MSN Mondays: 3 weird clues a guy is into you

I'm pretty much just going to turn my blog into a dating advice column since I'm fairly certain it would quadruple my traffic in about two weeks time. I can't really blame people for that because our core relationships are almost undoubtedly, jobs, kids, gambling, coin collecting aside, the most important thing in our lives. Anyhow, MSN didn't really give me the sort of great fare that I've grown accustomed to. Complaints aside, it's my job each Monday to blog for MSN, so blog I will. Okay, it's not technically my job, but it probably should be.

1) I know this is going to sound crazy ladies, (I learned from watching the second season of the Bachelor and about a million seasons since that it's cool to call women ladies. I apply this principle liberally when dispensing advice, but when a guy is....screw it, I'm not capitulating.

Instead: Seven Ways to deal with a mean manager

1) Whopee(sp?) cushion. So yeah, maybe your manager comes in and starts behaving in a general douchey manner like usual giving you the what for, which I assume is bad, then bam! whoopee cushion! All of the sudden your manger, who was previously kind of an ass, is probably going to be laughing his/her ass off because nothing says "Hey, I understand that this is a professional environment where we'll all trying to achieve our utmost for the corporations highest, but it's okay to have a laugh or two on the side," like a whoopee cushion. Your mean manger will probably promote you after the incident and shake his/her head every time they walk by your cube and say something like, "Whoopee cushion guy/gal. Good one."

2) Throw them a surprise birthday party on a random day. It's important that you order a clown for this occasion because clowns are even scarier than mean bosses. Next time your manger is thinking about coming down on you so hard they'll remember that you threw them a party on a day that wasn't even their birthday. Note: No matter how many times they protest that it is not actually their birthday, just be sure to disregard them and encourage them to play another round of pin the tail on the donkey. Insist on face painting. Do the painting yourself. Do a really poor job. Commence crying and letting face paint run. Find some hay bales. Sit on them. Apply the clown liberally as failing a good time your manager will at least remember that you aren't afraid to pay crazy people to come by the office and loom.

3) Impress them. Create a random e-mail generator on your computer that complains about office related problems. Send it to their blackberry on the hour every hour, including Saturdays with messages like, "Hey, just in on another Saturday working on those files. Also I'm wearing pleated pants." Pleated pants are very impressive to corporate types. Use this random e-mail generator to make them feel bad that you never leave the office. Bring in a tent but insist that you're not sleeping in it, spray it with bear urine and start setting traps around the copy machines and in the break room. Spend part of every morning skinning a rabbit. Ask your mean manger where the most dangerous game is. Leave the book on his/her desk. Ask them if they want to come boating with you for the weekend. Smile.

4) Buy them a kitty. Every person just needs their cold heart warmed by a fuzzy kitty. Failing that, buy them ten more fuzzy kitties. Drop them off at his/her house in the middle of the night for seven nights running. Develop an intense training pattern for the kitties. Nit your mean manger pillows with kitty's on them. Then, when the coast is clear, begin taking the kittens back one by one. Soon enough your mean manager will probably get all weepy and have to take some leave, which solves your problem. Also, sell the cats.

5) Ask them to go out to lunch with you, then sit in your car waiting for them to come out and meet you, drive up on the grass and give them a solid brush on the leg with the passenger side door. This will remind the mean manager that when you're mean someone might just drive up on the grass and hit you with a car. You should probably store some beers in the trunk for this occasion in case him/her realizes what a funny prank you've pulled and just wants to sit back for a minute or two.

6) Develop an internally inconsistent language and start using it around the office. Ask your mean manger all sorts of questions in your invented dialect. Request new hiring forms indicating that you're from Atlantis. Spend at least three hours of every day chanting to yourself and claim that your religious rights are being infringed upon if he/she asks you to work.

7) Photoshop yourself into your mean manger's family pictures. Display them prominently in your office. Insist that you were on the trip to Vail, but that you kept quiet. This will help your mean manger realize what a quality sort of fellow/gal that you are. After all, your mean manger wouldn't just take any measly employee on a family vacation. Barring this start sleeping on a mattress outside of the mean manager's home. Play only Bob Marley songs for three days straight until they submit and come downstairs to talk about loving people and also maybe drugs.