If I had a million dollars...

I don't really know what people did before the Internet to find houses. They didn't have crime maps or walk scores or nice digital pictures to upload of key features. In fact I think the exclamation point was invented in the early 1980's. Fully Finished Basement vs. Fully Finished Basement! You tell me which one you want. The other (actually real invention) was the caps lock key, which increased home values tenfold according to data that I'm making up right now. Close to metro and restaurants. CLOSE TO METRO AND RESTAURANTS! The second house might be yelling, but it's yelling about good things like metros and restaurants and other things I might have missed prior to the advent of the caps lock key. I'm guessing that people just didn't buy homes before the invention of the internet but bartered them like they were beads and hand-crafted goods.
The crime map was really instructive because as it turns out crime occurs more frequently in cities. I'd like to think that things like higher density (for Matt) would cause and increase in crime rates, but I'm here to tell you that it's because people who live in cities are inherently just bad folks who enjoy committing crime and selling drugs, and really don't even do it for profit but just for the thrill of being a city denizen. I'm using the word denizen here because it more closely suits someone from a city because denizen to me sounds like someone who is dirty and perhaps lives in a badger den.
Tomorrow we're going to speak to a lender, and we're hoping to be approved for a million dollar home, so we can live large for a few months before it forecloses. But those months we'll live it up like Gatsby, and throw wild parties, which you're invited to if you read this blog, or know someone who reads this blog, or happen to be in the area and smell some lobster boiling. I look forward to seeing you all there? (Oh, and we're kind of going for a potluck sort of thing so be sure to coordinate. I don't want to have a party with five fruits salads and no red plastic cups for the bourbon).