The Politics Hour

Number of members of Congress among the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans by net worth: 57

R: Those fat cats in Washington.

D: Let's redistribute that wealth.

M: How many people are in Congress?

Estimated number of jobs created by every 1,000,000,000 of military spending: 11,000

R: That's why we need to spend more on the military, creating jobs, keeping America safe for our children and our children's children.

D: Is that number high? I'm not even sure. What if we spent it on aid work instead?

M: Shi- that's a lot of zeroes. Is that like ten thousand or something?

By the same amount devoted to education: 27,000

R: Yeah, but those fat cat teachers would just unionize and prevent our kids from being the best in the world. We're falling behind China and India in math and science.

D: And that's why everyone should get a college degree and be learned and effete.

M: Oh. So, yeah, let's do that instead. I think I'll start my own Three Cups of tea program, but it'll be four cans of Dr. Pepper or something that the kids love. At some point we'll start ripping people off.

Minimum global population of robots, excluding toys and household appliances: 1,107,000

R: And do you know who's building those robots? Kids in China doing math!

D: I think we can learn to peacefully coexist with the robots through a series of welfare programs and acceptance of our differences in views about the future of the human race as slaves.

M:

Minimum amount by which Facebook is overvalued, according to a November study: 70,000,000,000

R: Think how many military jobs we could create with that money?

D: You can't put a value on fomenting revolution, but if we could, this seems a bit high.

M: S, do you think there will be facebook in heaven?

Estimated percentage of comatose patients diagnoses as vegetative who are actually minimally conscious:

R: Death panels. Did I hear someone singing the Kenyan national anthem?

D: We respect life in all forms and read even to our comatose pets at night.

M: Oh, so, what does this mean? Also, how bout that dad from Regarding Henry? He really turned it around. Isn't Harrison Ford lovable?

Minimum number of Tibetan monks and nuns who have self-immolated last year in protest against Chinese rule: 12

R: Are they losing to them in math and science as well? We should put a base there. It will promote job growth.

D: We respect the Tibetans right to freedom and will encourage China to cease and desist through a chain letter campaign.

M: Oh. So, yeah, people setting themselves on fire is drastic, yeah?

Average number of U.S. veterans who commit suicide each day: 18

R: Shi-

D: Shi-

M: Shi-

Percentage of Americans who believed our culture is superior to others in 2002: 60 percent

R: That's what's wrong with America. How is that number so low? I want it at 110.

D: Clearly these 60 percent of people didn't get liberal arts degrees, or we'd be closer to 0.

M: Huh.

Percentage now: 49 percent

R: I blame Obama and Clinton in some way. This never would have happened if we'd amended the Constitution and made Regan king like we should have.

D: Finally we're getting the population educated. Socialized medicine here we come!

M: Oh.

Projected percentage increase in food production required by 2050 in order to sustain the world's population: 70

R: And that's why we need to abolish the EPA and elect Monsanto, who is now an individual, as Speaker of the House.

D: Victory gardens people. I want you all to buy seeds and clear a little plot of land. Make sure to have your soil tested and...

M: Maybe we should only have two kids. What does that cut the percentage by?

Percentage of Americans who believed in anthropogenic global warming in 2001: 75

R: Liberal media.

D: Yay Al Gore!

M: What does anthropogenic mean? Is that some sort of thing you can pay a..never mind.

Now: 44 percent

R: The liberal media is brainwashing is being reversed.

D: Wait, really? Is it the whole multiple war thing?

M: Down with science.