1) From MSN: "No matter what she is eating, my wife will always leave one in the container. Just out of principle, so she doesn't actually finish it. I'll come home, and there will be one pickle left in jar, or one Raisinette in the bag. " —Adam, 31
This uh, this is untrue. Every person in a relationship knows that it's a battle to see who gets the last thing, and that sometimes you have to eat three cookies that you don't want just to make sure that you get them. The only time you leave the final item is when you don't particularly care for it, or you literally are going to throw up if you eat another one. Even then, you might try and hide the last one until you feel healthy enough to eat it.
2) "I like watching my wife put her makeup on. It's mesmerizing. The time she puts into fixing herself up shows how much she cares about looking good for me."
Here's when my wife and I look good: when we are leaving the house. Guess what? It's nice to know you can just put on the sweats and call it a day with the spouse. It is not time to put on a suit and slick back that hair. It's time for socks with holes and old t-shirts.
3) "I have really embarrassing videos of my girlfriend doing her Marvin the Martian impression. I love that she is goofy enough to talk to me in that voice and cute enough to pull it off."
You know, sometimes we pull these off and sometimes we don't. I mean, I thought it was going to be a good idea to learn all the moves to All the Single Ladies and then perform a dance in high heels for S, but it turned out to just be awkward. Who knew?
4) "My wife rails against insipid, soulless reality TV shows, but I've walked in on her several times, when she thought she was alone, watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She looks at me with a guilty smirk on her face like I just caught her doing something really bad."
Okay, this is kind of true. I love railing against reality TV until The Bachelor, coming soon, rolls around. Then I understand the appeal of watching ridiculous people behaving ridiculously. However, if S were to watch anything like The Real Housewives, rest assured, I'd be railing all night and asking her why she hadn't made dessert.
5) "I know my girlfriend likes to look her best in front of me, but when she's under the weather, she really lets her guard down and lets me take care of her. It feels great being there for her in those vulnerable moments so that she knows I'm not just into her when she is at her best."
So, this is funny. Yeah, we're all like that when we're dating. Then it gets serious and you stop trying to look cute (see above). So, yeah, enjoy that buddy. Letting your guard down=being in a relationship for longer than two months.
6) "If I ever have a question about what the right thing to do is, I call my wife and confidently assert what I'm going to do. She sees right through it and says you're only calling me because you know that's the wrong thing to do. She's always right, and not just because I have to agree... because she is."
And that's why you don't call your wife. I mean, look, should I drink an entire bottle of vodka and then spend the night doing an impromptu performance of Fiddler on the Roof, whilst playing all parts. No, I probably shouldn't. I don't need to make a call to figure that out. I just do it.
7) My wife has a persistent ingenuity in coming up with a different reason every day as to why she deserves chocolate."
Why do you have to come up with a reason for that? Anyhow, chocolate is hearth healthy, so it's fine to eat every day. I always eat a piece of chocolate and drink a glass of wine before bed, and I say, "Hearth healthy and life extension."
8) "I love that my wife has to try to re-create every good meal she eats. When we're at a restaurant, she'll eat something she likes and remark that she could totally re-create the dish herself. She then inevitably (shamelessly) asks the waiter, 'What’s in this sauce?' or, sometimes even more brazenly, 'So, how do you make this?'"
Wait, you allow your wife to talk at dinner? I kid. Anyhow, S often relates that she could make the meal at home. However, she doesn't exactly spend her time asking the waiter the ingredients. No. What she means is, "we could be eating this meal at home and saving ourselves money for s's college fund and not going to Europe."
9) "I loved the songs my ex would make up as she'd drive. They were always completely random and loud, and most people would've hated them, but I was impressed she was able to come up with decently rhymed lyrics with no particular tune in mind and narrate everything that was happening around us. She made terrible car trips more enjoyable (and definitely entertaining)
You know what's annoying? Not knowing the lyrics to songs. Okay, it's cute, but rarely. Mostly you just wind up correcting the person and asking them why they don't just keep quiet if they don't know the lyrics.
10) "I love how my fiancee makes the simple act of putting on perfume so theatrical. She sprays the lightest amount in the air, walks through it with this real straight-faced look and wafts the perfume cloud around her. Watching her do this makes me feel closer to her. It's part of our morning routine now, and it puts a smile on my face to see her do it."
How beautiful, my friend. I love how I elbow my wife out of bed at 6 A.M. with a complex series of jabs to the ribs, so that she gets out of bed and attends to the crying baby. It makes me feel closer to her, or, you know, less homicidal. It puts me back to sleep.
11) Shop till you drop? Not my wife! I love when she tells me she's going to go shopping, because she usually talks herself out of buying anything, convinced that she just doesn't need it... which then gives me perfect gift ideas for her for the future."
You know what sucks, shopping? Your wife shouldn't be buying one million things anyway. You want an idea? It's called the internet, buy something off of it. Come on man! Spend your money on something better you uncreative bastard.
12) "My girlfriend always plans things down to the very last detail, whereas I take a much more laid-back approach to life. But I love knowing that she has everything under control, and her planning has even grown on me—now I find myself planning a lot more for nights that we're going out together.
All right, buddy, this is helpful on vacations and something to emulate. It will be less lovely when she's asking you what you're doing six Tuesdays from now because she's got a game night planned for October. Then when the night arrives and she says, "Hey, I told you about this six weeks ago, you bastard!" You'll find yourself responding, "Six weeks ago! How is that supposed to help. Tell me four days before and their is a slight chance that I'll remember come Tuesday."
13) "I love the way my girlfriend whines when she finds an empty food box that I'd shoved back in the fridge or cabinet during my haste to put food in my belly. She'll stomp over to me with the evidence—then crack a smile."
This lucky SOB still gets to go out. I can only imagine the pleasure of having a leftover that isn't a Cheerio that lil s hasn't fired onto the floor or an old bottle of milk. Come on! Besides which, I'm usually the one who says as we throw out greens, "More wasted money for the Bertaina family. That's why we should never eat fresh foods."
I hope my list helped to clear up any misconceptions caused by the ridiculous MSN article of the same title. Your welcome.
cynical much?
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