A List: House Project Helpfuls

1. Always start with the biggest drill bit when making a mark in the wall. Remember, you can always make a hole smaller.

2. Remember to sweep the back steps every weekend so your basement doesn't flood. Sure slugs the size of garden snakes live back there, and so many varieties of spiders, which you hate, that you sort of shiver during the whole process, but trust me man, like most things in life, it's going to be worth it. The latter half of that previous sentence was almost entirely untrue. Most of life's seeming "achievements" turn out to be ephemeral and sort of shallow in any long lasting sort of happiness. It's not even clear whether this is a bad thing.

3. It's important to swiffer the floors. What is a swiffer? I don't know. However, I do know that once you have a house with hardwood floors that it becomes vitally important to obtain a swiffter and talk about the virtues of said swiffer in dialog with other hardwood floor owners, going so far as to claim that you can't imagine your life without a swiffer, just to induce some laughs, though really, you do mean it. Life without a swiffer is troubling.

4. Buy lots of things like picture frames and television mounting items but never use them. Keep saving these projects for other days in the future. Continually whine about the pictures not going up but make no effort to do it yourself. Write a poem about how it's hard to be you. Don't show it to anyone. Change the narrator's name, hell, make it a female name so no one will recognize that it's you in the poem whining about life's dissatisfactions on a couch while someone else swiffer's the floor in a brisk manner that can accurately be described as monomaniacal.

5. Tout the virtue of totes. Wait for Home Depot to have a sale and buy like ten of them. Say things to your friends like, "You can never have enough totes." But mean it. Own the words. Don't mess around when you're talking about totes because if those spiders scare you off some weekend and the back steps don't get a good washing, you can bet your bottom dollar you will be pretty damn thankful for those totes keeping all of your goods safe and generally mold free.

6. Label the totes with marking pens. Complain about the off brand type of Sharpie. Write a poem on the couch about how it's hard to be alone on the couch while someone else kneels in the next room and writes on totes with an off brand Sharpie. Learn to despise totes for no good reason. Continually suggest the virtue of styrofoam boxes, never spell it correctly. Bring home one of those old styrofoam (tough word) coolers from the grocery store and start storing old photos in it of you and some girl you had a crush on in fifth grade. Mention that the styrofoam cooler is going to keep those pictures in good shape. Hide the styrofoam box.