MSN Mondays: 25 ways to lose weight at work

I feel like MSN already had this one, but maybe they recycle every six weeks or so. Never fear, because this blog never recycles, except for when it does.

1) Become an NBA basketball player. Like me you probably dreamed of doing this when you were a kid anyway. I think the chief thing this article points out is that if you change jobs to become a professional biker or marathon runner or something, you'll probably lose weight at work. Otherwise, you're probably screwed.

2) Hunger strike. Any time your boss does something that you don't even care of remotely, it's probably time to go on a hunger strike. Oh, you want me to retype that letter that had some issues. Hunger Strike. Oh, you would like me to stop using facebook at work. Hunger Strike.

3) Start eating horse meat. Horse meat is really low in calories and high in protein. "What's that you're eating friend?" "Horse meat." Feel free to bring in a spit and roast it right there. You'll probably have some office mates come by and join you in losing weight.

4) Go on a diet of just office items. You'll find after a few weeks of dining on paper clips and staplers that you'll be losing weight in no time. You might also die, which is sort of a slight downside.

5) Tag. Consider corner tag or freeze tag during your lunch break. It's best if your office mates don't know that you're playing because it will be easier to freeze all of them, and then berate them afterward for continuing to move. They'll probably all join in quickly if you open a beer or something. I've seen it on TV.

6) Put up a volleyball net between instead of a cube. Then when you start to get bored with your inane job midday, you can just hit the ball around for a while and lose some weight or break or computer or whatever.

7) Hire a personal chef and bring them in to work. Constantly consult them throughout the day on your caloric intake while assuring your boss that they'll pose no change in the office dynamics. Say office dynamics again for good measure.

8) Instead of working just go to the gym. Then when you get back to work insist that you've been working so furiously that you started sweating profusely and had to take a break by going to the gym. Destroy security cameras that speak to the contrary.

9) Start a congo line every fifteen minutes or so at work. Not only will you find yourself losing weight, but everyone loves the random person who starts a congo line. Try not to make it pervy.

10) Do trades at lunch like a second grader. Always trade for things that have lower calories. If the person won't trade with you start crying and complaining that your mom packed you a crappy lunch. It's hard to eat when you're upset.

11) Practice yoga at least twice a day. Insist on playing quiet music and shush your boss and co-workers if they start to interrupt your chi.

12) Have an office Olympics. Make up games like cart racing or musical chairs. Force everyone to play. If asked to stop, claim that you'll go on a hunger strike.

13) Buy a really expensive talking fish who makes you feel guilty for eating by constantly reminding you about starving kids in Africa. This fish should be a real intellectual.

14) Pack yourself tuna fish every day and eat it laboriously slow. Eventually people will start asking you stop bringing something so foul smelling, and you'll say something like, "Okay, I'll just starve then."

15) Just dress in black all the time. It slims.

16) Mange more effectively by getting up frequently. Keep reminding your boss and other people to work smarter not harder. Peer over people's shoulder and ask them what they're e-mailing about. They'll probably punch you in the face and the loss of blood should help.

17) Buy those fancy shoes that look like socks. Insist that the only way to practice with them is to race. Challenge people to races. If you lose, claim you pulled a muscle.

18) Disable all of the elevators so everyone, yourself included, has to take the stairs. Spend all day complaining about taking the stairs.

19) Take the day off work and do something enjoyable like a vacation or you know, watching television or something. Just don't work.

20) Try setting up a series of meetings during the week. But keep planning them further and further out, until you've walked at least three miles by the last meeting.

21) Be that obnoxious person in the office who always walks fast. Act really busy, but basically just have nothing to do but walk fast. If your boss starts talking with you about lackluster work habits say, "I'm busy right now. Walk with me."

22) Replace your seat with a treadmill. Put your computer up on your treadmill and insist that you work better standing up.

23) Spend a good portion of the day walking around your work looking for buried treasure. Dig in any spot that looks like it might have an x. Digging is hard work.

24) Buy a tiger and unleash it in the office. You'll find that running for your life is pretty good exercise.

25) Bring in a stop watch and ask your boss to time you when you run around the building. Tell him you think you can beat your record time. If he asks you to work, complain that he's only having you do it because he can't beat your record time. Take the stopwatch and time him. Even if he doesn't move, make sure he knows he lost to your time.

Here is a picture of a chimp.