Flights

When leaving for a flight it's generally best to wake at 3 A.M. You'll feel better about yourself because you're up ahead of most of the rest of the world. I mean, yeah, you'll feel like someone kicked some sand in your ear and it ended up in your brain and then beat you for a few hours with palm fronds, but it's worth it. This is especially fun if you have a one-year old, who, will probably react as though the world has ended, which, in fairness, it has.

It is always best to be at odds with your spouse at the beginning of a flight. This is important because flights are stressful enough as it is, but this added dimension makes it a bit more fun. Me against the world has gotten a lot of people to a lot of glory. Napoleon, Caesar, Carrot Top, to name at least three people who did it alone and did it with style before crash landing when they finally reached the top. Anyhow, remember, if you've woken up at 3 A.M. the world does have it in for you, and it's best not to reward it by being a sissy about it. Rage against the dying of the light.

In the airport make sure that you stress over everything your child does. Insist that the carpet is too dirty to walk on, grab yourself roughly 1,000 paper towels from the bathroom and place them in your area of the terminal asking people to please not step on them. Place your baby in a bubble and then start handing out pencils to fellow passengers in a frantic manner asking them to please make holes quickly so she can breathe. If they act shocked, ask them if they've ever been parents. If they say no shake your head knowingly. If the say yes, offer to have them adopt your child.

Other ways to pass the time:

Teach your child to participate in a fight with a mechanized teddy bear. Encourage fellow passengers to bet on the fight. Act upset when people question your parenting. Insist that your parents raised you to fight real bears, and that it turned you into the man you are. Make sure the kid takes a dive in round two, so you can cash out.

Bring a boombox to the airport and blare Christmas music in the airport. Try to hit the high notes in heaven and nature sing. Ask people if you're getting it just right. Ask them to join in on the second verse. If they do, ask them to quit singing immediately and claim they're off key. Sing off key.

Stay up the entire evening before, not sweeping the floors, but making giant paper maiche cut outs of your family. Act offended when you're told that you can't carry them on. Stage an argument with them in the airport in a foreign language. Use ventriloquism to make it look authentic.

Dress your child in an entire NHL goalie outfit. If anyone says that it's cute tell them that she's trying out for the Rangers. Stage long phone calls with her agent and the Rangers GM. Curse vehemently. Later, wad up paper towels and fire them at your child, asking them to make a better stick save. If they cry, ask them if they want your love or not. If people seem disturbed, ask them if they've ever had children. Refer above.

Attempt to carry your Christmas Tree through the airport. Mention that you're worried that it will get too dry what with you being gone and all. Offer to cut it up into four different pieces in order to carry it on as two separate items. Attempt to bribe the guards with shiny ornaments.

While you're waiting make numerous jokes about how much you can get for a healthy one year old. Later, furtively ask people around you what they think the going rate really is. Then, lean away and touch your finger to the bridge of your nose and offer to meet them in the bathroom in fifteen minutes.

Dress your child up like a mummy and insist that it's the daughter of Tutenkaman, don't even come remotely close to spelling it correctly. Put a sign of the name on her chest. Later, unwrap your child and claim that you have discovered the elixir to eternal life. Attempt to sell jars of Tang to fellow passengers claiming it as authentic fountain of youth water.

Attempt to bring a bear on the flight. Dress him up in a full suit with tails. Have him riding a bike while balancing a ball on his nose. Ask the attendants who the civilized one is. When he poops, act surprised and say, "He's never done that before."