Some of the world's biggest problems

1)

You know that point in time when you're in a room, usually work, and you're walking towards a person that you know, but not that well, and you have to decide whether to smile. Well, the library has vast amounts of space on certain floors and one of my co-workers made eye contact with me from across the room, and we both smiled. But then we had like another fifteen yards to go before we actually crossed paths, and like, do we keep maniacally smiling the whole time? At what point do we break eye contact, half-way, immediately, and when do we go back to making eye contact and smiling? Or do we at all? Needless to say by the time we actually crossed paths I gave a half-hearted smile, and I'm not sure my co-worker even gave that. Anyhow, the point is, the world is full of a lot of real problems like war, and famine, but it's also full of equally large problems like this one.

2)

Sometimes in the winter when you're wearing a sweater, this is mostly for men, and you've made into the office and are sitting down, and that's when you realize that they are playing a game of heat out with you. Note that this game is more fun when played during college with your friends or more familiar acquaintances. Anyhow, you realize immediately that your'e going to lose the game of heat out and shed the sweater. However, if your hair isn't short, and it probably isn't because it's cold in winter, you can't just pull the sweater off because it will ruin your stylish hair. So now you're left having to choose between looking foolish by sweating profusely at your desk job and having people wander by to ask if you're feeling all right or taking off your sweater and being left with the tousled hair look of a seven year old version of yourself that was a lot cuter because you were seven. This is a real problem. I've got no good answers. This is a real problem.

3)

That's tasteful.


Why does Christmas, and I use it intentionally, S told me that her work changed a particular party from Holiday party to winter party to avoid offending people who presumably enjoy showing up to work over the Holidays and checking spreadsheets and who would therefore be offended to take a holiday. Winter indeed. Anyhow, Christmas has like ten songs and Mariah Carey has sung all of them well enough that we've got the season covered. However, for some reason, S added an extra Christmas station to Pandora. Why? Because apparently my Christmas station occasionally plays songs that aren't Christmas related. Of course, I only do that to avoid going insane from the nineteenth version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas in a two hour time block.

Note: Sadly, I'm not aided by R and B Christmas renditions, which tend to make me feel as though I'm sidling up to Christmas with a glass of hot cocoa and some naughty intentions, which, no Christmas, I don't move that quickly. I mean, I already downloaded Ne-Yo makes love to the Holiday season but that's it for me.

Anyhow, the real point here is that X-mas needs more songs, not more of the same stuff. I challenge anyone who reads this blog: all twelve of you, to write a new song this Christmas and maybe set it to music and sing it to your family and then send it to me on Youtube, and maybe we can get Mariah to do a rendition and then we'll all be happier next winter season. I'll go first.

"Uh, something about cold fingers on a window pane,"
"Types of birds that might still be around,"
"Being cold and white are overrated"
"But you know what's not icy cold and overrated"
"You"

And chorus.

Moving on.

4)
Why doesn't S like this song? This is one of the biggest problems in the world. If you've married or are dating a woman from south of the imaginary Mason Dixon line in your head she probably doesn't like this song either because of the lack of banjos and tambourines. And, even if she's branched out, she's probably only onto listening to women playing pianos and stuff, which I love, but come on women from south of the imaginary Mason Dixon line, let's get with it. The song has a line about Johnny Cash. What are we going to do about this problem? What? What!!! Let's listen to this song and look up at our starless city sky and reflect on the lack of banjos and how that's okay.



5) Tom's of Maine Fennel Toothpaste

Why would they make this monstrosity? It tastes like black licquorish. Who the hell wants to brush their teeth with candy? Children, Tom's of Maine, and I am an adult. And if you didn't make that crappy spearmint brand that S specifically asked me to avoid, so I got her fennel instead, which, of course, she pawns off on me because she decides it's awful, and now I'm brushing my teeth with fennel, which should taste like grass not candy, for the last eight months. I guess what I'm saying is that we should probably all stop buying from Tom's of Maine until they stop tricking unsuspecting fools like myself with their small print into purchasing something they don't like but that will last for almost a year. Bastards. And I don't use that term lightly in this "more cold type weather in the northern hemisphere time of year."


6)

Why we haz no dancing in publik? It's funny because cats aren't good at spelling.

Have you ever seen Fiddler on the Roof? Neither have I, or, at best, I caught a few minutes. Anyhow, in my mind people are always dancing in Fiddler. They don't go out to clubs or anything, they just dance around the house and presumably play the fiddle. One of the biggest problems in American culture is how awkward town public dancing is. At some point in my life I'm moving to Samoa or something and engaging in nightly tribal dances. In the meantime it's fair to say that I'll be trying to teach Sadie that it's okay to move your legs and not just head bang.