Babies R US

Thank goodness our GPS pronounces it as Babies R U.S. as in the United States. Because really I think the GPS is making an excellent point, the children really are our future. Either that, or we have the single most asininely programmed GPS in the history of the world, one that pronounces every St. not as street, but as saint, and every dr. not as drive but as doctor. I'm not sure who put that one together but generally when you come upon the abbreviation ST. in the driving world it's going to be street, saint isn't as popular as one would think.

So today I traveled into the land of Babies R US. Note: for the remainder of this blog post please pronounce at as United States to show your love for your country. The first thing we looked at were strollers. Guess what? Apparently you have to buy two different types of strollers, one for the early infant stage and then one for the jogging downtown looking like a young hip parent stage. This portion of the day was pretty much the highlight for me as I tooled around impressing everyone in sight with my behind the back stroller moves. I don't remember seeing other dads doing this, so I'm fairly certain that I'm going to be awesome. I wish I had a nickel for every time I was driving down the street and I thought to myself, I wish that dad would do something awesome with that stroller he's pushing. I guess I wouldn't have any nickels.

Special parenting tip 1: Apparently they put breaks on the strollers so they won't roll away. Unfortunately, I was so jazzed up about my moves in BRUS I forgot to put the brake on the stroller before putting it back up on display and it came crashing back to the floor. And yes, a woman, newly pregnant, did start laughing at me/us.

Lady: I guess as long as the baby isn't in there you're all right.

M: I was just testing the durability of the stroller. Side impact and stuff.

Lady: I guess it's fine. Just, once you have the child don't put it up on a shelving rack.

M: I'll probably try and avoid that.

After displaying my awesome skills with a stroller I assumed that S would want to retire to the car to make out with me for a while because I'm so cool. I think she must have missed one of the behind the back moves into a spin because she just kind of sighed a little and then took me to the next section with the buying gun in the ready position.

Next we took a brief detour into high chair land. Chairs that S had pronounced as uniformly ugly. I found at least five or six things that could have worked because of my incredible sense of style/nearly complete indifference to worrying about color schemes.

S: Do you like the brown and green one?

M: I didn't even notice it had colors. I'm a decision maker. All I notice is if it's moving on the open plain.

S: Oh.

M: I can tell you're impressed.

So, after finding several high chairs and vetoing the one she liked. The thing was made of wood, which bravo, but it had a small mat attached to the back that was already sliding off onto the floor even without an infant attached. This is a long ingrained belief of S's that everything wood is better than plastic. And for the most part I agree, but I'm not sure I agree for everything baby. That wooden pacifier just seems like it would give splinters.

About this time, maybe forty minutes in, I start to develop a low throbbing sensation in my left temple that I've come to identify as shopping. Thus, we quickly moved in to cribs and changing tables....I don't have the energy. Even writing about it is wearing me out.

Here is a short video that doesn't wear me out and that, well just watch it.

This moment is one of the funniest I've seen in American cinema in a long time. Everything is pitch perfect in this scene, the local hippie making up words, the angry old man interjecting with what we've all been thinking as the song reaches its crescendo. And the whole scenario is not gross out, or anything, it's harmless. Nothing is less funny than explaining why a joke is so funny. It's also a generational thing going on...I'll stop.