Choosing a Realtor

Inexplicably, Stephanie and I find ourselves as the proud almost clients of two perspective realtor's. The reasons are moderately complex and not really worth mentioning, which if you've been reading along, you might be apt to say that I've already wasted your time.
We decided to ask each of them a series of questions to determine the top candidate. Kind of like a Mrs. American pageant minus the bikinis and sashes and Ed McMahon and a stage and...Ergo; I've posted our findings below in an attempt to get help from the wider community in choosing an agent. Note: I've excised/summed up/truncated/amended answers to increase the fluidity of the prose. The Agents are listed as 1, 2, and 3, my conception of an ideal Realtor.
How long have you been in the real estate business?
1. 3 years
2. 8 years
3. Ideal Realtor, "I was actually selling properties in the womb and had developed a complex exchange for the rights to my severed placenta by the second trimester.

How many clients are you working with?
1. 14
2. Not telling.
3. I've actually just e-mailed/texted/called every one of my others clients and told them that I'm putting them on hold until the three of us can work out a sale. Have I told you that you look great for someone who's almost twenty five? Thirty? You must be kidding? (Loving punch administered to arm).

Where are most of your sales?
1. Silver Spring
2. D.C./burbs
3. I typically sell most of my houses in ritzy upper NW neighborhoods to poor couples who look good in family photos.

What do you charge?
1. Some
2. Some
3. I'm actually doing this whole thing pro-bono because I liked that family picture you sent me so much. I'm not even sure what pro-bono means, but I'm as eager to find out as you are!

When am I officially working with you?
1. When we sign an agreement.
2. We're not already working together?
3. "Working. I can hardly call spending time with you work. Heck, you should charge me!"

How often can yous show us properties?
1. As much as my schedule allows
2. Lets get you in a damn house already!
3. Often. Can the answer contain part of the question or is that just a problem when defining something?

What is your average list-to price sales ratio?
1. Pretty good.
2. How dare you ask that.
3. I typically help a buyer get in at about 70-80 percent under the listed value. This typically involves a bit of arson and some scare tactics, but you're committed to this aren't you. Do I hear flaming bag of poo?

How quickly can you get us into a home?
1. Well, that depends on how many houses we look at on a given weekend and so on...
2. Why are you wasting my time with these questions? Lets get that house!
3. How quickly can you fashion a paper bag mask and develop a threatening tone? (Not sure why our ideal realtor has turned into a crook).

Do you represent buyers and sellers on the same house?
1. No
2. No
3. No

What haven't I asked you that I should?
1. What a good list of questions you've prepared. I'm ready to share references.
2. Where did you get all these stupid questions from?
3. You haven't asked me out for drinks yet? Oh, just kidding. you're just both so damn good looking it's hard to focus. Here's a picture of my cat. Isn't he cute?

Votes will be tabulated and we will select a realtor based on your input. Thank you for your support.

6:00 P.M. Return from work at the library in the middle of a phone conversation that S was having with our landlord related to rent remission based on the proliferation of cockroaches in our humble abode.

S: I mean, I think 200 dollars is actually an insulting amount to offer.
M: (In my head: what a great thing to say).

Later
S: You know what my favorite thing that I said today was? When I told our landlord that 200 dollars was an insulting amount to offer.
M: Me too!

"It was more the deeper, more tragic and universal conflict. The conflict between the subjective centrality of our own lives versus our awareness of its objective insignificance." Oblivion DFW

S: "Hmmm. I guess that's true. Like even your parents can't be as central to your life as you yourself are. I mean, even your life is a lot less interesting to me than my own."
M: "That's sweet honey."