirty hem be the
first sign.
Perhaps the day is better described in this way: It was like boarding a train in the middle of
the night, finding oneself a comfortable seat straight away and leaning against
the cool window, falling into a deep slumber.
And then slithering through the night, passing through cities with names
you don’t know, passing by the darkened windows of cathedrals from another era
and arriving at the end of the line, awakened by a shake on the shoulder,
quickly wiping the drool from the window, hoping that only you were privy to
the indignity of existence before stepping out into the caesious morning light,
trying to make sense of this new city, with gables on all the doorways, and serpentine
streets with peculiar names, and all the women walking quickly in large straw
hats. Here I am, you say, and begin walking across the cobbles.
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