Scenario: An argument about cupcake batter

Entirely neutral scenario as presented by the handsome and intellectually engaging author...Do you see what I did there? Dear S or N or whatever, let's call the person hypothetical, may have been making a batch of cupcakes whilst I was tenderly engaged in the saving of Spira in that grand old series that Wolf Trap honored this year, Final Fantasy. Whence I arrived in the kitchen to partake of the spoils I was told that I could have one.

Aside: Why is it that women (gender specific, yes) make batches of things like cupcakes and cookies and bars of gold, only for other people's birthdays, work events et al? Why doesn't a man (gender specific though you know I don't mean it) ever sit down and think to himself, I love my (insert sig. other here) so much, I'm going to make a batch of cookies. No. This never happens. Rather, S, and others of her ilk, make whole batches of food for droves of other people but never for the good and tender husband. Why? It's obviously some sort of obscure punishment handed down from the times of Genesis as a reminder that the apple should have remained uneaten, or should at the very least, have been given to a red-tailed hawk who was celebrating his 32 that day.

Anyhow, before I took a bite of that luscious cupcake I went over to the mixing bowl to partake of the wonderful batter. Test: Did you immediately think a) Oh gross! That cupcake batter is full of raw eggs, (despite the fact that you, and the rest of the known world eats cookie dough for like weeks on end despite the raw eggs, again, not judgment here, just a fair and square question) or b) What a fantastic idea? I know that Cold Stone has cake batter ice cream that tastes wonderful, and I bet the cupcake batter was even better.

If you selected b, you are correct and smart and probably good looking. Anyhow, at the table, I decided that I should frost my cupcake (and yes, at this point I didn't realize that the batter was actually not cupcake frosting, and I kept telling S that I was going to frost the cupcake come hell or high water, my exact words, and she kept saying, "What frosting are you talking about?") with the batter.

I ask you friends, if you have had a taste of heaven, dost thou not desire more? Is it so wrong to want to partake of something as good as cupcake batter? Nay, to bathe the cupcake in that from whence it came? Is heaven itself not a reuniting of the body and soul with its proper place. So too, was the joining of cupcake and batter.

Naturally as I told S of my plans she grew increasingly horrified, even going so far as to take away the bowl of left over cupcake batter before my cupcake was properly dipped. To me, this is an offense that should be punishable by death. I commanded her to apologize or risk the biblical wrath of being swallowed whole by a whale. However, failing that, I tossed the cupcake at her, and she caught it in her outstretched soapy hand, proclaiming the cupcake, now ruined. And friends, you will not believe this; she described the whole episode as disrespect and a thwarting of her will. That I should so brazenly waste a cupcake and risk life and limb eating delicious and nutritious cupcake batter.

While I, quite rightly I might add but won't, perceived the whole act as unjust. Here I just wanted to dip my cupcake in the fountain of goodness, and my will was thwarted. Woe to thee who thwarts the will of a man trying to partake of raw eggs. Woe to thee who regards the consumption of cupcake batter somehow beneath them despite eating loads of cookie dough. Woe to anyone who denies that if cupcakes are made for the feasts on earth, cupcakes dipped in cupcake batter are suited for the banquet tables of heaven.

Here is an extraordinarily long piece about DFW for anyone who has read his stuff.