Why do we all dislike the New England Patriots?

I'm taking this opportunity for a brief foray into the world of sport, which dominates most of my television viewing hours. I am lights out at Trivial Pursuit on this category, yet I rarely take the opportunity to write about sports because they are considered vaguely neolithic by the general humanities crowd. However, I enjoy sports. I enjoy them because they are resolved quickly, have definitive endings, and allow a sense of the tribalism that is absent in these anti-nationalistic times. I may not approve of my country, but I do approve of my team.

I've read an article or two on this subject before. The "seemingly" most trenchant argument is the charmed life of NE QB, Tom Brady. The subject, as sports reporting now goes, revolves around the fact that he is a good looking guy who is married to a supermodel. Less clear is how much street cred he is given for dumping his pregnant good looking actress girlfriend.

1) The Tom Brady is handsome argument-Men are not jealous of Tom Brady because he is handsome. In fact, how can you be jealous of something that you would never even notice. To be jealous of Tom Brady for being handsome would be in fact admitting that Tom Brady is handsome. And, with few exceptions, most men aren't watching football to see if guys look great with their helmets off. So, no, how can you be jealous of a thing who's existence you aren't actually aware of.

And yes, for my money, he's a good looking dude, especially pre-long hair. But I can't hate a bro for looking good.

The second argument, involving the jilted lover and the new supermodel wife is also problematic. Why? Because even if you dump this woman:

to marry this one:

you still had to extricate yourself from a relationship with a woman, who was pregnant. Anyone who has dated someone for more than two months and then had to break up can tell you that it's not a fun experience. Now, couple that with the fact that the woman is pregnant, and guess who's side everyone is going to take, Tom, you bastard. I don't think the man's life is charmed for falling face first into another good looking woman. He was probably running from the peasants, and past friends who were carrying torches.

3rd argument-The beautiful wife. No man, or few men are jealous of Tom Brady because of his supermodel wife. Any wise man, will one, tell you that his wife is as good looking as a super model and 2) that even if your wife is a supermodel she still probably occasionally asks you to take out the trash when you're in the middle of something important like browsing the internet or forces you to watch the entire series of Brothers and Sisters in a two night sitting, so you can get quality time together. Ie, it ain't perfect.

So, now that we've demythologized the legend of Tom Brady we'll have to tackle the less pop culture oriented image of Bill Belichick. Bill Belichick is not as handsome:

and as far as I know, he is not married to a supermodel. This immediately makes him less charismatic. However, he was once charged with Spygate or, illegally having an assistant record Rams practices before the Super Bowl. Any man, and here I apologize for excluding lady sports fans, apology, worth his salt has played a pick up basketball game at some point in his life. And guess what, you cheat. It's game point and someone strips the ball from you. You were fouled. A younger guy beats you to the baseline, hands you your ass, next time you grab is jersey a little, hand check like you're playing for 1990's Knicks. You hit a one pointer but claim it's a two. That's right, you try to win dammit. Nobody hates Belichick for trying to win. They hate him for actually winning.

So, we're still stuck at square one. Why do we all hate, or dislike if the verbiage is too strong, the Pats? I'll start on the field. We hate the Pats because we have the vague sense that they cheat just like those old guys in the pickup games. Granted, sometimes we're those guys, but we also call bullshi- when they call foul. We talk about how the games we grew up in nobody called fouls. Apparently we all grew up in Rucker Park. And when the Pats beat the Rams they cheated like crazy. They grabbed uniforms, chucked receivers, actually changed the way the game was officiated. They made it damn near impossible for the guys to get open. They played defense the way those 1990's Knicks teams did, in a way so offensive to the viewing public that things had to change. Except, we have no iconic Jordan slaying the Knicks with a baseline jam. We have Kurt Warner, the greatest show on turf, humbled by Tom Brady. We didn't hate the Pats yet; they were the underdog, but we should have sensed it coming.

In the years that followed the Pats continued to maintain their defensive dominance while slowly breaking Brady in. But deep down, we understood that the team relied on it's defense. Every person has a core thing they always go back to. That favorite story from camp, the time you went on a three day bender and ended up in a Mexican prison married to a donkey. You know, a go to, something that defines you. And the second the Pats abandoned playing defense; they lost what little respect we had left for them. They lost that story that could wow the newbies and bore the shi- out of those who had heard it before, but who would still acknowledge, that it was a pretty damn good story.

No, we dislike the Pats because they now use the same rules they were integral in having enforced to terrorize teams with their offense. We have the vague, slightly racist sense, that no white receiver should get as many catches as Wes Welker. We know that if you could just chuck receivers like old, or hell, just get the guy out of the slot, that he would be an above average NFL receiver. But you can't touch the bastard, and we know that he isn't as good as he looks, that he just runs and option route every damn play. It's like he's that guy in a video game who button mashes, or calls the same play over and over. It sucks. We don't like Rob Gronkowski either. We don't like how ESPN now has to drool over the Patriots and TE's because Brett Favre has retired. Tight Ends are meant to block and occasionally catch passes. We don't like Jeremey Shockey either, he's overrated. You want to be a tight end? Block someone. We know that he just runs down field and posts up helpless DB's who can't do anything but stand behind him and give up TD's. It sucks. Button mash away.

And, for those of us who grew up playing QB on the playground and in the backyard, we also have the vague sense, now made manifest through Aaron Rodgers, that Tom Brady plays QB like a bit--. No, he is constantly given credit for shuffling away from pressure in the pocket, managing it, the pocket, like a genius. Guess what? Playground football is not about managing the pocket. It's about running around that one unathletic kid to scamper away for touchdowns, or to fire across your body on the run to someone sprinting open downfield. Football, for the novice, is about running around and making plays, not managing the gd pocket. That, my friends, is BS, and we know it. We know it on a visceral level. And it hurts to watch him shuffle around and throw darts.

We dislike the Pats for more complex reasons too. Though it would seem that the way they play the game in so many terrible ways should be enough. No, quite frankly, in general, (and I always have to say in general when it comes to New England because I know a fine person or two from there, including my brother-in-law, who is as about as fine and upstanding a guy as you'll find around) we don't care for people from NE. They enjoy their pro sports teams in a way that midwestern folks enjoy their college teams, and it sickens us. What the hell else do they have in the Midwest. Nothing. No choices. Besides which, these teams are full of guys playing gratis, not a bunch of cheating slot receivers making millions. We dislike the Pats because they win. We dislike NE folk because they're always trying to convince you that fall is just around the corner and that the leaves are brilliant. No, it's effing cold.

We dislike the Pats because they make our offenses feel inadequate, our defenses look unprepared. We dislike them because we know that they cheat. But moreso, we dislike them because we know that they know they're cheating, that Welker's option routes are boring, that the tuck rule, the no hitting the legs rule, the no touching receivers rule are all because of them, and we know, that if we ever played the Pats in a game of pickup basketball that they'd clutch and grab their way to a tainted victory without ever admitting it. We dislike NE in general because we have the vague sense that underneath all that friendly outdoor type stuff the right shoes, jacket, carving knife, canoeing and general usefulness, that they're just like us, and would like a condo on the beach in Southern CA with three working maids, and we just wish they'd admit it once.