Fixing a door with your spouse: Ten hour day

My favorite thing about working then hours isn't the working ten hours. I know. For a lot of people that would be enough. They'd just be pretty excited about getting to put in that much time at work. I've always wondered why most work weeks are only 40 hours, confession, I only work 35, when we could make it like fifty or sixty or something. I think I speak for everyone when I say that work was created by the good Lord to make us have meaning and 401K's. Anyhow, the fact that I get to work ten hours isn't the only reason I'm excited.

The main reason I'm excited, what kind of a segue was that? Can you reasonably even start a new paragraph at this point in time? is that when I arrived home our back door wouldn't shut. You can store what I know about fixing things in a teacup, so set to work.

Wait, I forgot about the other awesome part. If you live 4.5 miles away from work and you've just finished working ten hours, what would you do? Would you take a bus? With poor people. Ewwwww. Would you take the metro? No, I'm not rich. I can't afford the metro. No, you'd say to yourself, I'm going to walk my tired ass home. Of course, after a mile or so you'll start looking for places to sit down because you are old and walking without stretching for an extended period of time, both, hurts. And sure, Rock Creek Parkway doesn't have sidewalks, but at least you got to see a deer and a fox hurdling across the median and sprinting off into the distance. The whole experience was almost as majestic as the whir of the cars passing by a few feet to your left. Aw, nature. So glorious!

Anyhow,

step 1: Complain at your wife for asking you to do anything after your ten hour day. It doesn't matter how bad anyone in the world has it, you probably have it worse, you've just worked a long ass day. Let no one forget this. Remind her as she makes baby food. Remind her as she washes the dishes. Regale her with stories of your day. Do not under any circumstances make an attempt to fix the door. It might fix itself.

Step 2: Get up and try to fix the door. Always use brute force. You can't underthink this problem. Just start pushing and shoving in random sequences to try and make the thing shut. Do not consider the problem. That is for sissies. Real men fix problems by slamming their shoulder into them. Later, when you're done failing, remind your wife that you worked ten hours.

Step 3: Walk around to the other side of the door. Kick it if necessary. Examine all portions of the door looking for other parts of it that could use a good kick.

Step 4: On her advice, actually consider looking at what's going wrong. Remind her that you worked ten hours. Ask her why she broke the door. Disregard her saying that she just opened the door. Say that it looks an awful lot like breaking the door to you. Remind her that you have the knees of a much older man.

Step 5: Shove the door again to see if it will work. Suggest that you pull the door off its hinges and rehang it. When she suggests that it isn't a good idea. Remind her that a heliocentric universe once seemed like a bad idea. When she sighs, suggest that if you hadn't worked ten hours you'd do it yourself.

Step 6: When it becomes clear that no one is rehanging the door go online. Google has the answers to everything. Read about using a piece of wood to sort of pry the thing up. Also read about applying petroleum jelly. Avoid jokes. Go get a hammer. This feels like good work. Take hammer, grab a small peg that will barely do the job and start hammering. During this process keep examining the lock to see if it has moved at all. At some point your wife will note that you're hitting the thing the wrong way. Switch to her way. Remind her that people who have worked ten hours aren't always sharp. Hammer away.

Step 7: Suggest that your wife apply some petroleum jelly again. Show disdain for her suggesting that it won't work. Note that it is going to make this amazing. Examine the door at random. Note that nothing is changing. Break a peg. Take your wife's advice and get a paint stirrer instead. Obviously made of sturdy stuff. This is going to fix things. Break the paint stirrer while accomplishing virtually nothing.

Step 8: Mention that you'll probably just have to live with the open door. Start by saying that if someone is trying your door every night you're probably going to be robbed anyway. Listen to your wife who suggests that you shove the door, this is your heart's desire anyhow, while she pulls up or something. Fail. Try again. This works. Credit the jelly. Insist that it's your idea making, and this after ten hours of work, that really solved the problem. Suggest that you buy a new door and storm door. Say things like, "I ain't stopping you." When she says, "I've done a lot of house things, can you take care of it?" Mention that you are too tired, and that you've just worked ten hours.

Here is a picture of a door.