MSN Mondays

I am entirely compelled by the structure of my contract with MSN to present these scenarios each week. Anyhow, disappointingly, I might add, but won't, this week's collection is 25 ways to get quick energy boosts. Really, twenty five MSN? A bit much. I think the general populous would probably settle for three and then they can get back to tweeting and facebooking and looking at tagged pictures of people they forgot they were friends with on facebook. Come on!

25 Ways to get a quick energy boost

1) Call your mom. Tell her to tape record her voice telling you to get up in the morning from when you were fourteen. Play this tape when the afternoon doldrums start to hit. You'll no doubt find that your mother's voice still has the effect of helping to perk you up, and also make you want to never hear her speak again.



2) Gin. It tastes like pine trees. Everyone talks about recharging the batteries in nature. Guess what? You can't visit the nice pine forest while you're at work. But you can visit the local liquor store and bring a little piece of the mountains with you to work. As for drinking at work, they do it in Europe, and we used to do it in this country. It's fine. We're weird about booze. Weird enough to prevent you from having that energy boost you need.

3) Fax things. Who the hell faxes anymore? Crazy libraries at my job. Just getting up to get to the machine and being vaguely confused....does this need a cover page? Do I put them face up or face down? will really help get you through the afternoon.



4) Drink a five hour energy. Why? I don't know, maybe because it's aptly named?

That energy drink has legs, which makes me trust him more.


5) Ride a rollercoaster. Note: You should probably get a job at one of the Disneys to make this really work.

6) Bring a horse into the office. Every thirty minutes take out your riding whip, mount it, and ride it around the office while yelling "and down the stretch they come." A pony would also work.

Ponies are real pretty.


7) Bring shampoo and soap to work. Take a shower every afternoon in your cube by pouring a few glasses of nice cool water over your head and lathering the soap in. I think you'll find that you'll have a hard time staying awake after a nice refreshing cup shower.

8) Coffee or some other drug. That's right coffee drinkers, drug. I'm judging you right now.

This horse doesn't like drugs either now does he? Does he? Ah, he'll probably win the race.



9) Ever day play a different character from The Office. Always go into character at 2:00 and refuse to leave character until at least three people have guessed who you're imitating. Never tell anyone the rules of the game.

10) Nerf basketball hoop. Dam that's a good idea.

11) Strike up conversations with people you don't know. Ask them about themselves and feign interest. Then, right before you leave, hand them a crumpled up piece of paper and ask them to hold onto it for you until you get back. Come back three minutes later from your office to reclaim the paper.

12) Watch an episode, or at least the theme song of Gummi Bears and Ducktales. Insist on talking with your co-workers about the hidden messages that can be heard if it's done backwards.

dddddanger lurks behind you. Rewrite history? What about the space time cont....

13) Ride a dog to work and repeat the scenario above with the pony/horse. Make sure to invite a shadier group of people to this event. Also, include a mechanical rabbit to complete the whole scenario.

This picture renewed my faith in humanity/ the power of this crazy series of tubes.



14) Ask your co-workers what their favorite color is then behave like that color for the rest of day. Incorporate interpretive dance, poorly.

15) Create lists of things for people to do and walk around distributing them to people in the office regardless of job/pay grade. Wish them happy holidays regardless of season.

16) Drink pure cane sugar.

17) Try running up the stairs faster than your co-worker can take the elevator.

18) Relatedly, set up an Olympic event for each day of the week. Hurdle chairs and time each other. Complain that the Kenyans win everything. Feel shame.

He made that couch his, well, he did. He said it not me.

19) Fight Club. Also with a couch.

Humanity one
Couch zero.

20) Eat a Luna Bar. Insist that it's okay for dudes.

21) Train an army of cats to come in and serenade you with bits of an opera. Sit them down afterward and talk about the ways in which they failed. Mean it.

The Internet is for pictures of cats.

22) So many things MSN!!!!!

23) Learn bits of a new language. Speak it between the hours of 2-3 irregardless, because it's more fun than regardless, of who is around.

24) Do a set of push ups on the ground. Ask various co-workers to sit on your back while you do them and other people to time you. Make wild claims about doing 100, but as soon as the first person sits on you collapse to the floor screaming something about workers comp.

25) Try gentle stretching or asking someone out on a date who you know will say no. Fly a kite. Cook a rib-eye steak to perfection on a hibachi grill that you've replaced your computer with.

My favorite thing about this photo is how natural it looks. Just three dudes enjoying the game.