Squirrel word problems!!

The debate about whether to terminate the lives of little furry creatures continues. In today's saga, I e-mailed a company who promises to only trap the squirrels rather than kill them, and release them into the wild where they can run free and live happy squirrel lives. Instead of waking me up at 7 A.M. like they did this morning. The bastards. I think it's fair to say that they are waging an aggressive war against my sanity. It's entirely probable that they don't really need to run around and roll acorns about in the attic but they choose to do it in order to point out how impotent I am when it comes to dealing with them.

Right now we've got a bid for 285 to remove the squirrels. However, I'm still waiting to hear back from the new company to find out how much they charge. And now we get down to brass tacks. How much is the life of a squirrel worth? Somebody contact PETA, so that they can condemn my blog or (and this is what I'm really hoping for) they can raise enough money to save the squirrels lives. Then we could have like a squirrel parade when they left and perhaps give them the key to the city but not my damn attic. Anyhow, now I have to figure out what the cost of a squirrel life is?

We did some initial research on the company website, which said that they charge fifty dollars for a raccoon removal. Now you have to ask yourself. How many squirrels add up to one raccoon? I think I had this as a math word problem in third grade.

Jimmy has two raccoons. Jimmy's friend is Lizzy. Lizzy has two more than twice as many squirrels than Jimmy. How many lower level animals do the two children have together?

a) 8

b) Those raccoons are rabid, that little twit Jimmy better be careful.

c) 6

D) If Jimmy waits seven years he can marry Lizzy. However, if he marries Lizzy he'll be forced to stay in his hometown with pet raccoons. Lizzy is a very loving and supportive person, but she's not what we'd call bright. What should he do? (Wait, isn't that a question not an answer?)

e) They should go half-sies on an exterminator and then use the little pelts to sew authentic squirrel pelt gloves on QVC.

f) This question is worded in a confusing manner. Usually my boss says something like, "Hey. You. Guy. Do this!" Rarely does my boss come by and say, "I've got twice as many jobs for you to do than I did yesterday. Now get to work!"

g) What does Lizzy see in Jimmy anyway? He's got pet raccoons for crying out loud! Those things are likely rabid. Why doesn't she ever pay attention to me?

H) 7

I) Lizzy isn't even particularly fond of the squirrels now that she thinks of it.

J) 2 because I consider the raccoons to be true animals and the squirrels to be rodents.

k) How am I supposed to pick the one in the middle when the middle is so damn long?

How much is a squirrel life worth? If they quote me 295, do I pay the extra then bucks and allow the little buggers to roam free in fields of acorns? What about 305? Is a squirrel worth twenty bucks? Thirty? This all reminds me a great deal of "The 400 Pound CEO" by George Saunders from Civil War Land in Bad Decline. But I can't excerpt the damn thing because Harper's has it behind a pay wall.

Anyhow, I'm going to set up a donation strictly for the squirrels in my bank account. Anyone who feels compelled to save the little critters is welcome to drop money off directly into my hand. I can assure you that 100 percent of the proceeds will go towards something. You have that in writing.

L) Can't two reasonable minds disagree?