MSN Mondays How to impress men

Thank goodness MSN finally has a manageable list for me to blog about. I was getting tired of writing blogs about 77 ways to dress for success. Anyhow, this week's blog is all about first dates. And since I haven't been on a first date since 2001 I think I'm a pretty good candidate to give women an idea of what men think on a first date. Without further ado:

5 secret ways a guy is judging you on a first date

1) Mathematically. For a long period time there has been a fallacy that men are better or more interested in math than women. This was largely supported by engineering programs that had roughly one female for every fifty short sleeved collar shirted male. However, in recent years colleges have discovered that women are better at almost everything school related because they are better at things like paying attention and being disciplined. The point is, every guy is secretly judging your math skills. Like when you're relaying a story about how you went to the mall with a couple of your girlfriends and one of them got pumps. A normal guy will probably ask you for a break down of the per use value in shekels for that pair of shoes. If you're not up to date on shekels or estimating per use values on shoes you're probably falling behind. Bear in mind that if the dude is really judging you he might ask you to measure the velocity and time it will take for a five dollar bill to hit the floor from his seated position. Anyhow, brush up on math because every man is judging you for it on a date.

2) The Caucasus regions. Dudes love history. Do you have an uncle/father? Guess what? He probably reads really long books about the childhood of James A. Garfield in his spare time, and asks you all at family get together's if you knew Garfield was a smashing chess player. That's right, dudes are going to judge you on random historical or political errata. Everyone knows that Africa has big problems, and the middle east is now so pase. So don't think your date is going to want to talk about those things. No. This is a man who at one time in his life spent fifteen hours straight trying to find enough gold to buy a scimtar so he could kill the golden orc. This dude loves random stuff. And he is going to know his shi- when it comes to the Caucasus regions, and he'll expect you to as well. He'll probably have a small pull out map that he'll pull out, and he'll expect you to identify potential areas of ethnic disturbances. He's going to expect you to be able to identify Azerbaijan and talk about its Tungsten output i the last decade. If you can't do this, you're already in trouble. This dude means business when it comes to eastern Europe.

3) Things in his past that he's posted on facebook. This dude doesn't just want to get to know you. He wants to know that you've been stalking him for weeks on facebook and looking at photos of his girlfriend from when he was sixteen and comparing yourself to her at sixteen. He wants to hear from you that he looked really cute at his eighth birthday party, and that you're happy his mom, who you don't know but already love, posted it. This dude wants to feel special. He wants to know that when he's sleeping at night you're feverishly going over his wall posts to see if he's interested in some other girl. He probably isn't, but he likes to know that you're checking. Dudes, unlike most women, are pretty tough to be freaked out. He'll find the level of attention flattering and the photo shopped picture of you with his family in Hawaii three years ago completely charming.

4) The Federal Debt Ceiling. Gone are the days when people would go out on dates and talk about their families and classes they are taking. No, times they are a changing. If you haven't brought up the possibility of a worldwide economic collapse due to the inability of Congress to raise the federal debit ceiling than you are getting judged, harshly. Guys notice things like not talking about the debt ceiling, and it worries them. Why would this girl talk so long about her relationship with her very close sibling when we're about to run the ship of capitalism aground? Is the sort of thing he'll be thinking. If he tries to change the subject be careful to see through his subterfuge and keep bringing it back to possible cuts in spending. Dudes love that.

5) Whether or not you believe the Loch ness monster. They've got like a thousand pictures that prove that a Brontosaurus lives in that lake and you denying it certainly isn't going to help your chances. And don't under any circumstances bring up Jurassic Park because we just can't get dinosaurs from old amber, and it might upset him that you'd even watch that movie without scoffing. Note that you were just kidding and the Loch Ness monster is actually a long distant relative of the plesiosaurs. An added bonus is that you can gently slide the conversation to the Scottish Highlands and to your love of the television show and movie Highlander. If you don't know, you should because it involves ancient beings cutting off one another's heads in order to gain power. This is just the sort of thing that a guy will judge for for not bringing up and talking about extensively. It's okay in these circumstances to mention how good Sean Connery looked, even when he wasn't an old man.

I don't really have five. Be courteous and kind. Laugh easily. And above all, listen and ask good questions. Listen.