Some other resolutions

1) I'm going to spend more time on Twitter. I'm going to figure it out. I'm not going to rant and rave about the lowering quality of discourse. I'm going to create an account, get a whole host of followers and tweet things out to them like: just enjoying a decaf frapp., and I'm going to like it. You are too. Join me. Here's my handle. I'm going to become comfortable with people saying things like, "Here's my handle," and not think of it as ridiculous.

2) I'm going to run for the Republican presidential nomination because I'm pretty sure we have just enough time left to squeeze in a meteoric rise or two before the catastrophic fall. I'm going to threaten to abolish the government altogether and to govern naked on Wednesdays. I'm going to claim that we need to tax the lowest 1 percent of the population more and I'm going to insinuate that anyone who opposed me is a communist who doesn't love America as much as I do. I'm going to kick some ass.

3) I'm gong to get back into doing yoga. Hell, living social makes it damn near impossible to pay for yoga. Let's do it America. And, after a couple of weeks we can decide that it's too new age or low impact and go back to watching reality tv shows. We can sit next to each other on the couch, just you and me, and not feel bad about ourselves, but bad about all those chumps doing yoga.

4) I'm going to gamble more. I don't mean this in the sense of--gamble on life, take a chance, Hollywood type stuff--I mean I want to find out where the dog races are and start spending some more time down there. I'm going to grow a wispy mustache and an addiction to over the counter pills. I'm going to call my father-in-law and try to make him write me prescriptions.

5) I'm going to take up baking and then stop doing it when I realize that it takes time. This is your year to take up baking. It's faster than cooking. The result always tastes better, and, well, it creates dishes. Forget I ever brought it up.

6) I'm going to learn how to throw ninja star around a corner. I tried to perfect from the ages of 3-6, but I never quite got it down. I bet it can't be that hard. I'll be on e-bay for the next twenty minutes bidding on ninja stars. I'm back, and I've got four ninja stars arriving in a few days. I'll be taking a week off work to master the art.

7) I'm going to dress up like a small tree and hide in a parking lot and then jump out and scare people. And, if they act surprised, or angry, or scared, I'll just say, "Sorry, I didn't know you wanted me to leave you alone," and we'll have a good laugh and then maybe go out for a drink or three.

8) I'm going to buy power tools. I'm scared of power tools, but I think the first step to knowing how to use them is buying them. I'm going to go into Home Depot and ask the guys wear the stuff that guys in hard hats use is and not be embarrassed.

9) I'm going to learn an esoteric foreign language. I'm going to learn to speak Latin and then form a community group trying to keep all the Latin folk out. I'm going to retranslate the Vulgate.

10) I'm going to do one hundred crunches every day, and I'm going to cheat and go only halfway up, and then I'll remind myself that I'm only cheating myself, and I'll do another ten proper crunches until I realize that it's hard, and then I'll quit and drink old wine.