MSN Mondays: Job Advice

I fell asleep in the middle of MSN Mondays. Ergo; I'm giving it another crack because it wouldn't be fair to the good folks at MSN for me to resist writing about them just because I fell asleep early in preparation for s's 5:30 wake up time. The show must go on.


Eight careers you may have written off too quickly

1) Marine Biologist-
Yes, 9/10 little girls wanted to grow up to be marine biologists. Primarily because dolphins are cute and being a marine biologist pretty much involves playing with dolphins and cuddling with them and taking them to meet your parents and scout out your boyfriends. Note: The rapscallions almost always dislike them. But yeah, you grow up and start attending college, unlike most of the guys you know, and you realize that being a marine biologist ain't all it's cracked up to be that you'd spend a bunch of time in a lab or sorting through small crustaceans to sex them, and I don't mean that in a perverse way, and it doesn't seem to great anymore. Guess what? It is. It's pretty much just learning to swim like a dolphin and train sharks and stuff. Look again.

2) Tightrope walker-Sure you probably considered this but then realized you have an inner ear thing, which already makes things like skiiing and snow boarding a pain in the as- as it is, and you are fairly certain that you'd probably bite it big time on your first walk. Think again. Do you know that nine in ten tightrope walkers do not die from an accident during a show? I may have just made that up, but it certainly sounds true to me. Take another look!

3) Retiring-Sure, you're probably thinking that you shouldn't retire in your late twenties, that society requires that you work at something. That work gives you meaning. That retiring is for the elderly. I'm hear to tell you that you don't need to spend your declining years watching Price is Right every morning and occasionally dropping in on your condo in Arizona. No. Retire now. Your friends will probably let you couch surf. Society can do without you pushing papers from one place to another. They'll find another guy to do that job. Retire. Meet your full potential. Spend time reading philosophy, literature, science, travel, become a very interesting person before you even consider what comes next.

"This is where the Los Angeles Sparks play their home games."



4) Tour guide to the Scottish Highlands-I know what you're thinking. I don't actually know where Scotland is. I thought it went extinct during the Pleistocene. You'd be right. However, that doesn't mean that you can't offer amazing tours of the Scottish highlands. Get your as- out there. Who said you actually have to know anything about a place to give a tour of it. Most people have enjoyed stories and fictions since time in memomoriam. The great tragedians of the Greek era knew this, and you know it. See this old Loch, use the word loch for lake, there, that one was free. This old loch is the place where Thomas Scottishmen signed the declaration of Scottish Independence from the Moors. Guess what? People don't know much about Scotland. You can tell them anything and develop your fictional skills.

5) Ninja-I know. You gave this up after you turned seven when a million other kids showed up at Halloween as a ninja. You wanted to be unique, a middle manager at some quasi meaningless business where you could order a few folks around and have this tiny little kingdom. Guess what/ None of those kids became ninjas. Imagine throwing one of those start thingies that I used to the know the name of, is it ninja star? and watching it bend around a hallway corner to stab someone in the trachea who has wronged you or someone who has hired you to get revenge for them because you are a ninja and not same lame office manger. It feels pretty good doesn't it?

6) Reality tv star-I know. It's pase at this point. However, as they increasingly scrape the bottom of the barrel in the declining years your chance to abase yourself for fifteen seconds of fame could be nigh. Have you lost your dignity? Well, strike while the iron is hot. I'm pretty sure there is a show for everyone. I watched a really compelling one a couple of years ago about guys competing for women in Alaska by throwing axes and chopping wood and stuff. It was awesome.

7) The oldest profession in the world-That's right. A farmer. Remember Adam and Eve? Turns out they weren't prostitutes. They were farmers. I know that you live in a city and the sound of a cricket mildly scares you, and the last time you drove a tractor was across your living room floor at age six. However, farming can't be that hard. Plus it's fun to have good relationships with the animals and always be shaking your head at their crazy antics and later killing them. This has got to do a lot for a person.

8) President of the universe-I know what you're thinking? Weren't Skeletor and He-Man kind of doing a job share on this one while they both took time off to care for their newly born children. No sir. That was the famous and progressive television show called Masters of the Universe. No. You're shooting for the stars my friend. I know that your political ambitions don't actually involve voting or even looking at local candidates, but that makes you perfect for president of the universe. Your lack of knowledge about interplanetary star systems and the people you'd be in charge of make you the best candidate possible. So start making signs Cosmicomics style.